Livin' the High Life...

What Obama Must Do

2008-09-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

I must say, I haven't blogged in a while, but when I did, I expected I would write about a turning point in my acting career. "Starring in a National Commercial" or "Series Regular on a New TV Series". And while I am still hoping to write that blog in the future (preferably in the near future), instead I find myself wanting to talk about politics.

Indeed, the 2008 US Presidential Election has been engaging to say the least. From a highly contested Democratic Primary, to the Obama acceptance speech at Mile High, to Sarah Palin, the campaigns have been charged. Obama, who once enjoyed a 9-point lead in the Gallup Polls, has fallen to a statistical dead heat with McCain, now down 2-points, 47-45.

I'll admit that while I still have questions about the feesability of some of Obama's plan, he's still the best candidate out there, especially considering the egregious lies the McCain-Palin camp has pushed (Just check out www.factcheck.org or www.politifact.org to sift through several of their lies). Unfortunately, the strategy appears to be working, and Obama's message of "More of the Same", feels like, well, more of the same.

As a concerned Obama supporter (who, for the first time in my life, donated to a presidential campaign), I felt I had put in my two cents in what Obama must do to win, and it starts with his first Presidential debate, on September 26th. The strategy is quite simple, really, although the aftermath could be quite ugly, and whether Obama has the guts to do this remains to be seen. But there's no more efficient way to the presidency...

Release "Hothead McCain".

So far, the Democrats have left McCain's character untouched, even calling him a "war hero", and instead trying to debate McCain on the issues. But if there's any indication from the last two Presidential elections (and probably even farther than that), this election will not be won on the issues. Democrats have had better ideas on domestic and foreign policy for the last eight years, and yet they've lost repeatedly because issues and policy discussion doesn't resonate among the voters. You know what does? Scandal.

Republicans have character assassinated Democrats with great effectiveness, from Bill Clinton's Monicagate to the Swift-Boating of John Kerry. Fortunately for Obama, he can turn the tables because McCain has laid the ammunition for Obama to use. So here's what Obama must say in this debate:

* John McCain is a liar.
* McCain lied about Obama's education policies, and Obama's own criticisms, to name a few.
* McCain lied about Palin's opposition to earmarks, even though Palin accepted $200 million in earmarks for the "Bridge to Nowhere" project.
* The media has corrected McCain on numerous occasions, and yet he still spreads the lies. McCain will restore dignity to the White House?
* With every lie, John McCain dishonors the United States, dishonors democracy, dishonors his own campaign and supporters, and spits in the face the American People.
* John McCain, the war hero, was an honorable man. John McCcain, the Republican Presidential Candidate, is a disgrace.

Obama must challenge McCain's character every chance he gets. If Obama pushes enough buttons, McCain will reach a breaking point and turn "Hothead", which will ultimately lead to a Howard Dean-esque political meltdown from which he can't recover.

Obama may feel that he would be stooping to the Republicans level, but he doesn't have to worry about that. Because he'd telling the truth. McCain created the mudhole. It's time Obama forces McCain to wallow in it.

One Wild December: The Wiz Kidz

2007-12-29T01:24:00.001-08:00

It's December 29, 2007, about 1:30 in the morning, and I am here in Oakland, California, in the house where I lived for 18 years, where I'm finally able to catch my breath after the busiest six weeks of my life. And what could keep me so busy? Three simultaneous acting projects. Nuts.

I should have been blogging about these projects during their runs, but I guess late is better than never, and maybe it will help now that I have a little perspective on things. Each project was very special, and take a tremendous amount of pride in each of them. Having endured through all the rehearsals, shooting schedules, and performances, I can say that my confidence as an actor is at an all-time high, and I have no doubts whatsoever about my talent or ability. I only have to wait for the opportunity... but I digress.

Each day, I will dedicate one entry each day to each project. Today: The Wiz Kidz.

Project Title: The Wiz Kidz
Children's TV Show (Pilot)

Top: Holly Fletcher. Middle Row: Maxwell Glick, Zorana Edun, Tina Ferraro, Jacob Nixon, Rob Westin, Randy Bautista. Bottom Row: Robert Acinapura, Nikki Blackwell, Selyna Arciaga, Auti Angel, Egypt Reale, Rae Toledo

I'll admit it; I did not envision a children's TV show to be a stop on my road to superstardom. But then I remember speaking with Pamela, the writer and producer, right after I had left callbacks, and sometimes you just get this feeling in your gut that tells you that you have to be part of this. Before the callback had began, Pamela talked about how she envisioned The Wiz Kidz as a group with diverse backgrounds, and teaching kids from all walks of life how they could be successful so long as they believed in themselves and took action. The callback in and of itself was unique in that the production team encouraged this idea of teamwork between the actors as opposed to competition. So when Pamela called me back a few days later saying I was cast, among all things, a dancer, how could I say no?

After three weeks of rehearsals and about five weeks of jazz dance classes, the shoot date had finally come. I was only in one scene: Divine's Dance Ball. The Wiz Kidz had just completed their adventure, and now was their chance to celebrate. As you could see above, we were an eclectic bunch! We had a ballerina, a fairy whose wings always seemed to tilt to one side, a martial artist who bore a striking resemblance to Ralph Macchio, and a spirited paraplegic dancer who sported dollar- and penny-sign spinners on her wheelchair. Awesome!

This was my very first experience shooting on a sound stage, and it was quite the experience. First of all, the floor consisted of turf and concrete, the kind of stuff that will ruin your joints should you decide to dance on them. Secondly, to set up the camera and the lighting for each shot takes about 20-40 minutes. Lastly, you want to give the post-production team a large variety of shots to choose from when they do editing, so you are getting about 5 to 6 takes for every shot. Which means lots of repetition. And more repetition. And then some more repetition. The grind started to wear on me. I started to internally whine and complain, until I realized that this is what you WANTED, and that opportunities are going to spring from this, so I told myself shut up and do it again.

Fortunately, the cast and the production team were really upbeat and professional, and before I knew it, it was 7:30 PM, 12 hours after I had arrived on set, and it was all over. I owe tremendous gratitude to Pamela, Maria, Loren, and all the cast and crew for just making this an amazing and gratifying experience! Of course, after The Wiz Kidz wrapped, there wasn't any time to rest on my laurels...

Come See My Play!

2007-12-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

If you are wondering why I haven't been blogging in a while, it's because I've had rehearsals for my play, The Sun No Longer Rises in the East, and I want you all to come!

These are all the performance dates:

New Hope Community Church (FHLCBC)
3041 Peck Road, El Monte, CA 91732
Dec. 13, 8pm - $25
Dec. 14, 8pm - $15
Dec. 15, 8pm - $15
Dec. 20, 8pm - $15
Dec. 21, 8pm - $15

Coffee Gallery Backstage
2029 N. Lake Avenue, Altadena, CA 91001
Dec. 17, 8pm - $15
Dec. 18, 8pm - $15
Dec. 22, 2pm - $15
Dec. 23, 2pm - $15

Lake Avenue Church Maple St. Building
393 N. Lake Avenue, Pasadena, CA 91101
Dec. 22, 8pm - $15
Dec. 23, 8pm - $15

Tickets can be reserved by calling 877-682-8777. When you order your tickets, make sure you mention my full name (Randy Bautista) as your referrer. As more show dates become available, I will let all of you know.

It's been a few years since I've been on stage, so this is something of a homecoming of sorts for me. It would mean so much if you all could come out and support. It's been a really challenging rehearsal schedule, but I'm extremely confident that the final product will be amazing! If you have any questions, please let me know. See you there!

Are You F@&%ing Kidding Me?!?!?

2007-10-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

Here's an idea, FEMA: when having a news conference on a natural disaster, don't use FAKE REPORTERS. It makes you look bad.

I swear, we all realized FEMA was incompetent during Katrina, but I didn't realize they were STUPID too...

The Fall of the UC/CSU System

2007-10-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

Thirty years ago, California had the #1 public education system in the nation. Then voters Proposition 13, and the K-12 schools started their decline. And now, according to the LA Times, with the state government slashing its budget and unwilling to raise taxes, our university system is also poised to fall from grace. As someone who grew up learning education was an important investment in our future, I am extremely appalled that we as a society are so willing to mortgage our future for a mediocre present.

The Road To Success

2007-09-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine accused me of not updating my journal enough. Of course, she was right. At the same time, I accused her of sheltering her xanga posts by not importing them to Facebook. So Trinh, I'm going to update, but in return, my faithful readers are going to know you exist. All's fair in love and online journals.

I was reading Trinh's xanga about her non-profit work in the Gulf Coast. Trinh and our mutual friend, Lynne (and yes, that rhymes), have been in Biloxi, Mississippi for the past month helping the Vietnamese community there recover from Hurricane Katrina. Although the media has moved on to sexier stories, the struggle to rebuild the Gulf Coast continues, and there is still much work to be done. Trinh's pictures in her xanga tell the story far better than my words every could, so I will leave that story to her. But as I finished reading Trinh's entry, her last line had struck a chord:

"It's been overwhelming, and the work is draining, no doubt. I've outreached to at least 120 houses in four days, so it's no surprise that I'm constantly tired. What surprises me though is that I already feel like my morale is low, and it's only the beginning..." - Trinh's Xanga

My first reaction was to immediately post a comment about how Trinh should keep her head up and how her work was truly making a difference. The world needed more people like Trinh and Lynne, people who dreamed of a better world and took action, and all I could think of was the tragedy it would be if either of them had lost hope! But as her words and my thoughts sank in, I started to think about my own dreams of becoming a great actor, and how my experience will be littered with obstacles and failures. Such is the universal human struggle: how do you succeed when the obstacles seem insurmountable?

When you have a destination, but the path is unfamiliar, you seek people who have taken the path before you. Thus, if I were to desire success, I must seek the successful. Enter Thomas Keller, executive chef and proprietor of the world-renowned French Laundry. After watching the amazing film Ratatouille, of which Keller served as a consultant, I was compelled to better understand Keller's love of food and its preparation. I started reading The French Laundry Cookbook, and within the first sentence of his introduction, Keller gets right to the point; great food starts with understanding its (and thus, the chef's) main purpose: to make people happy. But if you want to make others happy, you must find happiness yourself:

"For me, it's the satisfaction of cooking every day: tournéing a carrot, or cutting salmon, or portioning foie gras - the mechanical jobs I do daily, year after year. This is the great challenge: to maintain passion for the everyday routine and the endlessly repeated act, to drive deep gratification from the mundane."
- Thomas Keller, The French Laundry Cookbook

Reading the first paragraph alone got me thinking about love, and I came to a two revelations:

1. Love is NOT a more intense version of like.

I don't always like the people I love, and some of the things I love to do require things I'd rather do without. So LIKING something is not a prerequisite for LOVING something.

2. Love is about truly understanding the necessity of an action to accomplish a greater dream.

The true struggle of love lies in connecting our actions with the unrealized result. I may not like sitting in front of a computer for 30 minutes submitting to casting calls, nor do I like driving 30 minutes out of my way for an audition, nor do I like juggling two part-time jobs in order to keep a flexible schedule, but if I truly love acting, then I know all of this will lead to the realization of my dream. The better I connect these actions to my dream, the closer I reach Keller's ideal: that I will appreciate submitting to casting calls, and driving, and juggling the part-time jobs. (The great irony is that in indulging in the appreciation of the actions leading to success, you actually realize success in the present. In other words, taking the actions to be successful BECOMES SUCCESS ITSELF.)

So maybe the key to success is appreciating what we are doing now, and having faith that our actions will lead us to greater successes. Biloxi may have a long way to go, but Trinh and Lynne, you have my faith. And just maybe, you might find success sooner than you think.

The Dissenter

2007-09-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

If you have a bit of time on your hands, I suggest reading this great article in the NY Times about Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, who is considered the leader of the liberal bloc of the Court. With the current Supreme Court polarized along partisan lines, and questions about the ability of the Court to remain unaffected by political pressures abound, it is heartening to know that people like Justice Stevens still believe in the idea of an impartial government that does not cow to personal or political agendas.

Clothes Make the (Wo)Man

2007-09-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

So I have a new favorite show: Tim Gunn's Guide To Style. Normally I don't go for makeover shows; I feel like they're used to show off the designers, to show how much cooler and more stylish they are than everyone else. What's worse, the ones getting made over are totally silenced (because it was their bad taste that got them there anyway), while they're placed on a makeover assembly line, with each "expert" placing their own superficial mark on the subject, until the makeover-ees get to the end of the line, make their family and friends cheer for one fleeting moment, and then go back home, and all I can think is "in 24 hours, they'll be back to square one."

But Guide To Style is different. Instead of Gunn and his beautiful fashion accomplice, supermodel Veronica Webb, imposing their opinions like theirs are the only ones that matter, they dig deeper and really try to understand their makeover subjects, and why they choose to wear what they wear. While they provide guidance, Gunn and Webb never actually decide what their subjects should wear; it's up to the women themselves to discover their own style, and what feels right to them.

After watching the first three episodes, you'll find that a pattern emerges. All of the subjects on the show, to varying degrees, have the same problem: they all cling onto a past that doesn't reflect their present. One woman was in her 40's with a husband and daughter, and yet believed her 20's were the pinnacle of her life. Another woman had lost a tremendous amount of weight, but still dressed like she was 300 lbs. Another woman had moved around a lot, and believed she always had to blend in with each changing environment. As a result, all of them wore clothes that were unflattering, hugged them in the wrong places, and simply weren't them. As Gunn would say, they didn't "own" their look. Which of course made me ask the question, "did I own my look"?

After finishing the first episode, I immediately went down to my room started going through my own closet. Within that jungle of hangers and cloth, I found the same problem that haunted all these women; I had t-shirts from my college days, random underwear of different sizes and styles, dress shirts that were too big, worn out tops that were washed out and dull, etc. I wondered what was it in my psyche that urged me to keep these clothes, and what did I have to do to let go of my past, and embrace my present.

Ironically, my past was all about my future. Growing up, I was constantly reminded about the promises of the future. My parents both immigrated from the Philippines, constantly reiterating how important it was for them to give their children a better life. I had two older sisters who, by their presence alone, reminded me what my future had in store. It was a wonderful message that inspired hope and longevity.

But with all the reminders about the wonders of the future, I somehow twisted and corrupted the message into believing that the present wasn't good enough. I had to act older. I had to act wiser. I had to be in control. I had to anticipate all the consequences. I had to constantly think about the future. And my clothes reflected that. Very rarely did I have clothes that actually fit me. I always wore clothes that were a few sizes too large, anticipating that I would grow into them. Ironically, once I grew into those clothes, they wore out, so I would end up buying new clothes that wouldn't fit me!

So in that closet, I made the conscious decision to only wear things that fit me. I cleaned out most of my t-shirts and underwear, and stuck them into my luggage to be stored away in Oakland. I then went shopping at Ross (I may need to update my style, but I'm still on a budget), and only bought clothes that really felt right. My wardrobe transformation isn't quite complete, but I've got a good start. I also know I have a long way to go.

Clothes are superficial, but fashion is about how clothes make you feel. Ultimately, Guide To Style is about more than just designer clothes; it's about finding one's own confidence and self-worth. Because the right outfit won't disguise you; it will showcase who you truly are. And you are beautiful.

What a Weekend!

2007-09-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

So last weekend was one for the ages. I returned to Oakland to witness my oldest sister getting married! There are too many things to write about, and I hope over the next few weeks I can address them all. But in the meantime I'll just take things one at a time. So I begin this series of articles with:

Chapter One: She Picked the One

I remember when I first met my sister's would-be-husband a few years ago, and he made a nice impression. I liked him. But inside, I wasn't sure if he was THE ONE. My sister has had close calls before, and I couldn't help but be skeptical. Even after the engagement, I wondered whether they were getting married just because they were getting older and were just settling for each other. On the day of the wedding, I would find out if he was for real.

The day of the wedding didn't quite start off the way I would've liked. I was scheduled to sing for both the wedding ceremony and the reception, and I had no practice with my cousin who was taking care of the accompaniment. So I stayed with him the night before, assuming that everyone there knew they should be at the church about an hour before the wedding started. Well, forgetting that Filipinos believe nothing is ever on time anyway, I got there a good 10 minutes before we were set to start. Oh, and because I didn't have time the night before to pack my clothes, my parents had to bring my clothes to the church.

So there I was, still in my sweats and T-shirt, in the lobby of the church, ten minutes before I was to sing "Ave Maria" for the opening procession. I ran to the side room where my sister, who was absolutely stunning in her wedding dress, was just listening to her iPod. I changed, explaining why I was late, AND that my cousin didn't know he was supposed to play accompaniment to "Ave Maria," and we had to go to a backup plan.

"Here it comes," I thought. Here was my oldest sister who, while I always loved her, was known as a big nagger. She would always order me around, trying to impose her authority as the oldest, and as the youngest, I would rebel. I felt she would try to correct me whenever she had a chance. And now, having already messed up on what's supposed to be the greatest day of her life, I expected my sister to go ballistic. And she had every right to be.

But she surprised me that day. She just told me not to worry about it. She said she knew I would get to the wedding as soon as I could. And that the regular church organist was there as a backup, that she was a pro, and she could play for the opening procession. She had a quiet confidence I had never seen before. She had this sense that in the end, everything would work out. It was almost like the wedding itself was a formality. This wasn't a big transition into marriage. The transition had already happened. She picked her man.

For most of my adolescent and adult life I've been skeptical about love. I saw too many instances of cliche, of childish notions of "Happily Ever After," of infatuations filled with roller-coasters of drama. But at that split second, on Saturday, September 8th, 2007, at 1:55 PM, when I saw my sister just sitting there in her wedding dress, listening to her iPod, when that skepticism melted away. My sister found THE ONE. And there's no one on Earth who deserved it more.

Is There Anything Good About Men?

2007-08-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

No, it's not the title of a best-selling feminist book. It's a speech given by Roy F. Baumeister, a Psychology professor at Florida State University, last Friday at the American Psychological Convention in San Francisco. Instead of espousing the superiority or deficiency of one gender over the other, Dr. Baumeister suggests to look at gender difference as the result of the ways successful societies (and when we refer to "successful", we refer to the ability to survive and maintain itself) have exploited both men and women. I had understood before the idea that women were biologically more valuable than men, but this talk better articulates how that idea manifests itself in gender motivations and actions. A very fascinating read. What do you all think?

Link To NY Times Article
http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/08/20/is-there-anything-good-about-men-and-other-tricky-questions/index.html?ex=1345348800&en=ab869ff9248e16a4&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Link To Full Speech
http://www.psy.fsu.edu/~baumeistertice/goodaboutmen.htm

A New Addiction

2007-08-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

So I was wandering around UCLA, waiting for my audition for a student film (for which I was cast!) when I ran into three friends, Vince, Gerard, & April. We had a little chat, after which they invited me to meet up with them at the Coop. I agreed, and after my audition I headed over there.

