Making Sense of the Senseless

Note: I've been debating back and forth whether I should publish this entry for the world to see. I paint a very personal portrait of someone I have admired, and I don't know if it would do his memory justice, whether it would give him honor or disgrace. After giving great thought, I share with you what I have, raw and from the heart, with the hope that the people I love will never have to make the decision that my friend made this week.

I've been troubled the past few weeks. At first, it was the election results (note: read last entry). But recent events have made such worries seem like a distant memory.

Steven Le, a friend and colleague of mine, passed this Thursday. Any death to come to someone so young is a shock for anyone, but I would have been a little more at ease (as close as anyone can be at ease with death) if it were an accident or an Act of God. But the word that's spreading around makes his passing that more disturbing: suicide.

I'm hesitant to spread the word because it may well not be true (and I pray that is the case), but just entertaining the possibility is what has troubled me so much. Steven was a former chair of the Vietnamese Student Union, a strong student leader, and well-known in the community. As the current President of Samahang Pilipino, I've met hundreds, literally, hundreds of people from the community on and off campus who never fail to let you know that they support you and offer what they can do to help. Knowing that Steven had a similar group, makes me wonder all the more why would he take his own life? What circumstances would make him fail to see any other way out?

In searching for anything that would help me make sense of this, I searched for his name and found his xanga. His entries were few and far between, but most of his entries were brief, and there seemed to be this shroud of depression looming over him. He also had this urge to share himself with someone, but had a tremendous fear of rejection. Just recently, he was having trouble with his boyfriend whom he thought was "the one." He constantly asked where his support was. He kept a lot of emotions locked inside, and he went through great pains to keep them there.

After reading his xanga, pieces of Steven's character started to make sense. If I had to characterize Steven, I'd have to say "wired." He always seemed to be stressed in some way, shape, or form. It wasn't that he couldn't smile; he always found joy around his friends, especially in the Vietnamese Student Union. But his smile always came with this underlying tension, that something was on his mind, that something wanted to come out, but he wasn't sure how.

Ironically, Steven's death coincided with another death that I learned through Rhett's blog, the suicide of Iris Chang. Iris Chang was the author of "The Rape of Nanking," a best-seller that brought attention to the slaughter of Chinese by the Japanese during World War II. Although critically-acclaimed, the book also endured tremendous criticism from the Japanese government who continue to deny allegations of wrong-doing. Recently, she was doing research for a project about US soldiers is the Philippines. She was only 36, and she left behind friends and family, including her 2-year old son.

These recent events have sent shockwaves throughout my being. There are times when I've been in despair, felt alone, when I've wondered how people would react if I were to die tomorrow. Who would show up to the funeral? Whose attention would I finally get? Who would feel guilty for taking me for granted? But these selfish desires were always trumped by the faith that there was always potential unrealized, and it needed to be uncovered. That is where my purpose lies, in fulfilling this limitless potential, and through this mission I extract beauty, my reason for living. How one could be blinded by despair so much as to find life unredeemable? Only if one were stripped of one's humanity and left in isolation could I even remotely think of the possibility, and even this reality is beyond my imagination. How could these two beautiful people, no matter what despair the may have endured, lose sight of the beauty of friendship, or of motherhood, to take the own lives? I sit in shock and bewilderment, and hope that I may never find the answer.

This entry is dedicated to Steven and Iris, for your beauty everlasting, and that we may live more richly through your sacrifice.

Commentary on the Election, and the Main Event: Emotion vs. Reason

So I have a midterm on Monday morning. But emotions have been running high, with the disheartening election and the recent Justice for Filipino American Veterans Parade in Historic Pilipinotown. Just so much is going through my system right now, so maybe if I list things in numbers will help find method in the madness:

1. Shock and Awe: Part II

Such was November 2nd, 2004. This was supposed to be a slam-dunk. After four years of slogging through a presidency that committed mistake after mistake, from devastating the American economy and unemployment skyrocketing, to alienating allies after the entire world was with us in the early post-9/11 era, to directly lying to Congress and the American people to justify a war for oil that will undoubtedly supply Osama's terror network for a generation, to turning the biggest American surplus in history to the biggest deficit in history, the Bush Administration was a disaster. Anti-Bush authors headed by Michael Moore and Al Franken wrote books that were flying off the shelves, and never in my lifetime had a President been more reviled. All the pieces were in place. America was going to redeem herself.

But what were we to learn that Tuesday? That America believes GAY PEOPLE are a bigger threat to society than the devastated economy or the war. That America thinks a man who avoided active duty in Vietnam by signing up to defend the Texas boarder from Mexicans (and still shirked his service) is a better Commander-In-Chief than a former Vietnam veteran with three Purple Hearts. That America likes fiscal irresponsibility, just so long as America is kicking ass (i.e. killing people).

Of course, THAT America only refers to 51% of the Citizens of the United States, while THIS America consisting of the other 49% stands confused, bewildered, and mad as hell.

So what I have been doing to deal with the trauma? Well I've been comforted by the wisdom of one Zack De La Rocha and the driving bass lines of Rage Against the Machine (Side note: What happens when a band becomes more relevant after they disband? Legendary.) and the comedic genius that is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the last relevant news source on television. But this are mere escapes. This doesn't answer the question of what will I do.

The answer is, I'm not sure yet, but I think I let some of my steam off at the JFAV Parade. I jumped on the trucks with the chanting and said my piece, although I should've been more sensitive about the younger folks in the crowd and watched my profanity. Sorry.

Which is a good segue to the main event...

2. Emotions versus Reason

How does one base their behavior? And what does one value? Personally, I value logic and reason over emotion. Not so much by the fact that reason is better than emotion, but because of how crazy I feel when I get emotional (like touches of profanity when on a microphone truck while marching through P-Town). I say crazy shit when I'm overcome with emotion. I make rash decisions that, when I look back, weren't so great decisions. I go to the extremes, not a good place for me. I make a point to keep all my emotional drama on stage, and keep it out of my personal life. I equate my emotions with a roller coaster ride, and it doesn't leave me with a level head that I feel is necessary to make sound, solid, and consistent decisions. What can I say; I grew up appreciating Vulcans. (It's all about the neck-pinch, baby.)

But on the other hand, people live through emotions. In many ways, you live your life through a connection of emotional states. Events are seared into your memory by powerful emotions. Emotion is power. The JFAV parade this morning is a good example of how the emotional ties of the youth to their elders is a powerful fuel to transform, both from without (ex: lobbying to pass the Equity Bill) and within (ex: dedicating oneself to advocate for the community).

Emotion is a weapon. When one can wield their own emotions, they become tremendously powerful. When one cannot control their emotions, they become a danger to one's self. When I think about it, I value reason over emotion is because I'm naturally a fiery and emotional guy. Because I've seen how unstable I can be when those emotions come out, I've tried to contain those emotions with reason.

But is this the person I want to be? Have I been neglecting a power to emotionally agitate people to action? Have I been shying away from my emotional power? Was the man on the moving truck in P-Town the man I'm more suited to become? Is it not my destiny to become Spock?

I leave the discussion to my journal readers, if you made it this far. What is the primary basis for your decisions: emotion or reason? And is that the person you want to be?