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UCPD Says Tasered Iranian Student Mistaken for Black Man

The UCPD issued an apology earlier today, stating that the tasing of an Iranian student in Powell Library was completely unjustified, and that it would never have happened had they known that the student wasn't Black.

"We deeply regret any emotional and physical pain we may have inflicted upon the tasered student and his family," stated UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young. "In taking our responsibility to protect the UCLA community from potentially harmful intruders, we sometimes mistake men of darker complexions with Black men, thus resulting in this unfortunate incident."

The incident occurred around 11:30 PM the evening of Nov. 15 at Powell Library. The student, Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a fourth-year Middle Eastern and North African studies student, was using a library computer when Community Service Officers, or CSOs, doing their routine checks, requested Tabatabainejad to show his student ID. When he refused to comply, the CSOs called the UCPD.

"When the UCPD officers came, the CSOs were told them to escort 'that brown guy over there,'" Young said. "The officers must have assumed that person was Black."

Young emphasized that the UCPD only allows UCLA students, staff, and faculty to use the libraries after 11 PM. "And as we all know, the only Black people UCLA admits are athletes, and the kid couldn't have been taller than 5'6", 140 pounds. There's no way he could have been an athlete."

As the UCPD officers proceeded to escort Tabatabainejad out of the library, the student began to scream at the officers, yelling "Here's your PATRIOT Act, here's your fucking abuse of power!"

"At this point, he wasn't even allowing our officers to rebut his arguments," Young stated. "This person either had no idea what proper Parliamentary debate protocol was, or decided to ignore the protocol altogether. In either case, the combination of his unruliness and his African complexion gave our officers the impression that he was a threat, and following protocol, proceeded to taser him."

Tabatabainejad was tasered several times, even after he was handcuffed. "When he couldn't get up after the first couple of tasers, the officers knew something wasn't right," Young continued. "Usually, Black people can withstand six or seven tasers before being incapacitated."

Although civil rights groups, like the ACLU, have noted that taser victims can be damaged both physically and psychologically, Tabatabainejad says he suffers from none of those symptoms. "It was like static shock. No big deal," Tabatabainejad said. "Of course, my lawyer says that it is very possible I could suffer from severe emotional and traumatic episodes in the future, especially in front of a judge and jury. Therefore, I intend to file suit, and I assure you, I will be well compensated for these convincing and unrehearsed fits of suffering and anguish."

Since announcing his intentions to file suit, Tabatabainejad has received solicitations from several sources desiring to tap his pending fortune, including golddiggers, distant and destitute blood relatives, and Al Qaeda.

"I have not decided what to do with this new money," Tabatabainejad said. "All I know is this: I'm going to be rich, bitch!"

Young reiterated his regret at what he calls an honest case of mistaken identity. "Believe me, if the UCPD had known how much bad publicity this would have brought to us and to the university, we would have thought twice before we tasered him. We at least would have been more discrete about it."