We had a nice conversation, after which April asked to leave because she had to catch this comedy, Coupling, on BBC America. She said she always caught the show late by a few minutes, and this would be no different. The guys suggested that we ask one of their friends working at the Coop change one of the channels for us so we could catch it together. All you have to do is ask, right? Well, before I knew it, I was hooked.

A crude description of Coupling is that it's a UK hybrid of "Friends" and "Seinfeld", but more raunchy. A better description is that it is a sharp, well-executed comedy that deserves to stand on its own merits. As an incredibly fickle and critical TV-watcher, it might just be the best modern comedy I've ever seen.

Of course I can give you a complete critique of the series, or I can just present a clip and you be the judge. Of course, as I write this, Season 1 of Coupling is heading to my apartment as we speak.

Identity Politics In An American Tragedy

2007-04-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

It's been several months since I've blogged. Overall, my life has gone very well since that last entry. I often thought to myself that I only seem to write whenever I feel emotionally unbalanced, to both extremes. Sadly, this tradition continues.

I was horrified, as was much of the nation, when I first heard about the tragic shooting at Virginia Tech. Having such fond memories of my college experience at UCLA, I can't imagine the trauma the Virginia Tech students must be feeling, knowing their college experience will be forever marred by this bloody, senseless act of violence.

In our collective grief, our inherent desire to make sense of the senseless has given a cue to the mass media outlets to point fingers, and re-ignite heated debates. Were gun control laws inadequate, or did they contribute to the tragedy? What can be done to make our school campuses more secure? Why didn't the Virginia Tech administration lockdown the campus after the first shooting? Why are we seeing more gun violence in American schools? How do we identify and stop these killers before they strike? Just about any answer to these questions has already been said, both in print and on the air, so I won't be so pretentious to try and come to any conclusions. That's why we pay for cable news.

But there is one issue not covered by the media that deserves attention. It is well known by now that the shooter was another student, Cho Seung-Hui. His name makes it apparent that he is Asian, and indeed, the media have identified him as a South Korean immigrant. While the Korean community has quickly announced their condemnation of the shootings, no doubt rooted in fear of a similar backlash to that of Muslims after 9/11, very few have questioned the label that the media have stamped on Cho. Am I saying he is not a South Korean immigrant? Well no... and yes.

Let's take a closer look at Cho's background. Yes, he was born in South Korea. Yes, he immigrated to the United States. And yes, he was not a US citizen, having just renewed his green card in 2003. What media outlets fail to emphasize, however, was that he immigrated in 1992, FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, when he was EIGHT. He graduated from a high school IN VIRGINIA. And he majored in ENGLISH. So while the official paperwork may say that he was a Korean immigrant living in America, for all intensive purposes, he was KOREAN AMERICAN.

Yet, despite the fact that Cho grew up in America, and despite the fact that he lived most of his life in America, the media has conveniently omitted that single cultural description, "American", only allowing him to be "Korean". Why would that be? My roommate and I discussed this issue over dinner, and he hypothesizes that this is an attempt for Americans to cope by disassociating themselves from the killer. I would only add, and he would agree with me, that this "American" omission is not done consciously, but rather an instinctual reaction to protect our fragile view of the world. How can you believe that an American could shoot and kill fellow Americans? When he is not American. Now if he were just Korean, then the picture makes sense. He was a loner. End of story.

Obviously, this is not the end of the story. The news outlets will continue to dig for the missing pieces so long as the American public is still hungry for (easy) answers, filling in the gaps when it's convenient. Profiles of "Cho Seung-Hui: Mass Murderer" are being produced as we speak. The gun control debates will continue. No doubt colleges around the country will think about adding metal detectors and armed security to prevent future shootings. And the older generation will wonder what the hell is happening with our youth. And when the American public has had its fill of fast-food information and bubble-gum answers, we will forget and move on with their lives. Sadly, cultural amnesia is an American tradition.

Why I Do the Things I Do

2007-02-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

If you asked me right now where I am in life, I would say I was in a happy place. I love my job as a chess instructor. Last week I started another part-time job teaching an ACT prep course, and had a great time. My living situation is beginning to gel. Overall, life is good. However, despite the good times, I feel like my life has lost some direction, if only because my initial purpose for staying in LA has taken a backseat. Of course, I am referring to my film project.

I remember just six months ago that the film was all I could talk about, and thankfully the effort paid off, because now my friends have been grilling me about the project's status. I receive an email every week or so from them, wondering where I am with this project, and I say I'm just putting the project on hold as soon as the other parts of my life get settled. But now that these other aspects are beginning to settle, I think about going back to my project, but these ugly emotions creep back into my psyche. I feel like I'm returning to this dark corner of my life, and I'm not ready to go back.

Realization comes with perspective, and it wasn't until I took myself away from my film that I saw the blanket of sadness and isolation with which I bundled myself. Why I would submit myself to such abuse seems ludicrous, until you consider my creative space. I wanted to convey this constant theme of coping with isolation; it was an important topic for many of my friends who had just graduated, and I was right there with them. You can only write what you know, and if I wanted to write a great story, I had to feel the story first.

However, in my efforts to "feel" a great story, the process had bled into the actual filmmaking process. I WAS alone, in all aspects. I had no writing partners. I was saving money on my own. I bought all the equipment. While I had received great advice from other filmmakers and actors, with a few of them becoming friends, the project was still mine ALONE. I was reinforcing the very demon that I myself was trying to escape.

So why was I making this stupid film in the first place? Was it to make a great film? Was it to contribute to the Pilipino community? Was it to etch my name into something permanent? I had to go back where it all started: 1996, my first high school play, a stage adaptation of George Orwell's "1984". It was then when I first fell in love with storytelling, and maybe I’d find clues to my motivations today.

I remember that year was also one of transition. It was the year my grandfather died, and I was still coping with his loss. I elected to change schools, hoping to start anew and learn more about Catholicism and my faith. I also needed a place to channel the emotions I couldn't express in public. After that first audition, I felt like I found my place.

But as with any affair, when the infatuation ends, love must take its place if the relationship is to survive. The respite from the burden of unexpressed emotion may have got me into acting, but it was a special group of friends that kept me there. While I had a deep respect for their passion for the performance, our friendship grew beyond the stage. We found that we spoke the same language of video games, cartoons, and cards. We laughed together, and they helped me loosen up when I needed it. Most importantly, we were all in the same boat together, weathering the turbulent waters of adolescence, navigating the currents of personal expectations, first relationships, and the quirks of the high school micro-society. I wasn't alone, and it made all the difference.

So what does this say about myself and my film project? Am I really the right man for this film? Have I just been going about this whole project all wrong? Am I really just looking for a group where I belong? I don't know what donating this long-winded essay to the mercies of cyberspace will accomplish, except for the slight possibility that I might realize that my feelings are not mine to bear alone.

Reflections on an Old 9-5

2007-02-07T02:07:00.000-08:00

Earlier this afternoon, I was at my old employer's office. It was my first time there since I had resigned. I used to work at a bank, and I still had an account there and was depositing some checks. I saw some old colleagues of mine and we made some small talk. It had felt like years since I had left. And yet, nothing had changed.

It wasn't an easy decision to resign by any means. I had worked in the call center for about a year, and I had become good at my job. I was a top performer. I had the respect of my colleagues. I was already involved in the training of newcomers. The higher-ups were already looking to give me a promotion, and had I waited a few months I would've got one.

However, in spite of the bright future that my superiors were selling me, I was restless. You see, after three months in a call center, you're a veteran. Really, after three months, you've heard every type of call you would ever hear. And when you become a top performer, there's no where to go. But you know what happens when you stop growing. And I was far too young to stop growing at 24.

Now I didn't quit on them just yet. I tried to fight through the system and find my own niches to grow. I'd scan my emails every few minutes, hoping to find some opportunity to leave the phones. Want to help mentor a new hire? I'm on it. Rotation to a different department? I'm there. Leadership development workshop? Count me in. If they had offered a workshop on pottery, I would've taken it. Anything to get my mind off the phones.

But all the side projects ended up being temporary, and I always ended up back in my cubicle to take calls, so I had to help myself during those precious moments of silence between the next client and the last. I tested the limits of our web filter to find all the most amusing websites my company would allow us to browse. My early favorite was The Onion. When the filters finally caught up and blocked the site, I visited Morningstar, hoping to make a possible crossover into financial advising. Out of all websites, however, Wikipedia gave me the most solace. Where else could I refresh myself on both Star Trek and Star Wars universes, learn about the controversy over water fluoridation, and discover that Tom Cruise's birthname was Thomas Cruise Mapother IV?

Despite my efforts to amuse myself with diversions, I couldn't get over the feeling of being held back. My calling was not to answer phones. My calling involved educating, motivating, and inspiring. Just a year ago I was in college strategizing on how to secure funds for student retention and outreach, developing agendas for leadership development retreats, formulating suggestions for organizational restructuring, constructing and testing simple electrical circuits using resistors, capacitors, and diodes, directing and acting for a student-theatre company, and mentoring students on the opportunities both on-campus and beyond. Every hour of my day I was engaged, and I loved every moment. Now I was paid to disengage, and just be a working cog in the machine.

Now I understood that you had to put up with the entry-level BS a few years before a company started to give you more interesting work, but as the months passed, the price I was paying started to exceed any possible reward. I came home exhausted. Not like "sleepy" exhausted, but more like "don't-bother-me-couch-potato" exhausted. Maybe if I had an hour, even half-hour commute on the freeway this would have been understandable, but I lived two blocks away, and walked all of five minutes to and from work. I would come home so mentally brain-dead, I didn't even have enough imagination to work on my screenplay. My SCREENPLAY, my primary reason for living out here in LA, away from all my family. When you go home and you are too tired for your dreams to take flight, something is seriously wrong.

I remember vividly the day I decided to resign. I had applied to be a trainer, the one job I felt had the most potential and I could really shine. I made my presentation the day before and felt I did well. My supervisors called me in for the results. As you can guess, I didn't get the job. It wasn't so much their decision to reject me, per se; they chose an excellent candidate who would do the job well. It was their reasons for rejecting me that bothered me.

Here were there reasons in order:

#1 "We asked you to make two five-minute presentations, and you ran over time."
#2 "We were concerned about how you could positively spin a company policy with which a new hire disagreed."

I was dumbfounded. All this time, the one position I thought was about teaching and development, and the company's biggest concern was if I could stay on time and if I would sell the company line. No personal growth. No new ideas. Just follow the chain of command. It was that moment when I realized that it wasn't just the trainer position, but ALL roads within the company ultimately lead to those two requirements: be on time, and tow the company line.

Toward the end of the meeting, they told me how they still felt that I was special and that new leadership positions would become available and that I was sure to get one soon. I smiled politely and excused myself. I wasn't going to make the same mistake with my degree, and just stick with it in the hope things would get better. That night I drafted my resignation letter and submitted it the next day.

Now I don't regret for one second for working there, and many times I would think back and wonder if things could have been different. Maybe I could have bonded more with my supervisors. Maybe I could have gone part-time instead of quitting outright. I would have been much better of financially, kept my benefits, not have been as stressed during my period of unemployment. But back in that space again, I was reminded of what the company had expected of me, and what I expected of myself. And I realized I made the right decision. I needed a change of scenery.

Lost In Transition

2007-01-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... have I used this entry title before? Oh well... if I did, this entry will just be a mediocre remake of the original.

So after a long month I have finally come back to my journal. There were plenty of journal-worthy moments within that time: finishing the 2nd draft of the screenplay, returning to Oakland for the holidays, greeting the new year, getting new job(s), moving out of my apartment, and some other stuff I'm probably repressing from my conscious mind for one reason or another.

But with so much change at the same time, even finding which way was up was a struggle. I was tired, my emotions were all screwy, nothing seemed to be at the right place. Nothing really made sense. So I stopped. Let the chaos kind of fall wherever it may. Watched TV.

Now that I'm back, and I'm settled at my new apartment, I'm ready to try and make sense of the past few weeks. Note the key word is TRY. I'm pretty confident that I won't make any real sense of any of it, but I'll try to anyway, for your and my entertainment. Now I know Yoda would probably tell me "there is no try", but then again, I'm no Jedi.

Consequences of the Information Age

2006-12-12T12:56:00.001-08:00

So in the past 12 hours since becoming aware of the UCLA security breach, I've called UCLA confirming my info was in the compromised database, set a fraud alert with Experian, emailed every UCLA yahoogroup I'm on, and spent about an hour w/my roommate to set up a facebook support group. I guess it's all an effort to feel empowered when you feel helpless. Oh well, if I'm going to freak out, I'm going to make sure everyone I know freaks out with me.

Well not exactly. While the initial shock of knowing my information is floating around there with some stranger, it doesn't surprise me that this would eventually happen. The digital age has allowed us to store the records of millions, and potentially TRILLIONS, of people in just one centralized server with ease. Unfortunately that ease is afforded to all, regardless of one's intentions. And no security system is completely secure; the hacker that got into UCLA's database didn't actually BEAT the security, but went AROUND it. So with the UCLA security compromised, potentially the information of 800,000 people has been exposed, and while that number seems gigantic, in this digital age, where the difference between storing 1 GB and 10,000 GB is only a few thousand dollars, that number could easily be a lot bigger.

But it's not like our information is out there already. Hell, my generation has practically EMBRACED the idea of information sharing. They had us at the start, when Napster let us share "free" music. After that, the snowball just raged down the hill and never let up: music sharing became file sharing, and now with devices like friendster, myspace, facebook, livejournal, xanga, and blogger, we're now into PEOPLE sharing, starting with OURSELVES. We put up pictures for everyone to see. We put up all the ways outsiders can find us: phone numbers, email, AIM, addresses, profile links. It's become an obsession, as if we NEED the world to see us, lest we be forgotten. And we've accepted the risks, or have just been oblivious to them. After last night, UCLA is certainly oblivious no longer.

With this rude awakening, Pandora's Box has been opened for about 800,000 people, with millions watching in horror, and there's nothing we can do to go back. We might as well accept the fact that NOBODY's personal information is truly secure, and with that, focus on how we can prevent that information from being used against us. The dam has broke, and while cursing the dam feels appropriate, it'd be more prudent to learn to stay afloat.

UCLA Personal Information Hacked

2006-12-12T01:19:00.000-08:00

Between the tasing, admission dilemmas, football upsets, the men's basketball team, and this, you'd think UCLA was the center of the whole friggin' universe. (article from LA Times website)

Major breach of UCLA's computer files

Personal information on thousands is exposed in one of the largest security break-ins ever at a U.S. university.

By Rebecca Trounson, Times Staff Writer
10:04 PM PST, December 11, 2006

Exposed

click to enlarge

In what appears to be one of the largest computer security breaches ever at an American university, one or more hackers have gained access to a UCLA database containing personal information on about 800,000 of the university's current and former students, faculty and staff members, among others.

UCLA officials said the attack on a central campus database exposed records containing the names, Social Security numbers and birth dates — the key elements of identity theft — for at least some of those affected. The attempts to break into the database began in October of 2005 and ended Nov. 21, when the suspicious activity was detected and blocked, the officials said.

In a letter scheduled to be sent today to potential victims of the breach, acting Chancellor Norman Abrams said that although some Social Security numbers were obtained by the hackers, the university had no evidence that any of the information had been misused.

"We take our responsibility to safeguard personal information very seriously," Abrams said in the letter, which was scheduled to be mailed or e-mailed overnight to those whose records were compromised. "My primary concern is to make sure this does not happen again" and to provide information to try to minimize the risk of identity theft for those affected, he said.

Abrams urged those whose records might have been accessed to monitor their consumer credit files and consider fraud alerts and other precautions.

The UCLA incident is the latest in a series of computer security breaches affecting private organizations, financial institutions, government agencies and other large employers. Partly because of their tradition of openness, universities are proving to be a favorite — and often vulnerable — target, several experts in the field said Monday.

"Universities tend to have a lot of information floating around in a lot of different places," said Jay Foley, executive director of the Identity Theft Resource Center, a San Diego-based nonprofit. "They are places we send our children to share ideas, and it's hard to mix the open sharing of ideas with the need to tighten down on security."

In 2003, for example, a hacker at San Diego State used an outdated computer network in the drama department to find a way into the financial aid system. The Social Security numbers of more than 200,000 people were exposed.

Foley and others interviewed said that although there was no evidence of any fraudulent or illegal use of the information, the UCLA breach, in the sheer number of people affected, appeared to be among the largest at an American college or university.

"To my knowledge, it's absolutely one of the largest," said Rodney Petersen, security task force coordinator for Educause, a nonprofit higher education association that focuses on technology issues. He said most problems at universities have involved breaches of departmental or other, smaller databases.

Comprehensive statistics on computer break-ins at colleges do not exist. But in the first six months of this year alone, there were at least 29 security failures at colleges nationwide, jeopardizing the records of 845,000 people. Both private and public institutions have been hit. In 2005, a database at USC was hacked, exposing the records of 270,000 individuals.

Petersen said that in a survey released by Educause in October, about a quarter of 400 colleges said that over the previous 12 months, they had experienced a security incident in which confidential information was compromised.

At UCLA, officials said Monday that the targeted database included records for the university's current and former students, faculty and staff, in some cases dating to the early 1990s. Others potentially affected included some applicants during the last five years who did not enroll at the university, as well as some parents of students or applicants who had applied for financial aid.

About 3,200 of those being notified are current or former staff and faculty of UC Merced and current or former staff of UC's Oakland headquarters. UCLA handles administrative processing for both groups.

Besides names, Social Security numbers and birth dates of those affected, the database includes home addresses and contact information, officials said. It does not contain driver's license numbers or credit card or banking information.

Jim Davis, UCLA's associate vice chancellor for information technology, described the attack as sophisticated, saying it used a program designed to exploit a flaw in a single software application among the many hundreds used throughout the Westwood campus.

"An attacker found one small vulnerability and was able to exploit it, and then cover their tracks," Davis said.

He said the problem was spotted when computer security technicians noticed an unusually high number of suspicious queries to the database. It took several days for investigators to be sure that it was an attack and to learn that Social Security numbers were the target, he said.

Davis said the investigation was continuing, but that university officials had decided to notify potential victims now.

"UCLA and its community are the victims of this, and despite the great deal of effort we put into security, this really is a breach of trust with our community," he said. "Given that we saw intent in this, we needed to let people know."

