Wanting a Wonderful Life (or Searching for George Bailey)

Wednesday was such a grueling, amazing, shocking, and intriguing day. I'm in full job-search mode now, and Tuesday I visited two completely different worlds. One was the world of the non-profit. The other was the world of the corporation. And I felt pressures on both ends of the spectrum, and in the end I found myself hoping to find a third, middle-ground.

Facing the People

So on Tuesday afternoon, I went to two non-profits. First, I visited one of my alumni friends working at a labor union. I never met up with him, but fortunately I ran into an old classmate who I hadn't seen in years. She was really helpful, especially since she was only three years ahead of me in the game and gave me some fresh experience.

Now I had a few friends work for the labor movement, and from what I understand, it's extremely emotional. The organizers go through really great highs, and rock bottom lows. The people I know who end up staying in the movement tend to be very intense people who can withstand the emotional roller coaster. My friend was no exception.

She told me that she was on a high that day because she didn't have to go out to the street, organizing workers. Organizing on the street requires a lot of dedication, resilience, and patience. Apparently, the organizers take a lot of crap. They knock on workers' doors and get shut out, fearing to lose their job by being associated with the union. Other workers are frustrated that the union isn't doing enough, and the organizers take the brunt of their ire.

It may sound to you that the workers are real bastards, but consider that this job is life or death to them. The workers take a lot of crap themselves: low wages, long hours, no benefits, bad working conditions, etc. Considering their position, you'd think that they'd welcome the union with open arms, but joining the union sometimes requires that they put their jobs, their lives, on the line. As an organizer, you are forced to confront the realities of people who've had it really hard, and you have to face their fears head on.

After about an hour at the labor offices, and stopping by another non-profit, Search to Involve Pilipino Americans, and getting more career guidance from the Director, my friend Joel Jacinto, I buttoned up my shirt, put on my tie, and left for Downtown LA where I had a date with the skyscraper.

Facing the Numbers

I gave myself an hour to drive three miles in Downtown LA. Good thing to; after the traffic and navigating the maze that would require an engineering degree to navigate, I entered the parking structure, neglecting to see the rate because I only had 15 minutes left to get there (by the way, the answer to my previous entry was ‘a’), I parked, went up the elevator, and checked in with security before going up.

When the time came, they gave us our badges and sent us up to the 43rd floor. We walked into what looked like a classroom, except instead of looking out the window at a street, you saw half of Los Angeles. There were two proctors, suits and all, and they gave us a low-down of what we were actually doing there. They showed a video from their PR department, accentuating all the smiling faces and how Wells Fargo is a dynamic place to work blah blah blah, and we proceeded to take the test.

The test reminded me a lot of SAT. Multiple choice. Standard format. Half logic problems, half math problems. But one intriguing aspect was the content of the questions. Example: “Company X donates $600,000 to charity last year. The board of directors votes to cut their charity donations this year by 20% to increase cash dividends to their stockholders. How much did Company X donate this year?”

Before answering the question, my first instinct was think: “Fuck you, Company X! You’re probably profiting by the millions; you fucking owe the public for your wealth, you rich assholes!” I then answered the question.

We finished taking the test around 9:30 PM, and the proctors left the room to grade them. They asked us to wait a while longer to get the results. While we were waiting, I conversed with a few of my cohorts who were taking the test. I was surprised with how far people came to take this test: Michigan, Texas, Connecticut. The woman who sat next to me commuted two hours on buses from Alhambra to get there. They also had diverse backgrounds: some were recent grads like me, a few had some banking experience, some had been in sales, two, specifically, were escaping the sinking ship that is the music industry. One in particular was a big fan of scuba diving and regulars a scuba shop just a few minutes from my place. I’m thinking of taking it up, when I can generate income, that is.

Twenty minutes later, the proctors came back and called out the names of the people who passed. Out of 30 or so in the room, they called out 10, mine being one of them (of course I had to pass, I’m an engineer, damnit!). They asked everyone else to leave while we stayed to go over logistics for the next phase.

They then went and quasi-interviewed each of us. “Where are you from?” “Why do you want to work here?” “Give me an example of when you had to make a sale under pressure.” That’s when things started to feel a little weird. It was kind of like everyone transformed into these caricatures from reality television. And I took my role too: Hotshot college graduate who wants to climb to the top. It was a fun role to play, in a weird, out-of-body experience kinda way.

When all was said and done, it was 10:30, and we were all brain-dead. I took the elevator down, learned that my car was being taken hostage (must be because I’m a Washington Mutual Customer), went out to the ATM to pick up the cash, and drove back home.

"Where Are You, Mr. Bailey?”

While driving back, I reflected on the day, and distinctly remember feeling pressure in both settings, but for different reasons. While at the union, I felt the pressure to confront the realities of the people. While at the corporation, I was pressured to turn the other way, to instead focus on the numbers and achievement. But in both cases, I found myself getting consumed and torn away from what was most important to me, family.

Yes, and the irony does not escape me; the idea that family is the most important thing to a man who consciously moved AWAY from home to find a career. But I find that being away from home takes away a lot of distractions, and lets me focus on what I really want. And I know it seems a little early to take about providing for a family and parenting, but I also know that careers have a way of transforming you. And they can transform you two different ways: it can affirm you, or it can consume you.

Maybe I was just ignorant, but in both those extremes, I felt like part of me was being consumed. Like taking that road would take me further away from being the father I want to be to my kids. I’m usually really articulate, but right now, I can’t quite articulate what that ideal is. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, and I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. Continuing to drive, I continued to ponder my possibilities, when the strangest thing popped into my head. I thought about George Bailey.

George Bailey is the main character from the Christmas classic, "It's A Wonderful Life". It’s one of my favorite movies of all-time. I have the DVD, and even in the scorching temperatures of July, I'll pop in this Christmas tale of a man who realizes the impact one person can make on the world. Jimmy Stewart is one of my all-time favorite actors, and his portrayal of George Bailey immortalized him as the all-American good guy: works hard, big dreams, always there for his friends & family, occasionally stumbles & falls, but always rises to the occasion. I’ve always looked characters in movies and television to find admirable traits to emulate, but there is no character, except maybe one, that has had as deep and meaningful impact on my life as George Bailey (the other being Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation).

I guess he came up because when I look at an ideal of what I want, I look at him. He has a beautiful wife and family. He has a job that fulfills a real need in the community, helping the working class own homes of their own. It pays decent and provides for his family. And he gets enormous respect from all who know him.

But at the same time, there was one part of his life that I absolutely wanted to avoid: he hated his job. His love for the community always seemed to be at ends with his own ability to provide for his family. At his lowest, his job had consumed him, and put him at the brink of suicide. It had separated him from his ideals of family and community, and left him at the point of desperation.

I have to believe that you can have it all. A healthy and loving family, a career that falls in line both with my skills and my ideals, and the respect from everyone around me. Or is it just my college ideals talking? Am I just asking for too much?

I just hope Heaven reads online journals, because I could use a guardian angel, 2nd class right now.