One Question, and a Day of Reflection

Just after my first class this morning, I sat in the Ackerman food court when a young woman approached me to ask for a minute of my time. She said she was taking a quick survey of people around the food court and asked for my participation. I said sure. She then proceeded to ask her question: "What is the one thing you would like to accomplish before you die?" I then realized one thing: this was going to take a lot longer than a minute.

So there I sat, scrambling through memories and dreams of past, present, and future, about that one moment beyond anything else that would make my life complete. Requesting assistance (and possibly tainting her study), I fired a question back about her motives for the survey. She responded, saying that she wanted to observe the different responses between men and women. Within seconds of mentioning the words "men and women", I then gave my response: "I would want to have raised a family."

After I gave a brief explanation of my answer, she left my table, searching for more answers, and I, left pondering about what I had just said, and if I had done anything to even get closer to that goal.

Now don't misinterpret me; I'm not talking about getting some woman pregnant and starting that biological family in the near future. But there are other ways to "raise a family" that is within an aspiring, young, college student's plans. Like keeping close to friends, being a supportive confidant with the people around you, keeping regular contact with relatives, and the like. And part of me feels like I have come short on that level.

I think that I'm kind of in that inner conflict that many young professionals face, especially females: which comes first, career or family? While there are many aspects that make my situation different (i.e. I don't have the same biological clock), there's still a "finish work vs. connecting with people" aspect that is analogous to the dilemma. I've completed a lot of work during my college life: engineering classes, Samahang, sang in choir, performed in a couple of acting roles, negotiated with UCLA administrators, made funding, hiring, and disciplinary decisions, organized campaigns, and there's still a lot more to come. But when it comes to relationships with people, a majority of them have relied on the continuation of the work, and when the work stopped, the connections were severed. And while I have a good group of close friends living here in the Goshen Complex, I have relied on those friends to initiate that connection on levels other than Samahang work (i.e. the "family connection"), whereas my initiations of connection have almost always been connected with Samahang work.

I've always felt like I could find my support within the work, and it's partially true, but I don't know if that has necessarily translated into a family. It's probably there, but as the saying goes: "if you don't use it, you lose it". There have probably been umpteen opportunities to get closer to people and make those lasting connections, but I've never been gung-ho about maximizing those opportunities, reason being a combination of the work that was a bigger calling for me and the fear that getting closer to someone would create a clique that would separate me from the greater community, with a hint of impatience for that lasting connection to come sooner rather than later.

While sitting during intermission during WACSmash (a collection of performance pieces created by students from the department of World Arts and Cultures), my grad student friend Carolina told me (and I paraphrase here) "Randy, once you figure out what you want to do, you're going to fly." With all the different directions and connections I could make with different careers and different people, sky's the limit for me. But the path to get there, while leaving a legacy that includes creating that family, is still cloudy, and is what keeps me grounded.

But if contrasting today with the Winter is any consolation, in the end, the clouds are never permanent, and the skies always clear up.