UCLA has established a website to provide information and answer questions about the incident at www.identityalert.ucla.edu ,+and a toll-free call center, (877) 533-8082.

Laura Eimiller, spokeswoman for the FBI's Los Angeles office, said the agency was investigating the breach, but said she could not comment further.

rebecca.trounson@latimes.com

And the News Just Gets Better

2006-12-07T04:24:00.001-08:00

After UCLA's heroic triumph on Saturday, the USC Condoms continued to fail into Sunday, as Cal broke their men's water polo team, 7-6, for the national championship!

Do you hear that sweet music? It's a Trojan crying. Go Bruins!

Maybe It Was the Fans...

2006-12-03T13:43:00.001-08:00

UCLA football's 13-9 shocker over USC might have caught the nation by surprise, but that doesn't mean they didn't want to see this happen.

Let's count how many people were rooting for each team:

USC: Everyone in Los Angeles OUTSIDE of Westwood, Pac-10 Officials, the architects of the BCS
UCLA: Westwood, EVERYONE in the SEC (Florida), EVERYONE in the Big 10 (Michigan & Ohio St.), and ALL Notre Dame fans

Count the score, or count the fans. The result is the same. We win.

Go Bruins!

SC's Road To the National Championship...

2006-12-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

...ended here.

And guess who was there?

For six years, I imagined how sweet this would feel...

Now I know...

And the reality is SO MUCH SWEETER!!! Go Bruins!!!

Note to The Onion: Hire Me.

2006-11-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

Here is my lame attempt to join writing staff of The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Enjoy.

UCPD Says Tasered Iranian Student Mistaken for Black Man

The UCPD issued an apology earlier today, stating that the tasing of an Iranian student in Powell Library was completely unjustified, and that it would never have happened had they known that the student wasn't Black.

"We deeply regret any emotional and physical pain we may have inflicted upon the tasered student and his family," stated UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young. "In taking our responsibility to protect the UCLA community from potentially harmful intruders, we sometimes mistake men of darker complexions with Black men, thus resulting in this unfortunate incident."

The incident occurred around 11:30 PM the evening of Nov. 15 at Powell Library. The student, Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a fourth-year Middle Eastern and North African studies student, was using a library computer when Community Service Officers, or CSOs, doing their routine checks, requested Tabatabainejad to show his student ID. When he refused to comply, the CSOs called the UCPD.

"When the UCPD officers came, the CSOs were told them to escort 'that brown guy over there,'" Young said. "The officers must have assumed that person was Black."

Young emphasized that the UCPD only allows UCLA students, staff, and faculty to use the libraries after 11 PM. "And as we all know, the only Black people UCLA admits are athletes, and the kid couldn't have been taller than 5'6", 140 pounds. There's no way he could have been an athlete."

As the UCPD officers proceeded to escort Tabatabainejad out of the library, the student began to scream at the officers, yelling "Here's your PATRIOT Act, here's your fucking abuse of power!"

"At this point, he wasn't even allowing our officers to rebut his arguments," Young stated. "This person either had no idea what proper Parliamentary debate protocol was, or decided to ignore the protocol altogether. In either case, the combination of his unruliness and his African complexion gave our officers the impression that he was a threat, and following protocol, proceeded to taser him."

Tabatabainejad was tasered several times, even after he was handcuffed. "When he couldn't get up after the first couple of tasers, the officers knew something wasn't right," Young continued. "Usually, Black people can withstand six or seven tasers before being incapacitated."

Although civil rights groups, like the ACLU, have noted that taser victims can be damaged both physically and psychologically, Tabatabainejad says he suffers from none of those symptoms. "It was like static shock. No big deal," Tabatabainejad said. "Of course, my lawyer says that it is very possible I could suffer from severe emotional and traumatic episodes in the future, especially in front of a judge and jury. Therefore, I intend to file suit, and I assure you, I will be well compensated for these convincing and unrehearsed fits of suffering and anguish."

Since announcing his intentions to file suit, Tabatabainejad has received solicitations from several sources desiring to tap his pending fortune, including golddiggers, distant and destitute blood relatives, and Al Qaeda.

"I have not decided what to do with this new money," Tabatabainejad said. "All I know is this: I'm going to be rich, bitch!"

Young reiterated his regret at what he calls an honest case of mistaken identity. "Believe me, if the UCPD had known how much bad publicity this would have brought to us and to the university, we would have thought twice before we tasered him. We at least would have been more discrete about it."

A New Blog... A New Journey

2006-11-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

So after more than two and a half years of blogging/xangaing/livejournaling, I have created a new blog to represent a new adventure in my life: filmmaking. So now you will find most of my updates at my new blog Randy in Film.

Does this mean I will be abandoning my old online journals? Not at all. But as my life becomes more consumed into this new endeavor, updates into this blog will become fewer and farther between. So please follow me in my new journey. I'll need all the support I can get.

Living Companies Keep Me Up At Night

2006-10-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

So anyone who has talked to me in the past two weeks knows that lately I've had a hard time sleeping. There's something about the peace and quiet of the night that lets my race and I just can't get it to stop. I probably should stop reading, but I've been really engrossed by this book that's changed the way I think of businesses and communities.

The book is called "The Living Company" by Arie de Geus, and he challenges us to think about businesses and other social organizations not as just collectives of people, but as a distinct persona, which has the capability to learn and grow as any other individual would. He utilizes the definition of persona by the psychologist William Stern to explain how a company is a living persona:

A company is goal-oriented. A company desires self-preservation, utilizing its strengths and the conditions of its environment to ensure its existence.
A company is conscious of itself. The is a clear definition between who is part of the company and who is not.
A company is open to the outside world. Elements enter and exit the system of a company, similar to the human body.
A company has a finite lifespan. A company is born, lives its life, and when it can no longer function, dies.

At first, I had a hard time grasping this idea just because I'm used to just considering individuals as organisms. That is, until I realized that individuals are collectives themselves. While it seems natural that we have full control of our own body's facilities, the truth is we don't. Our body can be subdivided into organs which operate beyond our conscious thought, and sometimes even function independently and against the will of the higher-level personae. These organs also prioritize their own self-preservation; it's just that in most cases, their self-preservation is best served by following the will of the higher-level personae.

The author argues that because companies are living entities, the success and longevity of a company is determined NOT by its size or its profit, but rather by its ability to adapt and to grow. He also argues that too many companies prioritize profit over longevity, which then discourages collective learning and adaptation, and thus die prematurely.

The paradigm shift has got me to re-think my own concepts of human will and human behavior, the possibility of individual will of the organs and cells within my own body, and how to best facilitate leadership, both within the company I work for, and within the production team of my film. No wonder I stay up nights.

Just When I Thought I Couldn't Be More Ashamed...

2006-10-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

After the disaster in South Bend, I was hoping to find a sympathetic article in the sports section of the Daily Bruin website. Instead, I find this editorial.

Now, say what you will about reparations. I agree that impact of slavery on African Americans is difficult to quantify, and I doubt that any mere cash handout or services rendered to African Americans would adequately address any social inequalities. What offended me was the Daily Bruin editorial board dismissing the Brown students who protested an anti-reparations ad in the Brown Daily Herald as "curious."

Now I'm not African American, but I'd imagine that if I were, knowing that:

the American government supported the enslavement my people
the American government continued to oppress my people through Jim Crow and segregation laws
society's images of my people are either as sports stars, thugs, or crack pushers/heads
I am statistically more likely to go to jail than to college
I am as likely to get a fair trial as anyone in Guantanamo Bay
I am more likely to be stopped by the cops than the white guy next to me
And people are actively trying to turn me away on Election Day

...if someone were to put up an ad that even SUGGESTS that my people don't deserve some payback, I might just be a LITTLE BIT PISSED, wouldn't you? It's one thing to question reparations, but the Daily Bruin ediorial board actually believes that outrage over slavery today is simply unfathomable! For American students, who learn about slavery and African American history in school, the lack of thought and empathy in this editorial is down right insulting. I'd expect this kind of crap from an egocentric columnist, but not from the editorial board. Just shameful.

Prevent Offense Prevents Win

2006-10-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

Notre Dame 20, UCLA 17

Tell me... when you haven't had a run for more than 5 yards in the entire game, and you are up by 4 with a little more than 5 minutes to play, why would you try to run for 5 of your last 6 offensive plays?!?!? I sure as hell don't know, but it sets up Brady Quinn to have classic Notre Dame a game-winning TD drive. I've been very kind to Karl Dorrell and the UCLA coaching staff, but someone needs to be fired after playcalling like that.

First, the A's give up a walk-off HR to send the Tigers to the Series. Now this. Two giftwrapped send-offs in front of national audiences in consecutive weeks. I'm feeling sick.

Mercy

2006-10-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

ALCS - Game 4

Tigers 6, A's 3
Tigers win series 4-0

A's 8th inning defined this series. Tie game 3-3. Milton Bradley hits a single. Tigers relief pitching wild, on Frank Thomas, goes up 3-1 count. And what does Thomas do? Ground into double play. Tigers then throw 13 straight balls. Give up three straight walks, loading the bases. What does Marco Scutaro do? Pops out on the 2nd pitch he sees. Sigh...

I guess with their stats the A's shouldn't even gone as far as they did, but getting swept in front of a national audience is pathetic. Too many chances left on the table. Tigers beat us straight up. Good luck, Detroit, you deserve it.

On the Edge

2006-10-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

ALCS - Game 3
Tigers 3, A's 0

Tigers lead series 3-0, best of 7

A's get owned by Kenny Rogers. Period. Time to pray.

Need Some Roommates

2006-10-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hey... does anyone (or someone you know) need a place to stay starting in January? I'm looking for two people to share an apartment with myself and my roommate. It's a 2-bedroom, 2-bath place right off the Santa Monica 405 exit. Rent will be around $435-$450, depending on whether you want to stay in the bigger or smaller room. If you are interested, please let me know ASAP!!!

Hurting

2006-10-12T02:57:00.000-07:00

ALCS - Game 1
Tigers 5, A's 1

ALCS - Game 2
Tigers 8, A's 5

Tigers lead series 2-0, best of 7

Leaving runners in scoring position, errors, and woeful starting pitching have put the A's in a difficult 0-2 hole against the Tigers going back to Detroit. Under normal circumstances, I would be upset with the A's lack of discipline, but the tragic death of former A's pitcher Cory Lidle have pushed any concerns about baseball aside.

If you want to be an A's fan, you must accept the fact that the A's will let go of any player at any given time, no matter how well that player performs or how popular with the fans. It's the price you pay to be competitive while on a low budget. So the A's lose superstars, and replace them with more affordable prospects, journeymen, and castoffs past their prime. While it hurts to see former A's do extraordinary things with other teams, there's a certain magic to the Oakland uniform. You see it all the time; a guy rejected by other teams puts on an Oakland uniform, and they play like a superstar. John Jaha, Matt Stairs, Scott Hatteberg, Frank Thomas, Marco Scutaro. Cory Lidle.

Cory, you were a true professional in every sense of the word. You were always solid when you were on the mound. And no A's fan will forget August '02, when the A's won 20 straight, when no pitcher on Earth could match you. You were a gamer, and baseball lost one of its best. We'll miss you, man.

Sweep With Me!!!

2006-10-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

2006 ALDS - Game 3

A's 8, Twins 3
A's win series 3-0

Chavez breaks his post-season slump with a HR
+
Kendall makes a "phantom tag" at the plate
+
Scoot clears the bases with a 3-run double
= Oakland to the ALCS!
Good luck, Detroit, but I want Oakland to take out the Yanks, personally. Pucker up, Jason Giambi, 'cuz you're gonna kiss our "A's"ses. Let's go Oakland!!!

Bring It Home!

2006-10-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

2006 ALDS - Game 2

A's 5, Twins 2
A's lead series 2-0, best of 5

They say there's no play more exciting in baseball than an inside-the-park HR, unless it's an inside-the-park HR that gives you the lead. Thank you, Mark Kotsay.

Oakland, bring your brooms. Your boys are coming home!

Old Stomping Grounds

2006-10-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

So last Thursday I was back at UCLA attending Samahang Pilipino's Annual Welcome Reception. As a former student leader, it's always great to go back. Your biggest fear as a leader is that you leave things worse than when you were there, so knowing that a tradition you were part of for years still goes on gives you a little sense of relief. All the new students were sitting at their tables, watching all the org presentations, wondering what exactly was going. And all the current leadership, who all used to be the wide-eyed new students in the audience when I was around, were scrambling around, making sure sure everything was OK, and looking wiped out by the end of the night.

It was ironic to see, just because you remember that feeling all too well; you're in a new position, and you're excited about the new year. You compare yourself to your predecessors, remembering how they worked miracles, hoping you can live up to your own memories. And you have this huge fear that you'll do something stupid, like mess up an event, no one shows up, or you say something dumb that'll offend a bunch of people. Then when you DO mess up, you think everyone hates you, that you're incompetent, and when history looks back on you, all people will think about is how YOU messed up and jeopardized the entire organization. Does it sound like I've been there?

But if there was any question I'd ask the current leadership, I'd ask, "Had you really thought about the worst that could happen?" Seriously. What would really happen if no one showed up to your event? Or you happened to say something offensive? Or you couldn't get the funding you wanted for your workshop? Would the community really brand a scarlet letter on your chest? Would history remember you as a bad person? If I had really thought about the answers to those questions, I would've saved myself so much agony. And it's even more ironic that for three quarters, Summer, Fall, and Winter, Samahang is handcuffed by fear of expectations. It isn't until Spring, when everyone is finishing their term, and expectations for the perfect year are shot to Hell, and everyone just wants to get everything done, and is too busy to fear anything, when Samahang is at its finest.

And if you want to know what I as an alumnus think, I don't necessarily care about WHAT you do, but how you FEEL doing it. Do you really want what's best for the community? Do you believe Samahang is something worthwhile? If you can answer yes to both those questions, there's no way you can fail. Your heart will find all the knowledge, all the skills, and all the support you need to succeed.

A community organizer's ideal is that you create a situation where the community can articulate and address their own needs, making your own role obsolete. It's not something valued in the Western corporate world. You are supposed to make yourself INdispensable, creating a niche that you and only you can fulfill, to ensure yourself of employment. But I go back to UCLA every now and then, and I see Samahang is still around, doing just fine without me. Turns out I was just as dispensable as all the other alumni were. And there's no better feeling in the world.

I Am PUMPED!!!

2006-10-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

2006 ALDS - Game 1

A's 3, Twins 2
A's lead 1-0, best of 5

Frank Thomas hits two HRs, one off the best pitcher in baseball, Johan Santana, and the A's win a game even I didn't think they'd win. Now Oakland's in the driver's seat. Time to take Game 2!!!

Let It Be Known Throughout the Globe...

2006-09-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

Oakland A's. 2006 AL West Champions. Oakland REPRESENT!!!

A Quote for the Busy Bodies

2006-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

"The secret of life is to enjoy the passing of time." - James Taylor, "Secret O' Life"

The Facebook Fiasco

2006-09-08T00:33:00.000-07:00

So somehow, some way, despite all the lies, corruption, natural disasters, war, genocide, famine, and all the crap that goes on in the world, the issue of News Feeds on Facebook has, at least in the short term, has become the hot topic among students and young alumni. Although I personally think the issue is totally overblown, the arguments of Big Brother-type stalking features in the updates have brought about questions about privacy in the cyberage, which I believe IS an important issue, and will continue to be an issue as we get deeper into the 21st century.

The Controversy

So for those who are unfamiliar with Facebook, it's a networking tool, primarily for college students, recent alumni, and just recently, high school students, to maintain contact with one another, provide contact information, share pictures, and other cyber-social activities. Just one week ago, to get updates on friends, you had to physically click on a person's profile and read through it, trying to sift through what changes were made.

However, with the new News Feed feature just implemented this week, everything that all your friends have posted or updated all show up once you log in. So if someone changed relationship status from "In A Relationship" to "Single", you'll know it. If new pictures of another friend have been posted, you get to see them. Did your friend find other friends? Guess what, you'll know about that too. Also, with the Mini-Feed feature on individual's profiles, you get to see their own specific history over the past week. It's a plethora of information in one place. For many, it's too much.

The main argument against News Feeds is that it violates individual's privacy. Why should the entire world know if I posted a comment on another person's picture? Why should everyone know that I just became single, as if it were an invitation for the entire world to hit on me? (BTW, my status has ALWAYS been Single on Facebook, and yet no one asks ME out... what's the deal?!?) Such backlash has been growing by leaps and bounds. As of today, more than 730,000 members have joined the "Students against Facebook News Feed (Official Petition to Facebook)" group and growing. It seems that the cyber-youth want Big Brother off their back.

My Opinion

Certainly, individual privacy is an important aspect to any democracy. Information is power, and those who hold sensitive information carry power over those who don't. If people do not have the power to control those who have their information, especially important information like social security numbers, medical records, financial activity, and passwords, then entities beyond our control can destroy lives at their will.

However, despite the overwhelming belief of the thousands (and possibly, millions) to the contrary, I believe the News Feed feature does NOT violate individual's privacy, and that those who are complaining about the News Feed should seriously reconsider utilizing online networking tools in the first place.

Let's be honest here, people... Facebook is a tool used to make information public. When you join Facebook, you make the conscious decision that any information you put out there can be SEEN BY ANYONE WHO HAS AN INTERNET CONNECTION. All the information available in the News Feed was public information to begin with. All that News Feed does is make that information more convenient to find. Anyone who thinks that News Feed suddenly ALLOWS people to stalk others has been living in a bubble. Facebook profiles and comments have ALWAYS been public, and therefore, Facebook stalking has ALWAYS been a possibility for anyone who chose to do so.

So guess what, fearful cyber-populace? If you don't want information to be shared on Facebook, then DON'T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK! If you don't want the world to know you're single, then don't set any relationship status. If you don't want anyone reading your comments about others, then send a private message. If you don't want people to find you, then DON'T HAVE A PROFILE. And while you're at it, don't put up highly sensitive material on online journals either, even if they are set to "protected" or "private". If the only person who should see the material is you, why are you sending the information through cyberspace in the first place?

Conclusion

While I believe the argument that the Facebook News Feed "Orwellian" is not very compelling, the whole controversy has served to make people aware at just how accessible personal information is through the internet. I certainly believe that people have the right to personal privacy. However, you CHOOSE to put up a Facebook profile, and Facebook profiles are NOT PRIVATE. Now if you are really concerned about personal privacy, then go write to your local Congresspersons and pressure them to repeal the USA PATRIOT ACT. Because unlike Facebook, you DON'T have the choice of whether or not you want to be subject to the law.

Anyone Up For the Game?

2006-09-01T02:41:00.000-07:00

UCLA Football Kickoff vs. Utah
Saturday, Sept. 2nd
Rose Bowl, 4 PM

I'll be there tailgating. Who wants to meet up???

I WANT To Make Mistakes

2006-08-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

So the last month has been a little crazy for me. I've just been in this weird funk after my first script reading. I just felt lost afterwards. I didn't really feel I was getting much guidance for the movie. Same for work. I felt like I was wandering in the woods. And it didn't really hit me at how lost I was until this past week.

So this past week we had a leadership training workshop on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Even if you haven't read the book, you've probably heard of some of the habits: "Be Proactive" and "Seek To Understand, and Then To Be Understood." I found it amusing how the mini-movies exotified non-White cultures, like Native Americans, Africans, and Asians, and of course all the White folks seemed to just nod their heads. But anyway, being the former UCLA student advocate that I was, I did what came naturally, I questioned. In particular, I questioned whether the company truly fostered an environment where the 7 Habits could be exercised. So I brought up the questions like a good heymaker should, and the trainer responded right back to a question back at me: "Well, what have YOU done to change yourself? Because you can't change your environment unless you embody the change yourself."

My first thought was "leave it to corporate America to take a quote of a Civil Rights Leader to reinforce the status quo." Second, I wondered whether it really was me, or if it really was the company, or just both. I'll admit that my own pride does get in the way of a lot of things, and my first instinct is to alter the environment to my desires. But third, and most profoundly, I asked myself if I was really being true to my movie project. I whined about how I didn't feel supported about this movie project; was it because people saw that, deep down inside, that I wasn't giving it my all? Did they see that I was clinging on to other safety measures, like my job and my current circle of relationships, and that just maybe I was too scared to do what was necessary to see this movie through? Did others see that I just didn't believe in myself, or in them, as much as I should have?

I realized that I was confronting my perfectionist tendencies head-on. A conditioning groomed since as long as I can remember. A belief that something wasn't worth doing unless it was done perfectly. An assumption that I shouldn't get involved in anything unless I could be the very best at it. A fear in making any mistakes.

But after some reading and reflection, I realized that in order for that philosophy to hold, I had to make two assumptions: #1 I knew what perfection was, and #2 I knew what a mistake was. Did I really understand what a perfect movie was? Or a perfect high school or college career? Or a perfect lifestyle? Probably not. And did I know what truly made a mistake? Were the actions that I thought were mistakes really mistakes? Many of humanity's greatest works were created from "mistakes". Penicillin was discovered when a Petri dish was accidentally contaminated with fungi. Chocolate chip cookies were invented when Ruth Graves Wakefield ran out of baker's chocolate for her chocolate cookies, and instead replaced it with semi-sweet chocolate, hoping the chocolate would melt into the batter. Maybe all internal checks and balances that were meant to protect me were the very structures that prevented me from discovering new ways to think and live.

One last epiphany comes from a book I just finished reading by Ricardo Semler called "The Seven-Day Weekend: Changing the Way Work Works". The book charts how his company Semco has implemented a structure of workplace democracy where workers are allowed to set their own hours, define their own job responsibilities, set their own wages, select and fire employees, and basically have access to any and all information regarding the organization. You can imagine that such an environment would create such chaos, and to some extent it has. Semler literally has no idea of the direction that his company is going, and his ideas can just as easily be voted down as anyone else's. Neither is Semco impervious to mistakes, and Semco's employees make plenty. But because Semco is structured so that the employee's self-interest is directly tied to the company's performance, and that the employees have all the tools available to shape Semco's performance, there is enough flexibility within the organization so that hazardous "mistakes" are not fatal, and creative "mistakes" are opportunities for growth. Which poses the question what is better: making numerous mistakes which are constantly and consciously addressed, or following one idea you take for granted because a superior told you so, only to find that it's a mistake several years down the road?

So it's in that spirit, with the knowledge that changing a behavior is far more challenging than changing knowledge or a belief, that I pray for the strength and courage to make MANY mistakes, and an open mind to navigate me through the chaos, in order to travel a path I could never have dreamed possible.

It's Snakes on a Plane!!!

2006-08-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since my last update, and I have a lot of things to catch up on, but first, I must provide a movie review of what be the best movie of the year, SNAKES ON A PLANE.

Yes, Samuel L. Jackson does not lie; Snakes on a Plane is the best movie of the year. Period. However, your experience cannot and will not be enjoyable if you simply sit back and relax. No, more than any other movie you see this year, SNAKES ON A PLANE derives it's appeal from audience participation. And lots of it. In fact, it DEMANDS it. If you don't scream at this movie, the snakes will kill you.

Let me give you an example: when I saw the film with my family at Union City, we were doing our part: booing at the villain, cheering when Samuel L. Jackson came on and kicked ass. When this guy, maybe in his 20's, I don't know, turns and says to us: "Can you quiet down? I'm trying to watch the movie!"

I only have one thing to say to that guy: What kind of a FUCKING IDIOT are you?!?

This is SNAKES ON A PLANE. If you need to hear the dialogue to figure out what's going on, then it's obvious that your parents dropped you once too many times.

And just in case you are still too dense to figure it out, let me explain the plot to you:

They put SNAKES ON A PLANE.
The people go crazy, because there are SNAKES ON A PLANE.
Samuel L. Jackson is a bad-ass motherfucker, and beats the crap out of the SNAKES ON A PLANE.
THE END

Now that I've ruined the plot for all three people who couldn't figure it out, let me give you some advice to maximize your SNAKES ON A PLANE EXPERIENCE:

#1 WATCH THE LATEST SHOW POSSIBLE IN A CITY OR COLLEGE TOWN. This will maximize the opportunity to you will be watching people who "get it."

#2 WHEN THE SNAKES APPEAR ON SCREEN, HISS AND, IF AVAILABLE, THROW RUBBER SNAKES IN THE AIR. You must give respect where respect is due.

#3 CHEER WHENEVER SAMUEL L. JACKSON APPEARS. You must give respect where respect is due.

#4 COUNTDOWN AS THE CLOCK WINDS DOWN TO ZERO. AND THEN SCREAM "SNAAAAAAKES!!!!"

You can find more ideas of what you can do here. Note that some ideas are better than others.

So has anyone else watched SNAKES ON A PLANE? Post your experiences here!!!

Bouncing Back

2006-08-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

So it's been a week since the reading (and big thanks to everyone who came, by the way!), but since then, I haven't been myself lately. I think I overexerted myself the past month trying to get it off the ground, and now I'm left a little exhausted, a little lost, and to be honest, a little lonely.

I'm not sure what it is. It's not like I've been living as a hermit. My roommates have been the best, and I've been going out practically every week re-uniting with my college buds, the legendary SPFUN. By the way, if you want to see how much we've changed, here's a pic of most of SPFUN back when we were 1st years:

And this is SPFUN now:

Aren't we amazingly beautiful?

I received a lot of words of encouragement from my friends and family, as well as the attendees at the reading, but I still felt empty. I've still been frustrated on the production end. I was hoping to generate interest in a possible director or a producer, or a writer, basically someone I could share the work with. Someone who can inspire me and pick me up when I'm out. I try to get my mind back on the project, but the prospect of having to fight and claw to just get people somewhat interested in the script, let alone be willing to commit themselves to make this happen, is, well, intimidating. Thank God I can still pay the bills. I can only imagine how full-time artists get by.

I hate when I get like this, because then I start to feel guilty about feeling so helpless. People help people who help themselves. People are attracted to people who exude confidence. Sulking won't get anything done. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

So what face do you show? Do you show the happy one where everything is going as planned? The depressed face, hoping someone will give you sympathy? The frustrated one so people can see how passionate and important this project is to you? Or, as I've been doing the past week, the poker face, because you don't know how you should feel?

You prepare to get beat, expecting it, knowing that successful people fail all the time, that it's not a question of whether you get knocked down, but whether you get back up. But knowing the path and walking it are two different things. And just because you know the routine, it still takes a lot of guts and a lot of heart to bounce back.

It's when you think you're close...

2006-07-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

...when you look up, and you realize how much farther you have to go. The public reading for my screenplay opened up my eyes in a lot of ways, and while it's something you somewhat expect, it doesn't make the road look less daunting. Looks like I'm going to sleep for a week, and then it's back to the grindstone.

The Final Push

2006-07-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

So the event of the year is coming. Will YOU be ready?

First Public Reading - Kidz of Echo Park
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
5:30 PM - 9 PM

Remy's on Temple
2126 W. Temple
Los Angeles 90026
Be there! You won't regret it!

6 Readers Cast...

2006-07-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

...3 more to go... I still need three more Pinoys... who's it gonna be?

One Confirmed Reader!!!!!!!

2006-07-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

And I think a second might be coming tomorrow! Oh joy!!!!!! But now I need some boys to step up and take some roles. C'mon folks, you know you want it!!!!

PS In case you don't know what I'm talking about...

Hello everyone. If you have not been in the loop, I'm have the first public reading of my new screenplay, "The Kidz of Echo Park"! I'm really excited because this is my first screenplay ever, and this is the very first time anyone will hear this out loud. My work is in pre-pre-production: as in all I have is a script, and that everything is subject to change. I have two main goals for this public reading:

1) To receive initial feedback so I can make revisions to the script
&
2) To find potential producers, directors, actors, etc.

However, this would be IMPOSSIBLE TO DO UNLESS I GET VOLUNTEERS! Here's a breakdown of who I need:

* 9 Readers (6 male, 3 female, with one female as the stage reader)
* 1 Agenda Facilitator (makes sure things run on time, and will facilitate the discussion after the reading)

Here's a quick breakdown of the characters:

Antonio - 17, El Salvadorian male, immigrated to american when he was 15, joins the Filipino gang "Kidz of 'Pilipinas" (KoPs), despite initial concerns, becomes one of the most repected members
Joseph - 19, Filipino American male, Antonio's mentor & best friend, defends Antonio like a brother
Maria - 16, Filipino American female, Joseph's sister, worries about Antonio & Joseph's future
Gamba - 19, Filipino American male, was part of Joseph's entering cohort into KoPs, greatly desires respeto, jealous of Antonio's position in KoPs

The other 3 males and 2 females will read the secondary roles, with one of the females reading stage direction (which happens to be the role with the most lines!). There won't be any rehersal time, although I will pass out samples of the characters and go over the major plot points before we go into the reading.

Here are the logistics of the reading:

Saturday, July 29th, 2006
6 PM - 9 PM

Remy's on Temple
2126 W. Temple
Los Angeles 90026

Any volunteers would need to be available @ 5:30 PM to go over the agenda. If you are interested in volunteering, please email me @ rundmb@gmail.com ASAP with the following:

* Your Name
* Contact Info
* What role(s) you would like to do

All the positions here will be fun and challenging, and you will receive my deepest appreciation!

Thank you everyone for your support!

Sincerely,

Randy Bautista
Extremely Excited/Nervous/Stressed/Etc.

Theraputic Pillows Bring Back Elementary Traumas

2006-07-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Back in April at the Pilipino Alumni Association dinner I had won a silent auction for a free massage and therapeutic pillow at a chiropractor's office in Laguna Hills. I finally cashed in the offer this past Friday, driving one hour from Westwood to Laguna Hills for my appointment. Although the drive to and from the chiropractor's added more stress than the massage in relieving it, the pillow was worth the drive. I'm definitely sleeping better with the pillow; almost TOO well. Now all I want to do is sleep.

When you sleep more deeply, you are more likely to remember your dreams, which I have for the past two nights. The self-analyst part of me loves picking at my own psyche, discovering my own internal motivations. But my emotional side is the total opposite, having to confront unresolved emotions. Such was this morning.

I was dreaming that I was back in elementary school. It was recess and I was shooting the basketball around by myself. But for the life of me, I couldn't make one single shot. I couldn't even make layups; I always ended up under the hoop at some awkward angle. As I played, there were some kids playing kickball, while some others were playing basketball full-court. What was funny was that all the balls everyone was playing with had "Bautista" written in permanent marker on them. As I kept missing, I asked other kids for some advice or help, but none responded. And as the kids played, the balls got flatter. My basketball, too, became flat to the point that you couldn't even dribble. I then woke up.

The dream had left me sad. I remember I would bring all sorts of things to school for my classmates to play with: basketballs, pen sets, toys. While some of the kids were nice, there were always a few that didn't have respect for the stuff I brought. Pens got lost, toys got broken. In particular, I remember one time when my basketball interfered with the 6th grade kickball game once too many times, and the kid just took it and booted it over the fence and into the street. All I wanted was a little courtesy and a little respect, but I never felt like I could even get that minimum.

Yeah, maybe kids are just mean and I should just leave it at that, but looking in retrospect, I realize that I was more reluctant to share with people after that. It wasn't worth it. Why the hell should I share things that were important to me if people were just going to shit all over it? No, everything I do and had was for my enjoyment alone, and I wasn't going to pimp myself or my things to anyone else.

It's funny that all this stuff comes up now, but with the public reading less than two weeks away, I'm feeling a little exposed. I'm wondering how people are going to react to a piece of writing that means more to me than anything I've done. And having yet to find any confirmed readers, I'm scared shitless that I'm not even going to have a chance to fail, that I'm just going to look like a fool who couldn't even sell his story to the actors themselves.

God... emotions are a bitch.

Reflections on 24, and Other Musings

2006-07-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

There's so much going on in my head I don't know where to begin. Maybe I should just break it down one at a time:

1. Birthdays

First of all, thank you all for your birthday wishes!!! I had a great birthday weekend. It was just what I wanted: relaxing, with moderate amounts of alcohol, and great company. It helped that I was celebrating with a few others who were also celebrating birthdays, including two beautiful Pinays, Clarisse and Marianne, and my roommates Peter (last week) and Samir (the day before). On the 6th I was with my roomies as we hit up a rooftop bar at The Standard, with a late-night bite at The Pantry, which just goes to show that everything in Los Angeles must start with the modifier "The". The next night I was over in Pasadena where I had drinks with my old SPEAR counselor and good friend JP (we gotta take a pic together, Japes!), my buds Richard, Lara, and my birthday twin Marianne:

Aren't we stunning? Anyway, good times indeed.

2. Redecorating

For those of you who have been to my apartment, you know there were two things that were sadly missing, a couch and air conditioning. But not anymore!!! I took some birthday money from the parents (thanks parents!) to get a new fan, and combined with some artful scavenging by Samir & Shiva resulting in a new couch and coffee table (scrubbed down thoroughly, of course, my new apartment looks like this:

Now I can have guests over for a significant amount of time!!! Yay!!! Of course, this would have been a satisfying birthday present alone. But of course, I've saved the best for last...

3. Going To The Public

It's official: the first public reading of my first ever screenplay is on! Here's the site:

Remy's On Temple
2126 W. Temple St.
Los Angeles, CA 90026
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
6 PM - 9 PM

I'm so excited to finally unvail the project to the world! I'm also incredibly nervous, because it gives me only three weeks to find readers and to revise my current draft. If you are curious about this project, please contact me and/or come to the reading. So with that, I'll probably be dedicating my webjournal to updates about the screenplay and the public reading for the next few days. Oh boy... things just got a little bit more hectic...

What You See...

2006-07-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Found this website through my sister. Makes you wonder how image-altering technology has an effect our idea of beauty, and what is truly attainable.

A Message to the Class of 2006 (or My Late 2005 Commencement Address)

2006-06-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

Going to the graduation ceremonies at UCLA last weekend, I reflected upon my own graduation a year ago. My then-sister's-fiance-now-brother-in-law was hoping that I would speak at my Pilipino Commencement, but at the time I had writer's block, and simply did not know what to tell my class. A year later, it looks like I finally have something to say. So call it a year and a week late. Enjoy this long (and purposely unedited/cut post).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allow me the honor of wishing to all of you graduates my deepest congratulations! I'm sure you all have heard a thousand times over how amazing an accomplishment this is, and how now you are armed with the tools to change the world and solve the problems that plague our world. And oh how many are out there! Hunger, war, disease, poverty. But you'll take care of it. It's your generation's turn. And it's your efforts as graduates of UCLA that will redeem the errors that humankind has wrought upon itself, and bring about a world of peace, prosperity, and social justice. Your generation will be our salvation. And I just have one thing to say to add to that: I hope you enjoyed that verbal sedative, because by the time you're finished reading this, they've just hurled you off the Ivory Tower.

Now before you start judging me, thinking that the real world has turned me into a Bible-thumping neo-con, just read on. I have not forgotten my work at UCLA. I have not thrown away all the knowledge and the cherished memories I had working with Samahang, APC, and the coalitions we helped build in the efforts to build a more equitable society. I still believe the war in Iraq is wrong, and that Pax Americana is an American-centric egotrip, too drunk off the colors of the American flag to understand what democracy and freedom really mean.

But I also want realistic and sustainable change. I believe that the Earth would not have the resources to sustain us if every person in the world were equal, living an average American lifestyle. I believe that the United States cannot make a complete, immediate withdrawal from Iraq unless it has a strategy to prevent extremists from Iran from taking over. I believe that while the efforts to lower student fees are admirable, lowering those fees would not sustain the quality of the University education unless the University receives more resources from the government, and that can only result in a monumental shift in minds of California politicians and voters taxes, and their willingness to pay more to support social services.

If there's anything that a year paying my own rent has taught me is that everything has a price, people and resources have their limits, and the social ills that woke us up in college have been around for thousands of years and have never been solved. Even the best efforts of Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and all of the other prophets, saints, social activists, and Children of God couldn't stop the suffering and tragedy in the world. Somehow I don't expect us to fare any better.

So with all the gloom and doom, and the seemingly inevitability of Armageddon upon us, why even attempt to actualize this wishy-washy idea of social justice? In all the darkness, I found some glimmer of light in the words of a mentor, Tim Ngubeni. I remember that it was my 4th year, and I was working in UCLA's Community Programs Office, where Tim's the director. I was in training for a governing body called the Campus Retention Committee and some of us weren't able to finish our homework assignments. As we gave our reasons why the work didn't get done, Tim would have none of it, and shot back, in his patented deep and booming South African accent, "Excuses?!? Excuses are tools for the incompetent!" At the time, I thought Tim was just berating us with another of his catch phrases, but upon further reflection, maybe this was the key to this whole struggle for empowerment and social justice. At is very basic level, that's what personal empowerment is: freedom from excuses.

If you really think about it, we use excuses all the time to hold back our own personal power. Sadly, most often it results in prolonging the suffering of another. How many times have we invoked weakness or ignorance to escape responsibility for the suffering around us? From wars fought an ocean away, to the disease and famine that affect billions around the world, to the homeless people we walk by on the street, we put up shields around us to prevent ourselves from intervening. And I have been guilty of putting up these shields all too often, based on a fear not based on failure, but on a fear of success. For if I were to be successful in, say, providing a meal for a homeless person and alleviating their hunger for one day, then the next time I encounter a hungry person on the street, all excuses to ignore them are now irrelevant, because I have shown that I have the awareness and the ability to alleviate that person's hunger. I must now either address this person's hunger, or CONSCIOUSLY walk away. Either way, I am forced to take responsibility, and face my personal values head on. And nothing is more frightening than facing your own demons.

But should we be successful in eliminating our fear of responsibility, imagine the possibilities. Imagine a world where no one says, "Oh, I can't prevent this person from going hungry," or "oh, I can't do anything because I'm thousands of miles away, or "oh, it's not our fault; we had bad intelligence." A world where we owned up to the consequences of our actions. Maybe that's what a world of social justice looks like. A world without excuses. And should our relatively insignificant world be wiped off the face of the universe, perhaps knowing that we did our best to build a just society is all the salvation we need.

A Year of My Life in My Hands

2006-06-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

So, if you haven't forgotten me already, I haven't exactly been keeping up with blogs. You'll have to excuse me; my writing energies the past few months have been directed to another project: my screenplay.

So for those of you who aren't in the know, I told myself that before I settled down into the regular 9-5 with the wife and 2.3 kids, that I was going to make a movie. I gave myself five years to complete the project, knowing that I would have to stay in Los Angeles, away from my family in the Bay Area. Now year one is now complete, and my first year objective is accomplished: a working first draft of a screenplay complete.

Just yesterday I printed out one draft: it was 70 pages long and took about 30 minutes to print out. After the printer was finished, I took a moment to hold the draft in my hands. I took my time. I let it sit there in my lap, to let myself feel the weight of a year of work. Reminiscing on all the hours sitting in front of my laptop, reading, meditating, absorbing myself in these characters, and their world. All of a sudden, it all became more real. One step closer to production. I can only imagine what it would feel to hold your dissertation in your hand.

I put the draft in a Manila envelope with an application and a check for $30, and shipped it to the Library of Congress to get it copyrighted. Which basically means I can sue people if they steal my idea. Now I know I've made it big time.

Now year two begins. And to make sure all my readers can call me out on it, here are my objectives for Year 2:

Have at least one live readthru for feedback
Create a budget
Find a director, assistant producer, A/V editor, and other production-like people
Identify potential primary cast members
Save $10,000 for personal expenses during production

Here's to my sophomore year. Cheers!

The Message On Iraq

2006-05-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

"I think they got the wrong message. Because the message on Iraq is if you don't have nuclear weapons, you get invaded, but if you DO have nuclear weapons, you DON'T get invaded. We didn't invade the Soviet Union and Russia and China. That's the message that's coming to the other members of the Axis of Evil, Iran and North Korea."

- Madeline Albright on "The Colbert Report", 5/11/06

Stephen Colbert Is A Comic Legend

2006-05-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

I've always been a Stephen Colbert fan. He's a great comic. But after his incredible performance at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner, he propelled himself into the comic stratosphere in what must be one of the gutsiest comic performances of all time! For those who dreamed of seeing President Bush getting verbally massacred right in his face, the reality is far sweeter than any of us could have imagined.

Shameless Plug/Reminder-I'm-Still-Alive Entry

2006-04-11T00:48:00.000-07:00

Hey dudes & dudettes. I haven't entered anything in quite a while, not for the lack of topics (ex: a week in the Bay Area, Grandpa's 10th Death Anniversary, GMA's State of Emergency, Final Four, etc.), but just 'cuz I haven't had the energy, and I've been putting my energy into other writing endeavors (i.e. my screenplay & my cover letters). But if you want to know what I've been busting my ass for the last three months, and will be for the next three weeks...

[BEGIN SHAMELESS PLUG]

UCLA Pilipino Alumni Association's 6th Annual Benefit Dinner:
Continuing Our Legacy
Saturday, April 29th, 5 PM - midnight
Santa Monica Sheraton Delfina
530 W Pico Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA 90405
Tickets are on sale NOW at http://www.uclapaa.net/, but I strongly suggest you take advantage of the early bird special if you purchase you tickets before this Saturday, April 15th, when prices will go up! We're expecting over 200 UCLA alumni, a silent auction, and as a special treat, yours truly will be singing the Philippine & American National Anthems! Now if that doesn't make you want to go, I don't know what will.

[END SHAMELESS PLUG]

OK, time for some sleep, dreaming of a time when all I had to worry about was my next midterm...

"I find our brokenness binds us more than perfection"

2006-02-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

A little more than two weeks ago, I was at home in Oakland, enjoying my vacation. Toward the end of my stay, as I was preparing for the long drive back to Los Angeles, my mom gives me the front page section of the Oakland Tribune. "Read it," she said, "it's about Father Rich."

Father Rich is the pastor at the basilica of my high school alma mater, St. Joseph Notre Dame. He also presided over my sister's wedding in October. He's not your run-of-the-mill priest. When most priests will give you all this abstract and philosophical spiel about how Jesus will save us, Father Rich will tell you how living out the Gospel is not so easy in the real world. He'll tell you stories about his own life, how his childhood was tough, how he made mistakes. He'll tell you how the people in the Gospels were also flawed, and how they struggled to carry out God's Word in a world of temptations. It was his style of speaking that always make me feel safe, included, loved.

So as I read the article, I was somewhat surprised, and yet, it didn't shock me in the least. Father Rich was gay.

After my anti-establishment, bleeding-heart liberal self got over the joy of knowing that my high school priest was giving the metaphorical finger to the spiritual leaders of the Catholic Church, I was left with a much more personal and profound truth. In the article, Father Rich also says how, in a homily at his old parish in San Dimas, he also admitted he was an alcoholic. His parishioners gave him a standing ovation. After the Mass, grown men with tears in their eyes embraced him; they were able to empathize and connect their own sins with the sins of the Father. It was in this spirit, in Father Rich's own words, where I found the title of this entry: "I find our brokenness binds us more than perfection."

From my earliest memories to my graduation at UCLA and beyond, I've been obsessed with perfection. I was always scared to do something or try something unless I could be perfect. And I didn't want to be caught with the embarrassments of human fallacy. It was like a constant dialogue was running through my head keeping me in check: "Don't say anything stupid. Stay focused. Be on time. Don't look weak. Be professional. etc." While the dialogue has served me well, it has it's price. Countless times has the running dialogue been quick to point out my own inadequacies, amplifying when I sinned, beating up myself longer than I probably deserved. But on another level, suppressing my own faults has kept me distant from even my closest friends. How can you expect someone to trust you with their problems when you can't even be honest with your own shortcomings?

Maybe it's not the pursuit of perfection that's the problem, but the interpretation of it. For every aspect I thought made you perfect (being punctual, always on task, logical, etc.), there is a consequence (being inflexible, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, etc.). And every aspect I thought was a flaw (being loud, lazy, obnoxious, etc.) has its moments to shine (can move the crowd, stays calm, can agitate). The Principle of Equivalent Trade at work? God's Design? Maybe perfection is not something you strive for; maybe it's something you see.

So I sit today, reading the article over and over again, rediscovering my gifts and my flaws, and re-learning to love it all. One of my flaws is I tend to forget things. So from now on, I should start writing notes to myself. I'll start with this one: "When I get back to the Bay Area, I should start going back to Mass."

Give and Take

2006-01-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, last weekend marked the 3rd weekend in a row I was in Las Vegas. This trip was dedicated to high school friends and catching up on old hobbies. I love seeing old high school friends, knowing that you've been separated for years, but you can still connect with them. Makes you feel like you actually did something right in your life.

So among the hobbies practiced were poker, video games, collectible card games ("Who used to play Magic?!? ::raises hand::), and anime. And which anime was the talk of the town this weekend? Full Metal Alchemist.

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If you have never watched the English subs from the internet or the dubs on Cartoon Network, here's the lowdown. The story revolves around two young brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric. They practice alchemy, or the science of deconstructing and reconstructing matter. The primary law of alchemy is borrowed from physics: to create something, you must give up something of equal value. It's known as the Law of Conservation, or the Principle of Equivalent Trade.

While living in their small town of Rizenbul, their mother tragically passes away. With their father having left them when they were young, the brothers, overcome with grief, decide that they will commit the ultimate sin: they will use alchemy to revive their dead mother.

After reading through all the alchemy books from their father's library and collecting all the ingredients that make the average adult human body, they set their plan in motion. However, their plan goes horribly wrong: Edward loses his arm and his leg, and Alphonse loses his entire body (Edward must bind Alphonse's soul to a suit of armor that was sitting in the laboratory).

Having paid for their sins, Edward and Alphonse go on a quest to find the Philospher's Stone, a device that legends say will allow an alchemist to bypass the Principle of Equivalent Trade. So they leave for their quest, hoping that the Stone will give them back everything they've lost: Edward's limbs, Alphonse's body, and the life of their dead mother.

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Having the pleasure of conversing with my good friend, I realized that I really love Full Metal Alchemist because the journey of the main protagonists does such a wonderful job of illustrating our own struggles and desires to accumulate and profit: our attempts to get more than what we pay for, in spite of the thousands of years of evidence to tell us otherwise. We hope to land that job that pays more with less work, get that good grade with the least amount of studying, find that perfect relationship without even trying. What better place than Las Vegas than to see such attempts in action, where millions come each year hoping to come home with riches for only a few dollars.

Even when we think we do hit it big, the Principle of Equivalent Trade tells us that the price is still paid, even though we may not see it. If someone isn't profiting from what we're paid to do, where does the money come from? If we get that good grade without really trying, what kind of education did we really receive? For every fortune that I won, how many others had to lose? Even if we do find that perfect person and find absolute bliss and joy, all good things must come to an end. And when we do part, whether it's by choice or by force, we pay the price with sadness, pain, and sorrow. The Principle of Equivalent Trade still applies.

So if we believe this law, and that in the end we will never find net gain in whatever we do, why do we continue to live? Why should we even try? I continue to search for the answers...

The Post-Holidays Blues

2006-01-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

Reading through my online journal subscriptions, I found a lot of entries about worry and woe (well, more than usual anyway), so instead of posting a response to every single one of you, I'm putting up an entry.

To just give you the lowdown of what I've been seeing, here's the general feel of the post-New Year's January entry:

"I'm depressed."
"I'm inadequate."
"I'm stressed."
"What am I doing here?"

Well you know what, my depressed friends? You're not as inadequate as you think you are, nor are you alone in your struggle. Give yourself credit: you came off a really crazy, emotional, and wild holiday season. And emotions are like booze. You're probably just hungover.

So take my advice: relax, play some soft music, drink some water, and most importantly, breathe. You're going to be OK. =D

Disgracing An Icon

2006-01-12T00:21:00.000-08:00

Every morning when I come into work, I stop by the 1st Floor Cafe to read the LA Times. Recently, I've been enthralled by a week-long series of brutal and scathing articles blasting Cesar Chavez and the United Farm Workers union, painting a picture of corruption, power plays, intimidation, and hypocrisy in one of the most revered and celebrated progressive organizations in the world.

I, as many other Pilipinos, are torn when it comes to our opinion of the UFW and Cesar Chavez. On the one hand, the UFW is a symbol of one of the most powerful ethnic collaborations in history, a merging of the Pilipino-dominated Agricultural Workers Organizing Committee (AWOC) and the Mexican-dominated National Farm Workers Association (NFWA). At the same time, Pilipinos have good reason to be bitter toward the UFW. As the UFW grew, it became more Mexican-centric, eventually conducting its meetings only in Spanish and marginalizing the importance of Pilipinos during the Grape Strikes (Read the UFW's official history, and you will see what I mean). The last remnants of the Pilipino contingent, including UFW Vice-President Philip Vera Cruz, finally abandoned the union when they saw Chavez commit the ultimate betrayal by accepting an award from Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos.

Whether you agree or disagree, are liberal or conservative, pro- or anti-union, immigrant or American, after reading these articles, you will never look at the progressive movement the same way again.

An Open Letter To The USC Football Team

2006-01-04T22:44:00.000-08:00

Do you remember playing UCLA one month ago? Do you remember going for it on 4th down repeatedly, even after you had proved that you were the better team? Even after you were two, three touchdowns ahead? Even after you had secured your position as the #1 team in the nation? Do you remember fulfilling the carnal desires of your crazy and fanatical home crowd, each of your scores thrusting another knife into the hearts of UCLA fans worldwide? Do you remember, in front of a national audience, doing anything and everything to try and crush, humiliate, and break the Bruin faithful? Do you remember that day?

Well, guess what?

I sure hope you remember today, because YOU JUST GOT KARMA-SLAPPED, BITCH! And just for good measure, I hope you, your children, and your grand- and great-grand-children have nightmares of Vince Young running over your sorry, broken remains of what WAS a college football empire.

At last, balance has returned to the Force.

New Year's Resolution #1: Learn To Forgive

2005-12-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

So, after a nice Christmas break with family in Las Vegas, I left at 4 PM on Monday because of work that started at 6:30 AM the next day. Frustrating enough, I faced nasty traffic going back to Los Angeles, finally getting back to my apartment at 11:30 PM. And what's the first thing my landlady/apartment-mate tells me when I get back?

"Don't make any noise tonight; I need to sleep."

... [forehead-vein starts throbbing] ...

So surely enough, my tired, non-confrontational self goes to bed, my blood reaching a silent boil as profanity-littered run tirades through my head over and over, when I hear my landlady/apartment-mate fiddling in the bathroom. At that point I'm thinking: "Oh hell yeah, you go ahead make that noise, so I can finally deliver one nice, well-placed, and especially irritating complaint about how I NEED SLEEP, how I NEED TO GET TO WORK AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING, how SHE WAS MAKING TOO MUCH DAMN NOISE."

And I didn't do it. I couldn't.

Somewhere inside, I thought that I couldn't do it to her, because she's probably facing some much bigger issues, and if she can't tolerate even the tiniest of noises, then her life must really be Hell. But more importantly, yelling at her just wouldn't be me.

I don't know whether you would call it nice or cowardly, but whatever it was, I still didn't forgive her. I guess that's the difference from being nice, and being passive aggressive.

Investing To Rebuild New Orleans

2005-12-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

While charitable organizations and the media focus on the short-term needs of the people of New Orleans like food & water, the issues concerning the long-term rebuilding and redevelopment of New Orleans go relatively ignored. The work of socially-conscious investors is looking to change this, encouraging investors to put their money in financial organizations dedicated to protecting the interests of the poor, displaced residents of the city.

A must-read article for the social activist and the financial investor in all of us.

Today, I Was Reminded of a Proverb

2005-12-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

"I wept because I had $95 in parking tickets, until I met the man whose suitcase with all his bank account information was stolen."

An apt proverb, indeed.

Back To Vegas

2005-11-24T00:59:00.000-08:00

So last weekend I returned to Las Vegas. I hadn't been back since April. I wasn't exactly clamoring to return, but a friend of mine was celebrating her birthday, and I felt like I needed to get away. So I went to my house, and she brought her crew for the weekend. I honestly didn't know what to expect, especially considering the circumstances the last time I was there.

I don't need to go into all the details, but honest to say, I really had a great time. It was the first time I got to cook for people in months. I caught up with family, getting in on some of the gossip, and looking forward to all the baby showers, weddings, graduations and all the other excuses we had to get together. I played poker for the first time in a while and doubled my money. And we drove back safe, even getting to work on time at 6:30 Monday morning.

But I think what was most important for me was that for the first time, Las Vegas started to actually feel like home. As much as I hate some of the intense indulgence and cruelty of Sin City, and the awkward concoction of sadness, confusion, and uncertainty I feel whenever I glimpse at the Stratosphere, I've become more aware of the personal intimacies of the city. Maybe it's just going around the city a few times more. Maybe it's all the friends I manage to run into when I'm there. Maybe it's the compelling stories of romance and tragedy that have touched my family and the families of my friends. But whatever Las Vegas is, it's certainly more than the Strip and the showgirls.

Tribute To A Champion

2005-11-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

If you don't already know, I'm a pro wrestling fan. I grew up watching the WWF, and even followed it after the transformation into the WWE. I'll admit that lately, and even most times, it's pretty offensive. It's racist, sexist, heterosexist, and exploited every stereotype in the book to sell. But every now and then, there's a moment where storyline, athleticism, and performance come together so exquisitely, where the show moves beyond the confines of sports entertainment, moves beyond all the simple stereotypes, and becomes unforgettable.

That night was February 12th, 2004. I was flipping through the channels, and at the time I really wasn't following wrestling because I was tremendously disappointed in the storylines. But I stumbled across "WWE Smackdown!" and thought that I should do a little catching up. The show was held in Tacoma, Washington. The WWE Champion at the time was Brock Lesnar. Lesnar was the prototypical champion: 6'2", 285 pounds, built like a linebacker, and white. However, because he was playing the heel (or "bad guy"), the writers were promoting him as a racist, and so to make fun of his opponent at the upcoming Pay-Per-View, No Way Out, he brought out a mariachi band, put on a sombrero, and did the "Mexican Hat Dance" to celebrate how he was going to decimate his Mexican opponent.

As the band played, his opponent, Eddie Guerrero, ran down the ramp, chased the band out, and ripped the sombrero off Lesnar's head, incensed at Lesnar's gall. Now, under ordinary circumstances, the writers would have had Eddie say some crap about Lesnar's manhood, test of machismo, blah blah blah. But these were not ordinary circumstances. And Eddie Guerrero was no ordinary wrestler.

This was Eddie Guerrero's first opportunity for the WWE title. He also didn't look like a traditional WWE champion. Born in El Paso Texas, Eddie grew up in a wrestling family and trained as a Mexican luchador, which is more known for it's high-flying acrobatics, unlike the steroid-induced power-lifters that the WWF/WWE traditionally pushed. But more significantly, Guerrero was battling some very real personal demons. He was an alcoholic. He had abused pain-killers. The addictions had destroyed his family life, and more than once had his career. So to climb back to be on the verge of reaching the pinnacle of professional wrestling was more than just some writer's storyline. This was Eddie's life.

So when Eddie took the mic that night for his promo (speech), he transcended his wrestling persona. He admitted his past addictions. He admitted his mistakes. But he swore to God that he won his life back. And he admitted found some new addictions. He found his addiction to his family. He found his addiction to performing in front of his fans. And he had found his addiction to championship gold.

Good promos make you grin. Great promos make you cheer. But Eddie's promo made me do something that none other had done before. Eddie's promo made me cry.

And so with that the stage was set for No Way Out 2004. And on February 14th, 2004, in the Cow Palace in San Francisco, in an emotional, grueling, and breathtaking 30-minute battle, with the help of some "Lyin', Cheatin' and Stealin'" the most unlikely of champions was crowned. Eddie Guerrero was the champion.

What made Guerrero's win even more unbelievable was that the winner was going to defend the title in March on the biggest stage in pro wrestling, Wrestlemania XX, in Madison Square Garden. Guerrero went on to successfully defend the title in the main event against Kurt Angle, a real-life former NCAA national wrestling champion and Gold Medal winner at the Olympic Games in Atlanta. He would also take part in another of wrestling's defining moments that night, when he stood in the middle of the ring and embraced his life-long friend, Chris Benoit, after he defied the odds to win the World Heavyweight Championship.

If you still have no idea what I'm talking about but are still curious as to what could get me this worked up, add a comment request either "Lesnar vs. Guerrero" or "Angle vs. Guerrero" and I'd be more than happy to send those files.

In the meantime, rest in peace, Eddie. I'll miss you. Viva La Raza!

What Are You Doing For Thanksgiving?

2005-11-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

I have no plans, and I can't go home (since I'm working that Friday) so if you are in Southern California have room for another Pilipino for lunch or dinner, please give me a holler!

I Hate Stanford

2005-10-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

I learned to hate Stanford since birth. I grew up a Cal fan. I lived through Cal futility as they lost the Big Game 7 years in a row. I thought I had divorced myself from my Stanford woes by going to UCLA, but I was wrong. They derailed UCLA football on their last run for a national championship in 2001. Stanford haunts my existence. As great as this football season has been, I have always been wary, telling my friends to hold their emotions, "...until the beat Stanford." Then, and only then, would I start believing.

My friends... start believing.

Changing Times

2005-10-23T21:58:00.003-07:00

Is it just me, or God decide to stack my life with with more life-changing experiences in the the last six months than the four years preceding it? Just to review, in the last six months my cousin passed away, I graduated from college, started my first full-time job, my sister gets married (and I get a brother-in-law), and now, my cousin Gab, the closest person to an older brother I ever had, is a dad.

I want to say this is the first time I had ever seen a newborn at the hospital. I'm the youngest of my family, so I never had the privilege to welcome a baby brother or baby sister into the world. Often the first time I'd see a newborn cousin was at the next family party. And if I ever had come to see a newborn in the hospital, I was probably too young to remember.

But this time was different. This was the first time that someone I grew up with had a kid. I remember when Gab's family would visit my family in the Bay Area. It was always exciting when they visited because they were the only cousins who were older that were in the States. The most memorable things Gab introduced me to: spider-fighting and Nintendo. My favorite Gab quote: "my farts smell like cologne."

But as with all of us, we grew up. So it was somethin' to see Sunday afternoon at Cedars-Sinai. I saw Gab there holding his daughter, but it wasn't the same person I knew. He transformed. Maybe that's what happens when you see a first-born. Gab and his wife became parents. When my cousins first saw their niece, they became aunties. My aunt & uncle: they became grandparents. And I changed too. I saw my future. And knowing how quickly Gab changed in the last few years, it's a future that feels like it's fast coming.

Maybe that's what the last six months are supposed to teach me. That life happens. And it waits for no one. And it wasn't until I got my head out of my textbooks and actually looked up to realize how fast it changes. And the realization has left me humbled and dizzy, wondering where this life will lead me, and praying that I'm aware enough not to miss it.

So I leave this message for Gab. Congratulations, man. First a husband, now a father. Both those roles suit you well. I've followed you since we were little, and my path diverged from yours as we tried to find ourselves, I find myself looking back to your example for guidance. You've become quite the man, and for that I give the utmost admiration and respect. I wish you and Jill well on this next phase of your lives...

...hopefully, with better smelling cologne.

Cracked

2005-10-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

It encapsulates how I feel in so many ways:

It describes how I'm feeling after a crazy weekend of flying, singing, seeing family, moving, unpacking, and starting my new shift at 6:30 in the morning. Somewhere in the middle of all that I forgot out of my health, and now I sit here writing with a runny nose, a slight temperature, and a mentality one could only describe as "cracked" out.
It describes the state of my perception of family. Allow me to explain...

This weekend saw the coming together of two incredibly beautiful people: my sister and her now-husband. Needless to say, the whole weekend was amazing, from the beautiful and unique wedding ceremony at my alma mater, to the wedding reception that included one of the coolest kali demonstrations I've ever seen (really, imagine going into mortal combat facing this woman!), to finally having the opportunity to sing to my family after 5 years of training from the UCLA music department. There are too many wonderful things to describe about this weekend; I'll just leave it to my dedicated readers to follow the links to learn more.

Anyway, whenever I would describe the wedding to my friends in LA, I kept making a mistake. I kept referring to the groom as my sister's fiance. But he's not anymore. He's my brother-in-law. I've never had a brother of any kind before. And that's what's cracked.

For my entire life, when someone's asked me about my family, I've always defined it as my parents, my two sisters, and a boatload of aunts, uncles, and cousins. That's the way it's been for years. And in one sense, nothing's changed. My sister will still bring the same guy to the family parties, they'll act pretty much the same as always, and our relationships will grow the same as they always have.

But in my family, marriage isn't just about committing yourself to that one person alone. In this family, marriage is a commitment to the ENTIRE FAMILY. To get married into this family, you MUST love the family, and the family must love you. Thus, the groom isn't just my sister's boyfriend anymore, nor my sister's fiance, nor my sister's husband. He's not just my sister's. He's MY brother-in-law. He's my parents' son. He's one of the cousins. He's pledged his life to my family, including me, and that's left me, well, cracked.

It's difficult to explain. I guess I'm used to the mentality that you have to constantly prove yourself to others in order to have a relationship with them. But with this marriage, no one needs to prove anything; love is just given and received. The more I think about it, the more I'm moved, and I wonder how many opportunities I've wasted to just give love, or have agonized over my own worth to receive it. It leaves me bewildered, and in a confusing, emotional brew of regret, hope, uncertainty, joy, and confusion. In one word, cracked.
Related to the wedding, I don't think I've had as great a time with family as I did this weekend. I caught up with the sisters and their significant others. And while our reunion was joyous, it left me a little sad, for in our discussions, I realized how much I was missed at home. They would tell me about their adventures with the family, and as we'd laugh, they'd say "we wished you were there".

It made for a difficult flight back to Los Angeles, wondering what I was missing in the Bay Area. And yet, for all the family moments I missed, there was so much I gained in LA. At UCLA, I learned how to emcee and work as large a crowd as my family. At UCLA, I learned to build community through enthusiasm and energy. At UCLA, I learned how to act and sing with skill, precision, and passion. For every moment I was gone, I was learning something new that I brought back home. Now that I've graduated, I have to ask myself what exactly do I bring home now, so that my absence isn't in vein. I'm confident that I'm doing what's best in staying in Los Angeles, but knowing what I'm missing at home is a blessing and a burden.

When in confusing times like these, I turn to my improv training. Improv Rule #1: Always commit. I might be a little dazed and confused in LA, but you know what, I'm here for at least another nine months, so I better learn as much as I can down here. I'll need to if we're going to top the experience we had last weekend.

So after all this writing, I've learned one thing. It's not so bad to be cracked. So here's to being cracked. You can't break out of your shell any other way.

Moving Sale!!!!

2005-10-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, I have two tables in excellent condition for sale. They need to be gone by THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6TH! I have a very nice computer table for sale ($50) and a semi-long coffee table ($10), $55 for both, and at your request, you can have a cute little IKEA side table absolutely free!

Please email me at rundmb[at]gmail[dot]com if you are interested.

Hurry, supplies are limited.

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

2005-09-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

There's a saying that you take after your parents. Every day, I'm finding more truth to that statement. As I was packing my things to move to my new place, I realized that I picked up their habit to save every damn thing that comes in my path.

I noticed from a very early age that my parents were really good at saving stuff. I used to think it was normal, until I'd go to other people's houses and realize that they really don't have as much stuff saved as we do. My mom would have all sorts of things saved. Some stuff had sentimental value (like pictures, trinkets from weddings and baptisms), some had utilitarian value (like scrap pieces of wrapping paper, the plastic Christmas tree we assembled every year or the plastic and paper bags from the grocery store), and the rest would get into a Balikbayan box and sent to the Philippines (spam, candy, and lots and lots of clothes). As for my Dad, the accountant in him surrounded himself with books on tax code, records, paper, pens, and lots of spare change. I grew up with the mentality that if you're going to get something, you better use it to the fullest, or you are letting it go to waste. It was in those moving boxes that I found shades of my parents. I found a box of old pictures, some old presents from Kris Kringles past, old textbooks and training worksheets, toys, certificates of merit, and of course, old bags from the grocery store.

I was happy that I kept my parents' efficient utilitarian spirit, except for the fact that the mental upkeep is emotionally inefficient. It physically and emotionally would have been so much easier to throw so much of the stuff away, but then the voice inside me asks: are you sure you want to do that? If you throw away those CDs, what if you want to listen to them again? If you throw away those books, will you remember what you learned from them? If you throw away those bags, where will you put your garbage? If you throw away those little trinkets, will you forget the events that they represented?

It's strange; I'm at a point where it's even easier for me to let go of people than my things. I guess when you are forced to let go of people who are dearest to you, like a beloved grandfather, grandmother, or cousin, you learn that their death doesn't mean that they're gone, or that you'll ever forget. Maybe it's all a big lie, but if it is, then there's no better lie that has helped me cope with life. It's helped me say goodbye to good friends, knowing that not even death, let alone a few years or a few thousand miles, could break us apart. I sometimes have even come to look forward to saying goodbye, thinking about all the opportunities that await the both of us, and how our influence will multiply from our separation.

But with things, they are dead until you give them life. That was my gift to them, to keep those things until I could give them life. In turn, those things gave me security. I found security in the idea that if I keep these things around me, then I will never be desperate for anything. I would never need paper for printing. I would always know about computers because I had textbooks. I would always know about community organizing because I have my training manuals. I would always know about the Asian American community because I had my readers. I would never forget my friends, because I have all these things around to remind me of them.

But being surrounded by all these things that bring up so many emotions and memories suck up so much energy that I find that it's harder to absorb new ideas or new memories. I'm surrounded by my perfect world in inanimate things, that I can live inside my memories, even if it's all really a dream.

A while ago, my sister wrote pieces about letting go of things to find balance and the nature of moving. With a new job, a new place, and a new life, letting go is probably the best thing I can do right now. But it's so hard to do.

The Silent Pandemic

2005-09-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

You probably noticed (or didn't notice), but I haven't been updating in my online journals. Basically, there hasn't really been much to journal about. I'm working my regular 9-5 job, go home every night, have my dinner, check my emails, and go to bed. I don't really have any worries; I pay the rent, got food in my stomach, clothes on my back. Life is managable. And yet, in all it's livability, the boredom, like an odorless build-up of carbon monoxide, might just be killing me softly.

Don't get me wrong; I'm learning about a lot of useful things. Like how to manage my money. Or how to plan for the future. And how to financially prepare for a family. But with all this planning for the future, reading about adventures in a another country and the struggles of a first-year school teacher make me long for the time when I used to be passionate about TODAY. Doesn't mean that I don't like my job, nor that I don't want to do well, but singing in Royce Hall, rehearsing for a play, planning for a retreat with your friends; THOSE passions that make life worth living make taking calls for 8 hours look like, well, a job.

Now, I know that there are worse things in the world, and there are poor, starving people in the world who would give anything to for all the blessings I have. But the mundane makes you take those blessings for granted. Really, the mundane is a disease. And when untreated, the mundane pushes the psyche to find more extreme ways to become aroused, no matter how disturbing it might be. And after watching CNN's coverage of the hurricanes, the war, the potential disaster that would have been called JetBlue 292, I've come to believe that well-to-do America might just be the most mundane place on the face of the Earth.

I took the regular 9-5 job to finance my life. But routine washed away the things I had come to love. I now struggle to rebuild that life to its former glory.

The One Thing Left Out of 24/7 News Coverage? The Truth.

2005-09-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

For those who are horrified by the lootings, murders, and rapes in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, you should consider that the media is probably lying to you.

What? Rumors out of people's asses becoming fact? It's high school all over again.

What I'm Really Looking Forward To

2005-08-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

I realized my last entry felt pretty stale, so to make up for it, here are two things that I'm REALLY looking forward to:

1) The release of Kanye West's new album, Late Registration (Releasing August 30th)

2) The release of We Love Katamari, the sequel to the greatest game ever created (Releasing September 7th)

Time... Want Some?

2005-08-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

So I haven't had internet in my apartment for the past few weeks now, so I haven't had a chance to make a significant update in a while. But really, other than two friends' birthday parties and the last two weeks of training at work, nothing's really happened.

And how's work? Well... work's... work. Co-workers are fun. I'm learning a lot. But really... it doesn't feel like that big a deal. Which was what I wanted, right? Get your 9-hour shift, a lunch and two breaks in between, don't really think too hard, do your job and go home. Got decent pay, with benefits and a retirement plan. And no real drama. Yay.

I guess the bigger struggle is what to do when I get home. I've never been a guy who just wants to go out, especially now since I'm trying to save up some $. I never really know what to do, and when I'm around folks and they ask how my life's going, well... I tell them that paragraph above. And, well... that's it.

So I guess things feel like a standstill right now. Nothing too amazing, but nothing too lousy. Just a lazy median. I think the only moderate amount of excitement I get is when planning for some events we have for the Pilipino Alumni Association. You could say all that planning gets me back to my roots. I guess I'd forgot about how many people you connect with when you're involved in an org and you're planning events and coordinating with other people. Life's cool right now, but I do miss college right now.

Anyway, if y'all have any plans, email me, call me, mail me, yell out my name. I'm free!

He's leavin'... on a JET plane...

2005-08-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

I've been so blessed having befriended so many great people at UCLA, and Chuck Del Rosario is a guy who belongs near the top of that list. Funny, charming, anime aficionado, SportsCenter buddy, an awesome roommate and just all-around great guy, Chuck, the man who introduced beach Sumo wrestling to my family, will be leaving for Japan on Tuesday to work in the JET programme. He'll be gone for at least a year, maybe more. We celebrated like crazy the last two days, signaling the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. Between graduating, folks going off to grad school, my new job, and friends going thousands of miles away, life's decided to slam the accelerator and not let up.

You're gonna have a blast in Japan, Chuck. I wish you nothing but the best!

PS A shoutout to Trinh, who reminded me how great John Denver is.

For the Beautiful Women in My Life...

2005-08-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

... who make the mistake of not believing in their own beauty. Enjoy, and celebrate the beauty that is you.

Wanting a Wonderful Life (or Searching for George Bailey)

2005-07-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was such a grueling, amazing, shocking, and intriguing day. I'm in full job-search mode now, and Tuesday I visited two completely different worlds. One was the world of the non-profit. The other was the world of the corporation. And I felt pressures on both ends of the spectrum, and in the end I found myself hoping to find a third, middle-ground.

Facing the People

So on Tuesday afternoon, I went to two non-profits. First, I visited one of my alumni friends working at a labor union. I never met up with him, but fortunately I ran into an old classmate who I hadn't seen in years. She was really helpful, especially since she was only three years ahead of me in the game and gave me some fresh experience.

Now I had a few friends work for the labor movement, and from what I understand, it's extremely emotional. The organizers go through really great highs, and rock bottom lows. The people I know who end up staying in the movement tend to be very intense people who can withstand the emotional roller coaster. My friend was no exception.

She told me that she was on a high that day because she didn't have to go out to the street, organizing workers. Organizing on the street requires a lot of dedication, resilience, and patience. Apparently, the organizers take a lot of crap. They knock on workers' doors and get shut out, fearing to lose their job by being associated with the union. Other workers are frustrated that the union isn't doing enough, and the organizers take the brunt of their ire.

It may sound to you that the workers are real bastards, but consider that this job is life or death to them. The workers take a lot of crap themselves: low wages, long hours, no benefits, bad working conditions, etc. Considering their position, you'd think that they'd welcome the union with open arms, but joining the union sometimes requires that they put their jobs, their lives, on the line. As an organizer, you are forced to confront the realities of people who've had it really hard, and you have to face their fears head on.

After about an hour at the labor offices, and stopping by another non-profit, Search to Involve Pilipino Americans, and getting more career guidance from the Director, my friend Joel Jacinto, I buttoned up my shirt, put on my tie, and left for Downtown LA where I had a date with the skyscraper.

Facing the Numbers

I gave myself an hour to drive three miles in Downtown LA. Good thing to; after the traffic and navigating the maze that would require an engineering degree to navigate, I entered the parking structure, neglecting to see the rate because I only had 15 minutes left to get there (by the way, the answer to my previous entry was ‘a’), I parked, went up the elevator, and checked in with security before going up.

When the time came, they gave us our badges and sent us up to the 43rd floor. We walked into what looked like a classroom, except instead of looking out the window at a street, you saw half of Los Angeles. There were two proctors, suits and all, and they gave us a low-down of what we were actually doing there. They showed a video from their PR department, accentuating all the smiling faces and how Wells Fargo is a dynamic place to work blah blah blah, and we proceeded to take the test.

The test reminded me a lot of SAT. Multiple choice. Standard format. Half logic problems, half math problems. But one intriguing aspect was the content of the questions. Example: “Company X donates $600,000 to charity last year. The board of directors votes to cut their charity donations this year by 20% to increase cash dividends to their stockholders. How much did Company X donate this year?”

Before answering the question, my first instinct was think: “Fuck you, Company X! You’re probably profiting by the millions; you fucking owe the public for your wealth, you rich assholes!” I then answered the question.

We finished taking the test around 9:30 PM, and the proctors left the room to grade them. They asked us to wait a while longer to get the results. While we were waiting, I conversed with a few of my cohorts who were taking the test. I was surprised with how far people came to take this test: Michigan, Texas, Connecticut. The woman who sat next to me commuted two hours on buses from Alhambra to get there. They also had diverse backgrounds: some were recent grads like me, a few had some banking experience, some had been in sales, two, specifically, were escaping the sinking ship that is the music industry. One in particular was a big fan of scuba diving and regulars a scuba shop just a few minutes from my place. I’m thinking of taking it up, when I can generate income, that is.

Twenty minutes later, the proctors came back and called out the names of the people who passed. Out of 30 or so in the room, they called out 10, mine being one of them (of course I had to pass, I’m an engineer, damnit!). They asked everyone else to leave while we stayed to go over logistics for the next phase.

They then went and quasi-interviewed each of us. “Where are you from?” “Why do you want to work here?” “Give me an example of when you had to make a sale under pressure.” That’s when things started to feel a little weird. It was kind of like everyone transformed into these caricatures from reality television. And I took my role too: Hotshot college graduate who wants to climb to the top. It was a fun role to play, in a weird, out-of-body experience kinda way.

When all was said and done, it was 10:30, and we were all brain-dead. I took the elevator down, learned that my car was being taken hostage (must be because I’m a Washington Mutual Customer), went out to the ATM to pick up the cash, and drove back home.

"Where Are You, Mr. Bailey?”

While driving back, I reflected on the day, and distinctly remember feeling pressure in both settings, but for different reasons. While at the union, I felt the pressure to confront the realities of the people. While at the corporation, I was pressured to turn the other way, to instead focus on the numbers and achievement. But in both cases, I found myself getting consumed and torn away from what was most important to me, family.

Yes, and the irony does not escape me; the idea that family is the most important thing to a man who consciously moved AWAY from home to find a career. But I find that being away from home takes away a lot of distractions, and lets me focus on what I really want. And I know it seems a little early to take about providing for a family and parenting, but I also know that careers have a way of transforming you. And they can transform you two different ways: it can affirm you, or it can consume you.

Maybe I was just ignorant, but in both those extremes, I felt like part of me was being consumed. Like taking that road would take me further away from being the father I want to be to my kids. I’m usually really articulate, but right now, I can’t quite articulate what that ideal is. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, and I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. Continuing to drive, I continued to ponder my possibilities, when the strangest thing popped into my head. I thought about George Bailey.

George Bailey is the main character from the Christmas classic, "It's A Wonderful Life". It’s one of my favorite movies of all-time. I have the DVD, and even in the scorching temperatures of July, I'll pop in this Christmas tale of a man who realizes the impact one person can make on the world. Jimmy Stewart is one of my all-time favorite actors, and his portrayal of George Bailey immortalized him as the all-American good guy: works hard, big dreams, always there for his friends & family, occasionally stumbles & falls, but always rises to the occasion. I’ve always looked characters in movies and television to find admirable traits to emulate, but there is no character, except maybe one, that has had as deep and meaningful impact on my life as George Bailey (the other being Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation).

I guess he came up because when I look at an ideal of what I want, I look at him. He has a beautiful wife and family. He has a job that fulfills a real need in the community, helping the working class own homes of their own. It pays decent and provides for his family. And he gets enormous respect from all who know him.

But at the same time, there was one part of his life that I absolutely wanted to avoid: he hated his job. His love for the community always seemed to be at ends with his own ability to provide for his family. At his lowest, his job had consumed him, and put him at the brink of suicide. It had separated him from his ideals of family and community, and left him at the point of desperation.

I have to believe that you can have it all. A healthy and loving family, a career that falls in line both with my skills and my ideals, and the respect from everyone around me. Or is it just my college ideals talking? Am I just asking for too much?

I just hope Heaven reads online journals, because I could use a guardian angel, 2nd class right now.

For a Job Selection at Wells Fargo, I Had To Take a Test

2005-07-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a sample question. See if YOU can get it right.

For each premise, give one of the letters for the conclusion, according to the following key:

a. necessarily true
b. probably, but not necessarily, true
c. inconclusive, it cannot be determined
d. probably, but not necessarily, false
e. necessarily false

Premise: Randy yells profanity at the top of his lungs when he pays more than $20 for parking. Randy parks at the Wells Fargo Center at 7 PM and leaves at 10:30 PM.

Conclusion: If the rate of parking at the Wells Fargo Center is $5 for every 12 minutes, Randy yells profanity at the top of his lungs.

Temporary Madness

2005-07-23T05:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just gotten up in the middle of the night and felt like you were losing your mind? I kinda had one of those moments just now. I'm thinking that's what happens when you haven't had an in-person conversation with anyone for the past four days.

Returning to the Bay, Part I: The Graduation Party

2005-07-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Los Angeles, not having updated in a week, but certainly not because the week wasn't eventful. This past week was probably one of the most memorable trips back home, and reminded me why I'm so fond of the Bay Area, and why I'd want to move back and raise a family there.

As easy as it would to do a simple blow-by-blow, laundry list of all the wonderful things I did, I won't. No offense to those that do, but I don't get too thrilled reading "what-I-did-this-week" entries. Instead, I'll try to focus more on a single event, person, or emotion. After all, that's what's important, right?

So to begin this series, I'll start with the event that brought me back home in the first place: the graduation party. Another take on the party can be read on my sister's blog.

There are only a few, signature events that motivate all the different people who have affected your life together, past and present. Really, there are only three: graduations, weddings, and funerals. For girls, there's also the coming-of-age birthday (Debut, Quincenera...). Sadly, my breasts weren't big enough to warrant a Debut. Instead, I got a car for my 17th. Nice consolation prize.

Anyway, I didn't really think about how big this shindig would be until, Friday night, just as I got home from the long drive up, and stepped into the kitchen. It was clear; my mom had been saving up for this.

For those who know me, I'm a pescatarian (a vegetarian who also eats fish), but it was clear that for a week, that philosophy was going to go on hold. It really was a sight to see. Marinated chicken, tri-tip steaks, Alaskan salmon, shrimp, pork, noodles, rice; it was quite a sight. I could go on and on about the food, but my sister describes the cooking situation well. All I need to add is that the day before, we had to call two of my cousins, two aunts, an uncle, and my granduncle and grandaunt to help with the food preparation.

Now if I were running the show, I probably would've been lazy and just had the whole thing catered. But my parents are far wiser and harder-working than me, thank God, and went the longer, harder route. Thing is, they're used to it. Whenever some big event comes around, my parents enter this new gear and just go wild. Christmas parties and my sisters' graduation parties come to mind. They break out the food trays, the cooler, the folding chairs, the canopies, and they cook, grill, stew, barbecue, steam, set up, and clean for a good 48 hours. I think it's insane, but I think they love it. I think it's part of the reason why they're so successful; when it comes to their friends, they put their best face forward, and they do the grunt work to back it up. I sit in awe just thinking about them.

The day itself went really well. It started at 1. By 2:30, the house was filled to capacity. Aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins and their families, my mom's officemates, my dad's officemates, my UCLA friends from LA, even my high school English teacher and three of her grandkids from Montana were there! They were cute; they got me this cute present, a little sheriff's set w/badge & six-shooter, but they said I could only have it if I could create a scene, using the present as props. Looks like that LCC training came in handy. Only folks who weren't represented were my high school friends, but a lot of them either had work or were out of town. It sucked, but then again, I don't know where we could've put them, so it probably worked out for the best.

By 5:30, most of the guests were gone, but my UCLA friends were still around. We avoided the commotion downstairs by relaxing in my room, and I got to divulge more about my past. They ended up browsing through my old yearbooks. Now, THAT was interesting. They were reading all the old messages there, trying to decipher the me before they knew me. They would giggle with glee whenever they read one that suggested that I might have been "dishin' some game"! Ha ha, I swear, I thought I had absolutely NO game in high school. Thought I was too nerdy, too intellectual, and too busy to go steady with anyone. By the time I got to UCLA, I eliminated the first two excuses, but the third stuck pretty well until I graduated. Now the excuse has evolved from "too busy" to "not busy enough"! Ha ha, oh Randy... But really, it was really cool to see all of them that day. James, John, Zara, Lara, Richard, Jonathan, I'd be hard-pressed to find better friends than y'all!

By the time the UCLA crew left to make their trek back down, one family had remained: my father's cousin's family, and they were conversing with my sister and her fiance. They talked about everything: marriage, messed up stuff they did when they were kids, embarrassing their OWN kids, college, etc. I hadn't seen them in years, but they were as happy and engaging as ever. Only further proof that good relationships don't die over time, and that the right people will always be there when you need them.

By midnight, it was only my parents and I who were up, and I asked if I could help put away any of the dishes, but my mom said that I couldn't until she put the leftovers away. They insisted I go to bed and rest, since I was still recovering from a cold the week before. And so I did, which concluded one of the best weekends of my life.

You Know When You're in the Bay Area When...

2005-07-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

...you pass by the local gas station: "Regular - $2.61"

I missed you, Oakland!

Analysis of a Tragedy

2005-07-08T05:56:00.000-07:00

Procrastinating from packing my things for the afternoon's long drive home, I was doing my usual web-browsing, reading about the tragic terrorist attacks in London. As Americans, I'm sure many of us could not help but reflect back on that day almost four years ago, now infamously referred to as 9/11, the day that catapulted our nation into a state of unending war on the nameless, faceless enemy only known terror. I was encouraged to look back on that day, to reflect on what exactly happened that morning, and how the crashing of four planes (UA 175, UA 93, AA 11, and AA 77) and the destruction of four buildings (WTC-1, WTC-2, WTC-4, and the Pentagon) would inspire almost every major policy decision worldwide for the next four years.

So I started reading some articles, starting with my bread and butter alternative news sites, commondreams.org and alternet.org. To make a long story short, I inevitably ran into some conspiracy theories about 9/11. Now I had read some of these theories before. The most compelling I've read concerns major questions about the Pentagon crash site. Although I find this theory tends to stand up because there is no circulating video evidence of the Pentagon crash, theories about the collapsing towers seem far-fetched, especially since many of us witnessed dozens of videos documenting the collapse. As a UCLA graduate who finds great value in logic, I find most conspiracy theory bogus and stupid. As a bored, unemployed slacker whose wasting time websurfing, conspiracy theory sounds quite entertaining. So I took a leap of faith and started reading. And frighteningly enough, I found one conspiracy theory so well-articulated, in this compelling essay by Morgan Reynolds, I might just be convinced that a 9/11 conspiracy might just be true.

For folks who don't have the time to read thorough his article, let me summarize his main arguments. #1 He debunks the common-held beliefs concerning the collapse of the WTC towers, primarily these two:

1. As stated earlier, common belief holds that the WTC towers collapsed due to the compromised structural integrity of the towers after the crashes of the 767s. If this were the case, the fires would have had to reach at least 1,300°F. However, never in the history of the world (before or since) has a steel-framed skyscraper collapsed due to structural compromise from a fire. The benchmark case Reynolds cites is the 1991 Meridian Plaza fire in Philadelphia, which raged for 19 hours and did not collapse. Both WTC fires lasted less than an hour, and spewed black smoke, implying that the fires were dying and not growing. (A more recent example is the case of the Windsor Building fire in Madrid this past February, which essentially consumed the entire top-half of the building, and yet the steel skeleton remained in tact). The only other factor, then, were the initial explosions caused by the crashes themselves, and yet images of the towers after the crash show little vertical displacement in the support columns (i.e. they did not bend), suggesting that there was not "severe" damage to the towers' structural integrity. This argument holds greater weight for WTC-7, which collapsed later that afternoon, since no significant plane debris hit WTC-7.

1A. Reynolds later argues that if fires set by jumbo jet explosions could melt the support structures of the WTC towers, why wouldn’t demolition companies use similar-sized fires in their own demolition work, which would be far more cost efficient than the current methods they use to implode buildings? Either fires did not cause the collapse of the WTC towers, or the terrorists carried technology that demolitions companies had not yet discovered.

2. Common belief also holds that the floors "pancaked" on each other (i.e. the weight of the building created an impact that caused the floor below to collapse, which caused the next floor to collapse, and so forth). However, experts generally agree that the towers collapsed at free-fall speed (as evidenced in most videos documenting the collapses). However, if the towers collapsed in free-fall, then the idea of "pancaked" floors is highly unlikely, since the impact of each floor would slow the speed of the collapse.

3. Reynolds also argues that although the claim is that two 767s hit the towers, the holes are too small for a 767 by as much as 40 feet. Normally, plane crashes make a crater three times the size of the plane itself. This suggests that the amateur video of the planes crashing into the WTC towers was doctored. (This seems like stretch to me, but look at the initial images of the North Tower and South Tower and judge for yourself).

Instead, Reynolds argues that this evidence suggests that the collapse of the WTC towers was NOT caused by the plane crashes, but by DEMOLITIONS. Along with the previous examples, Reynolds cites other evidence that suggests demolitions caused the towers’ collapse:

Virtually all the concrete, approximately 100,000 tons in each tower, was pulverized into dust, which would require far more energy than the energy created by the towers merely collapsing due to gravity
Steel beams and columns fell in sections less than 30 feet long and showed no signs of "softening"
Each collapse had detectable seismic vibrations that suggest underground explosions
Hot spots of molten steel at temperatures of 1,350°F persisted days after the towers collapsed, an aspect which characterizes building demolitions
Photos and video of the collapses show "demolition waves", or blast sequences. You can see evidence of this in these videos showing the collapse of the South Tower and North Tower.
On September 8-9, 2001, three days before 9/11, a "power down" condition was declared to install a "cabling upgrade", which would allow terrorists with experience in demolitions to plant explosives in the WTC towers without being recorded by security cameras. (cited on page 45 in the case Rodriguez V Bush
Lastly, one plausible explanation for the collapse of WTC-7 is that it was used as a staging area of the demolitions. It would be the ideal, since it would provide a direct view of the towers, it would been evacuated, which would allow the terrorists to go about their work undisturbed, had its own air and power supplies, was bullet and bomb resistant, and could withstand winds of up to 160 miles per hour, winds that could be created by the collapse of two skyscrapers.

Now, despite all I’ve read and written, I’m still taking in all this information with a grain of salt. However, in this day in age where voter fraud, diminishing civil liberties, condemning memos, and perpetual fear run rampant, where sheepish politicians and a feckless media feed us lies at every turn, it wouldn’t surprise me if, in this world looking more and more like Eurasia in the pages of George Orwell’s "1984", the hodge-podge, raw, design-impaired, renegade websites, spouting off conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, were the only places where I might just find the truth.

I Am 23, Going On 24.

2005-07-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update, after a grueling week of Anime Expo, watching some awesome street fireworks, getting sick, and singing in a concert in Walt Disney Concert Hall, I'm ready to pack my things and head for the Bay for a nice, long week. I'll be sure to post pictures of the important stuff.

Oh, and today I turned 23. For everyone who remembered and sent your best wishes, and for all those who would have sent your best wishes had you remembered, I offer my humble thanks.

Details on My Birthday Concert

2005-06-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I told you about a concert that will be performing on my birthday. Well, here are the juicy details:

Koreatown Youth & Community Center's 30th Anniversary Benefit Concert
Walt Disney Concert Hall, Downtown Los Angeles
July 7th, 8 PM
Tickets range from $20-$100

I will be performing in the final act of the program, as part of the chorus in Beethoven's final movement of his 9th Symphony, Ode to Joy.
All proceeds go the Koreantown Youth & Community Center which "works to improve the quality of life for recently immigrated, economically and socially disadvantaged children, youth and families in Koreatown."

Ticket information can be found at http://www.kyccla.org/concert/.

Free Concert! On Your Computer!

2005-06-27T04:19:00.000-07:00

As promised, music from my Verdi's Requiem concert at Royce Hall is here for your enjoyment (So all you LCCers who were wondering what the hell I was doing the night of the banquet, wonder no more). But before you download, a little background information to help you understand and enjoy this piece.

A Requiem is a Catholic funeral mass. Giuseppe Verdi composed this particular version of the Requiem as a memorial to two of his good friends who had passed, composer Gioacchino Rossini and writer Alessandro Manzoni. At the time Verdi composed his Requiem, the Church taught that death was something to be feared, and that if one was not morally perfect, you were going to Hell. Verdi composed with this fear fresh in his mind, wondering whether his friends were saved, and whether he himself would be saved upon his own death.

This piece is the final movement of the Requiem, titled "Libera Me" or "Deliver Me". Here is the original latin text, with its translation.

Dies irae, dies illa, calamitatis et misariae, dies magna et amara valde.: The day of anger, that day,
of calamity, of misery,
an exceedingly great and bitter day.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine et lux perpetua luceat eis.: Eternal rest grant them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
Libera me, Domine, de morte aeterna, in die illa tremenda, quando coeli movendi sunt et terra. Dum veneris judicare saeculum per ignem.: Deliver me, O Lord, from everlasting death,
on that dreadful day, when the heavens and the earth shall be moved.
When thou shalt come to judge the world by fire.

The soprano solo is performed by Erin Wood, the four-part chorus is performed by both the UCLA Chorale and the Angeles Chorale, and the instrumentals are performed by the American Youth Symphony.

Now that you have been properly prepped, click on this link and enjoy!

A Toast!

2005-06-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

So the graduations are over, and I sit in my apartment, on a recently vacuumed carpet, contemplating the rest of my days. I've really been blessed spending five, magical years at UCLA, and there are no amount of words that can express my gratitude to all the people who made it possible. There are so many wonderful and beautiful people I've encountered in so many settings, from Samahang, to UCLA Chorale, to my engineering classes, to Asian Pacific Coalition, to the dorms, you all have really meant so much to me, and all I can say is a humble thank you.

A lot of people have expressed a touch of sadness about how everyone is going away; I guess from my experience I've never made a big deal about goodbyes. I used to. I remember I'd get depressed after the big family Christmas parties. I cried when I said goodbye to my cousins that I got to know in the Philippines in December of '96. But since then I've come to learn that after every goodbye, you never really know how long you'll be separated. After the Christmas parties, there was always a birthday or debut where the family would get back together again. And six months after the Philippines trip, the cousins with whom I made my tearful goodbye came to America to stay permanently.

And the goodbyes that seemed in passing, saying good night to my Grandfather in February '96, telling Michael Glenn that I'd see him later after Christmas '04 in Vegas, watching Cindy Rabuy walk down the stairs to Lot 4 in April '04, passing Steven as he tabled in Bruinwalk, would be the last time I'd ever speak with them again. And even then, the spirit of those wonderful people was so powerful, I never had to worry about losing them; they were at my side all along.

And so goes the Class of 2005. I carry your talent, your warmth, and your love wherever I go, knowing that I never stand alone, and that I am a product of all the encounters of all the people who have blessed my life. So think of it not as a goodbye. Think of it as an expansion, and a step toward immortality.

Cheers!

What Happened to the Music?

2005-06-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

Nothing. It's just that as much as I love the automatic player, it was a real pain having to download all 6 songs every friggin' time I loaded the page. So I've replaced all the players with links to the music. Hopefully the extra mouse click does not deter you from enjoying the music.

If The Music Is Not Loading....

2005-06-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

...click on this link that will take you to my livejournal. Those entries will take you to links where you can download the music. Any player that can play mp3s, like iTunes, Windows Media Player, or Winamp will work just fine.

Nick Tang Saves the Day Again!

2005-06-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Totally going out of his way, Nick Tang helps me out yet again! He volunteered to host a track! Mad thanks! (Editors note: Since then, I've found a free hosting site, so I've updated the links as well as posted several tracks so you can get the entire movement. Nevertheless, Mr. Tang was quite instrumental in getting the music online for your enjoyment! ) All these tracks are from UCLA Chorale's Elijah concert from last year where I sang as a tenor. Tracks from this year's Verdi's Requiem concert will be posted momentarily.

Context: Israel is suffering through a drought. Summer has passed, and yet there is no rain. The people are suffering from famine and thirst.

Along comes our hero Elijah. He discovers the problem... the people have stopped believing in God! ::gasp:: So now our hero goes to set things right. He will present himself to Ahab and confront these sinners.

So Elijah proposes a whose-god-is-better contest. Slaughter a bullock [poor bullock... :(] and place it on the alter as an offering. They'll both offer the bullock to their respective gods, and whichever god responds by consuming the offering by fire wins. And being the good sport he is, Elijah lets the pagans go first.

The pagans fail, and Elijah, being the good sport he is, taunts them.

The pagans attempt to call Baal yet again.

They fail yet a second and third time. Now it's Elijah's turn. And guess what? God responds and burns that bullock up like, well, a God. So Elijah wins, and being the good sport he is, tells the people to do to the pagans as they would do to any graciously defeated foe. Kill them.

Special note: The role of Ahab is played by Steven Kronauer and Elijah is played by In Joon Jang, a 6'0" plus Korean with with a Metropolitan Opera Grand Final Audition Winner Award under his belt and an orgasmic (you read that right... orgasmic) Baritone voice.

My Favorite Elijah Track

2005-06-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

Now that I've found a free hosting service, I can post more tracks! Yay! My favorite track from Elijah is a three-part female vocal piece toward the beginning of the second half. Elijah has saved the day and got everyone believing in God again, but now he's tired and wants to die. ::tear:: So he is told to listen to the angels and is told to "Lift Thine Eyes." Absolutely magical.

Free Music If You Call Now!

2005-06-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

Since I have had the crappiest time looking for sites that can host mp3s, it looks like I won't be able to post music to my online journals. If you really want to hear a sample of Elijah or Requiem, comment me and I'll try to send you my favorite tracks (with written commentary, of course).

The Dark Side

2005-06-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

So the Requiem concert is now history. And what a concert it was! (Props go to John, Gerard, Vince, Kris, Jess, & Joey for showin' up! Hope you all had a great time)! Definitely one of the most memorable experience of my college career. When the CD comes in, I'll try to convert one of the tracks to mp3 and post it up for your enjoyment. Having said that, this was probably the most difficult performance I have ever gave in my life. And this is coming from a guy who has performed in dozens of concerts, plays, and musicals, including several lead and heavily emotional roles. Definitely the most difficult.

What made this performance more difficult than any other was not the singing; that was the easy part. The hardest part was the sitting and waiting for your cue to come in. Because of the intensity of the piece, even though you are sitting there silently, your mind is going a thousand miles a second thinking about what you have to do next. And there's no agonizing feeling than thinking about everything you have to do and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

And since your mind has its own psychological limits, your natural safety systems unlock, desperately trying to take your mind away from the intensity to a safer psychological place. So as you sit there, looking innocent, your mind actually is cooking up of any and every conceivable way to fuck up the concert. You think: "What is I just get up and bang on the timpani?" Or: "How about I just shout a well-placed profanity during the tenor solo?" And then you realize what you're doing, and you internally castigate yourself for thinking any of that stuff, and you sit in perpetual fear that you will give in and just fuck everything up. That's right, folks. When you see a 200-person choir sitting their silently on opening night of their performance, I guarantee that a good amount of them are really in a state of paralyzing fear. Remember that the next time you catch a 200-person choir concert.

So now comes finals week, and due to my graduate/unemployed status, I have nothing to do for a week. So if you have any appointments you want to make with me, do it now! Spaces are going fast!

A Study Break That Will Make You Piss in Your Pants

2005-06-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

I just got back from our first dress rehearsal for Verdi's Requiem at Royce Hall, and it was simply amazing. We've been practicing all quarter, but tonight actually was the first time we were singing with the Angeles Chorale, a full orchestra, and our four soloists. All told, we had approximately 300 singers & instrumentalists all on stage at the same time. You don't witness that too often, but we did tonight and, man, completely blew me away! Honestly, I've performed so many times that it's become second nature, and I'm not inclined to get excited. I'm REALLY EXCITED for tomorrow night!

If you haven't gotten tickets yet, or simply can't make tomorrow, there is an opportunity for you to see all of this FOR FREE. Saturday morning in Royce Hall, we'll be having a dress rehearsal from 11 AM - 2 PM. You can enter from the back and, very discretely, go into the audience and be there for the rehearsal. Chances are we'll get out early, and we'll have a lunch break, so your best bet it to be there from 11-12 or from 12:30-1:30.

ALSO, I'm still offering $10 tickets! But you will have to go to either the CTO or at the Royce window and pay for the $20 tickets. If I see you after the concert, and mention my online journal, I will PAY you $10 for coming!!! Isn't that sweet?!? Really, it will be WELL WORTH YOUR MONEY. VERY RARELY do I gush over anything 'cuz I'm a friggin' perfectionist, but I'M GUSHING OVER THIS! So hope to see y'all tomorrow!

A Tribute to Me?

2005-06-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to respond to James's tribute to me but haven't set aside the time until now. I suggest you read his lj first, because I have quite a bit to comment on it.

First, about the author. James is one of a kind. He's probably one of the most approachable guys I've ever met. The greatest memory I had of this guy was at 679 Gayley, and I had the honor of photographing him as he donned the UCLA cheerleading uniform for the very first time:

(I should confessed to you sooner, Maricar, but as you can see, James wasn't exactly faithful those first few weeks, flirting with Victoria's Secret posters. Just thought you should know.)

James was quite the enigima himself. You were never quite sure whether he was completely clueless, or just faking it. He could joke around with the best of them, but could always put his foot down when he needed to. He was also one of the most goddamn charming people you'll ever meet. He could make up the dumbest, most embarrassing things ever, and not only could he convince you to do them, but he could actually make you think that they were great ideas in the first place! Like videotaping you during the most vulnerable of moments. (::cough::Richard::cough:: Sorry, my throat's been a little scratchy). It's this unique gift that basically let's him get away with almost anything. But fortunately, he is responsible with his power. Kind of like using the Dark Side for good.

So anyway, I just want to add some points of addendum to his tribute:

1. Yeah, James could turn about anything into a game. Drinking game, that is. But he was really sneaky in that he would get you to play games that only HE was good at. It resulted in many a time that first summer with me drunk off my ass and James taunting me with: "C'mon man, you gotta do better! I haven't even taken a shot yet!"

2. Summer 2001 Samahang Board Transition Retreat - So the "crazy ass gravel turnaround on the freeway" story goes like this: I was driving Lara, Maricar, and James and we were all caravaning to Las Vegas. So I was following someone, I forget who it was, on the 15 and was driving casually in the left lane, when suddenly, the car I was following merges to the right lane and exits! I try to follow, but there's a car blocking my way! Crap! So now we're thinking... well, we'll just get off at the next stop and come back around. Keep in mind that: a) This is the first time I had EVER driven to Vegas, and b) They got off at Baker, and the next exit would be like in 10 miles. So, had to make a decision, at 80 mph. We were turning this Honda Civic around!

So we found the next gravel patch dividing the two directions, and I slowed down as best as I could and drove into the gravel patch. I must've been going faster than I thought I was, probably at like 30 mph, because when we hit the gravel patch, we must've skid like a good 10 feet before we came to a stop. Then, like a really scary stop sign, had to pick the right time to get back onto the freeway on the other direction and go from 0 to 80 as fast as humanly possible. And so we finally got to Baker, where the caravan told us that they tried to call us about the Baker stop, but all they got were voice mails.

Yeah, that retreat made me feel like such a 1st year.

3. Oh, and what did my "sunsilk" hair look like? Like this:

It should also be noted that, due to his appreciation for wild and crazy ideas and to the fact that he had electric clippers, I chose James to witness, document, and assist me in shaving my locks the afternoon after SPCN 2002:

4. Although awkward at times, watching the relationship between Maricar and James develop was really something special. It was one of those things where you really saw how their relationship brought the best out of each other. And unlike other relationships that seemed more physical and really wanted to make me gag, their relationship was solid, and I always felt comfortable around them, although I've always wondered how many times they wished that that "3rd wheel" would disappear for a while.

Anyway, thanks James for bringing me back, and reminding me that not even a continent can separate good friends.

Wait... a Quiz on Randy's Journal?!?

2005-06-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

As much as I love Jill & Tan, it was way too disturbing to be greeted by their picture every time I opened my journal, so I've put this little quiz up to give my eyes a rest.

Your dating personality profile:

Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.
Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Your date match profile:

Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps her body in top shape.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Athletic
2. Practical
3. Liberal
4. Shy
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Big-Hearted
7. Religious
8. Sensual
9. Intellectual
10. Traditional

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Athletic
2. Practical
3. Shy
4. Traditional
5. Funny
6. Intellectual
7. Wealthy/Ambitious
8. Conservative
9. Big-Hearted
10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

A few comments:

I was intrigued that physical fitness was at the top of both lists. I find it funny because I hardly ever find time to go to the gym at all. But I would say it is accurate in that I am attracted to people with good, positive energy, and being fit is an indication of that.

As for liking women who are shy, I would say that, to some extent, I do enjoy the idea of sitting down with a woman and really getting to know her deeply. But at the same time, this attraction would also cause me tremendous frustration, because a shy person probably wouldn't make their feelings obvious, making it that much more difficult to understand if I'm making any progress.

::Sigh:: How about I just let love fall into my lap, yes?

File Transfer... File Transfer...

2005-06-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Can you guess what THEY'RE doing?
Find these and other provocative images of LCC's last show of the academic year "Coyote Tails and Tales" courtesy of the extraordinary Nick Tang.

Whew!

2005-06-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

So after a crazy four days, my 2nd and final LCC show is finished. After totally running around with my head chopped off on Sunday's tech, to having to re-write the script twice with Yumi, to prepping the actors to the new script an hour before showtime Tuesday, to finally that awesome send-off last night, I can finally put my mind at ease. LCC is definitely one of those really intense theatrical experiences where you don't have enough money, you don't get enough rehearsal time, you don't get enough tech time, and yet still have to meet the highest expectations from your audience. I'm totally honored to have gotten a taste of LCC these past two quarters, and was a great way to end my UCLA undergrad experience.

Coming up next on life with Randy: Ode to Me?

Episode III Debate

2005-05-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

So my friend Rich and I have been in this engaging debate concerning Mace Windu and his direction in Episode III. It's sort of a spoiler, but not really, since we kind of know what will happen by the original trilogy.

We debate about a point concerning the attempted arrest of Chancellor Palpatine. We were debating whether Mace's actions implied his possible turn to the Dark Side. My argument is that with Mace's continuing mistrust of Anakin, the Chancellor, and the Senate, that Mace been successful, he would have continued his push to "correct" the Senate, and therefore would have succumbed to the Dark Side, possibly becoming Anakin's new Master. Rich respectfully disagrees, and believes that had Mace been successful and killed the Chancellor, he would have returned to the Jedi Council and restored peace.

But what do my faithful readers think? Would Mace Windu have turned to the Dark Side if he had been successful in killing the Chancellor?

What Can I Say? I'm an Oldies Type of Guy

2005-05-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

When I came to UCLA, I wasn't a great fan of classical or choral music. I thought it was some music some old white guys wrote for European kings that only present-day rich white guys listened to. Then came UCLA Chorale, and oh, how I've changed my tune.

Most of the credit for my transformation has goes to our conductor, Professor Donald Neuen. A few months ago my sister wrote about the "shining eyes" phenomenon, and there's no doubt that this man has it for music. The man is up on his years, but when he gets in front of the chorus, he looks like teenager who's taking his very first car out for a spin. When you're around him, it's hard to not get caught up in his energy. For anyone at UCLA who is serious about improving their singing, Music C90A is a must.

What makes his teaching-style so great is that he's just as concerned about the performance as he is about the technical aspect of singing. He indoctrinates you on the idea that a singer is 1/3 musician (i.e. you can read music), 1/3 engineer (i.e. you can manipulate your internal engineering for the optimal vocal sound), and 1/3 actor (i.e. you can feel the emotional state of the music and can communicate that to your audience). Before every song, Professor Neuen would give us a billion markings, all to emphasize the emotional state of the piece within every accent, crescendo, and decrescendo. To execute one of these pieces, which includes a chorus of over 200 and a full orchestra, requires the greatest focus and precision, and forces you to be the absolute best.

The other important aspect that Professor Neuen brings is the musical analysis. To truly understand a piece requires an analysis of the composer, the era, and the social consciousness of the audience. For example, Bach took melodies that had existed for hundreds of years, harmonized them, and pumped them up with rhythm. As Professor Neuen says, Bach brought jazz to classical music. So if you come to our Chamber Choir's Bach concert, you will notice that each movement is in a consistent tempo and with lots of upbeat accents driving the piece. For Verdi's Requiem, which the Chorale will be performing in Royce Hall, the piece was written in a period when the Catholic Church instilled a great sense of fear of death, and preached about all the horrors they would face in Hell if they did not repent their sins. Combined with Verdi's knack for operatic compositions, Requiem, which was performed during funeral Mass, is characterized by very obvious, very emotionally charged movements, from the fiery "Dies Irae" ("Day of Wrath") to humble plea, "Libera Me" ("Deliver Me"). For Beethoven, his life was full of pain and suffering. His family disowned him, his romantic relationships failed, and by the time he finished his 9th Symphony, with his famous choral finale "Ode to Joy", he was deaf. So in order for him to "hear" his own music, Beethoven could only stand in front of the orchestra and feel the vibrations in the air and in the floorboards. That's why Beethoven's music is dynamically very blunt and forceful, with no hint of subtlety. And from experience, I can tell you that "Ode to Joy" is incredibly taxing on the voice. Hopefully you'll get to hear it when I perform at the new Walt Disney Concert Hall on my birthday in July.

So if you're tired of reading about this and want to experience it yourself, here's a rundown of my upcoming performances. Just show up early for the Bach concert. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SEEING VERDI'S REQUIEM, CONTACT ME ASAP FOR TICKETS. I promise, you won't regret it.

Monday, June 6th (Week 10), 8 PM
UCLA Chamber Singers
All-Bach Concert featuring Cantata #4
Jan Popper Theater, Schoenberg Hall
FREE

Saturday, June 11th (Week 10), 8 PM
UCLA Chorale with Angeles Chorale,
American Youth Symphony Orchestra, and soloists
Verdi's Requiem
$10 (if you contact me ASAP)
Regular price: $40, $30, $20

Thursday, July 7th
Beethoven's 9th Symphony
Walt Disney Concert Hall, Downtown Los Angeles
Price TBA

It's Over

2005-05-17T01:06:00.000-07:00

And such is the last time I will strap on a bahag in front of a full Royce Hall audience. It was a great SPCN. It wasn't perfect (for the first time that I can remember, we had NO guitarist for the Samahang Theme Song), but the crowd was hot, and the SPCN participants brought their A-game that night, including Nick Tang, who took some AMAZING pictures of our show. But the highlight of SPCN for me, and ranks up there with the highlights of my LIFE, was standing on stage before the show...

...with my roommate, the SPCN Coordinator, Sean Canullas...

...and my other roommate, the current Samahang President, Marc Loresto...

...to introduce, for only the second time ever (with the first honor going to Nathan Lam), the first Pinay to be elected USAC President, the beautiful Jenny Wood.

When Marc finally announced Jenny's name and she came on stage, the crowd just blew the top off Royce Hall and just went ballistic. To be there as 1,700 people came to their feet to celebrate Jenny's victory, the feeling was just indescribable. It was a magical moment in Samahang history, and like so many other moments, I don't know what I did to deserve to be there, but I'm simply amazed and humbled by the fact that I could be there to witness that historic occasion.

So, one Royce Hall performance down, another one to go, as I await June 11th, where I'll be with UCLA Chorale singing Verdi's Requiem. Heh, my spine just got tingly all over.

Let It Be Known That a Queer Pinay...

2005-05-13T01:54:00.000-07:00

...is now the President of the Undergraduate Student Association Council at UCLA. Congratualtions Jenny Punsalan Wood!

Congratulations and thanks also need to go to Jeannie Biniek, Todd Hawkins, Tommy Tseng, and Peter Bautista. You all make me so proud!

When Principles Are Compromised

2005-05-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

For all the non-UCLA student readers, I apologize for all the UCLA-specific stuff; these are crazy election times and well, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Anyway, the subject of this rant is "When Principles Are Compromised." Whose principles? Well, none other than the Bruin Democrats. The Bruin Democrats are probably the biggest hypocrites at UCLA, and I would argue are a bigger threat to progressive work on this campus than all the Bruin Republicans and racist bigots combined.

Their website would make you think that they support progressive issues. They want "Stability in Iraq." Check. They want to prioritize "Public Education." Check. "True protection of the Environment." Check. Support "Gay Marriage." Check. Progressive platform accomplished.

Yet for all their talk, what have the Bruin Democrats done? If they prioritized "Public Education", why haven't they lobbied the UC Regents or the State Senate about rising fees? If they wanted to support "Gay Marriage", why haven't they contacted Queer Alliance or passed out petitions for marriage equality? If they cared so much about the environment, why didn't they tag team with the Sustainability Coalition?

Instead of all those things that they could have done, what actions did they feel better pushed their platform? They decide to tag team with the Bruin Republicans and support Bruins United. That's right folks; the same Bruin Republicans who held an affirmative action bake sale to ridicule efforts to increase the numbers of minority youth at the university. The same Bruin Republicans who launched a campaign to de-sponsor MEChA because they felt MEChA, a champion in organizing the Chican@ youth in education, was a racist organization. The same Bruin Republicans who had a chair, while the 2002 USAC election results were announced, yelled at the students of color "hate me because I hate you!" That's right folks, they together support, Bruins United, the slate that opposes both the progressive students of color slate (Students Power!) and the environmental slate (Future Front).

But why would the Bruin Democrats do such a thing. For one reason and one reason only. Money. When it all comes down to it, the primary push for the Bruin Democrats is so they can get a bigger slice of student fees, which they believe are unfairly distributed to cultural organizations, like Samahang Pilipino.

Now I'm not arguing the critique of the process of funding student organizations, but if that's what the Bruin Democrats really care about, then the future of the Democratic Party is in really, really awful hands. And you wonder why the Democratic Party is quickly degrading into "irrelevant third party" status? Just look at the Bruin Democrats, and you'll find your answer