One Question, and a Day of Reflection

Just after my first class this morning, I sat in the Ackerman food court when a young woman approached me to ask for a minute of my time. She said she was taking a quick survey of people around the food court and asked for my participation. I said sure. She then proceeded to ask her question: "What is the one thing you would like to accomplish before you die?" I then realized one thing: this was going to take a lot longer than a minute.

So there I sat, scrambling through memories and dreams of past, present, and future, about that one moment beyond anything else that would make my life complete. Requesting assistance (and possibly tainting her study), I fired a question back about her motives for the survey. She responded, saying that she wanted to observe the different responses between men and women. Within seconds of mentioning the words "men and women", I then gave my response: "I would want to have raised a family."

After I gave a brief explanation of my answer, she left my table, searching for more answers, and I, left pondering about what I had just said, and if I had done anything to even get closer to that goal.

Now don't misinterpret me; I'm not talking about getting some woman pregnant and starting that biological family in the near future. But there are other ways to "raise a family" that is within an aspiring, young, college student's plans. Like keeping close to friends, being a supportive confidant with the people around you, keeping regular contact with relatives, and the like. And part of me feels like I have come short on that level.

I think that I'm kind of in that inner conflict that many young professionals face, especially females: which comes first, career or family? While there are many aspects that make my situation different (i.e. I don't have the same biological clock), there's still a "finish work vs. connecting with people" aspect that is analogous to the dilemma. I've completed a lot of work during my college life: engineering classes, Samahang, sang in choir, performed in a couple of acting roles, negotiated with UCLA administrators, made funding, hiring, and disciplinary decisions, organized campaigns, and there's still a lot more to come. But when it comes to relationships with people, a majority of them have relied on the continuation of the work, and when the work stopped, the connections were severed. And while I have a good group of close friends living here in the Goshen Complex, I have relied on those friends to initiate that connection on levels other than Samahang work (i.e. the "family connection"), whereas my initiations of connection have almost always been connected with Samahang work.

I've always felt like I could find my support within the work, and it's partially true, but I don't know if that has necessarily translated into a family. It's probably there, but as the saying goes: "if you don't use it, you lose it". There have probably been umpteen opportunities to get closer to people and make those lasting connections, but I've never been gung-ho about maximizing those opportunities, reason being a combination of the work that was a bigger calling for me and the fear that getting closer to someone would create a clique that would separate me from the greater community, with a hint of impatience for that lasting connection to come sooner rather than later.

While sitting during intermission during WACSmash (a collection of performance pieces created by students from the department of World Arts and Cultures), my grad student friend Carolina told me (and I paraphrase here) "Randy, once you figure out what you want to do, you're going to fly." With all the different directions and connections I could make with different careers and different people, sky's the limit for me. But the path to get there, while leaving a legacy that includes creating that family, is still cloudy, and is what keeps me grounded.

But if contrasting today with the Winter is any consolation, in the end, the clouds are never permanent, and the skies always clear up.

Kill School, Volume 2

Just a quickie update before I go to another meeting. My EE 115AL lab was absolutely killing me, so this morning I killed it (i.e. I dropped it), and replaced it with EE 103. Another type of poison, no doubt, but at least I took the pre-requisites for that class, the material looks a little more familiar, and I know two benevolent souls already, so I feel like I have a fighting chance.

Speaking of fighting, I took a nice break last night and caught Kill Bill, Volume 2. I really enjoyed this film, but there are some places that could have been tighter. The one piece of advice before going to this film, DO NOT EXPECT THIS MOVIE TO BE A COPY OF VOLUME 1. The fighting is much less frantic and not as awe-inspiring, the story is driven by much more dialogue than visuals, and the plot moves at a much slower pace than the almost relentless violence that graced Volume 1. Not that I mind that there is less fighting, but I did expect that the fighting would be much more climactic than what was presented. Practically the entire second half of Volume 1 was dedicated in building up to the final showdown with O-Ren, and it delivered. I was expecting that same kind of care when setting up for the showdown between The Bride and her rival, Elle, and especially with Bill. Maybe Daryl Hannah's and David Carradine's age prevented those battles from being more elaborate (I certainly wouldn't expect either one to move quite like Vivica A. Fox), but the showdown with O-Ren was not all that physically demanding either, and yet that battle was much more satisfying than any battle in Volume 2.

I also wished that Volume 2 went into more background of Budd, Elle, and Vernita Green. Again using the O-Ren story as a model, we don't ever quite get into the other characters as much, not even with Bill. I think it was our personal attachment with O-Ren that made the battle with the Bride so much sweeter, and was what essentially made Volume 1. You never quite reach that same connection with any of the other DiVAS members, which prevents Volume 2 from going to that next level.

But since I really did enjoy Volume 2, I will end on some things that it does right. Gordon Liu steals the show as Pai Mai, ornery, white-haired Kung Fu master that trained the Bride and Bill. I also like the coffin scene, where Tarantino's expertise in mixing visuals and ambient sounds to create that feeling like you are right there in the movie. I also enjoyed the return of that Tarantino-jibe through the voice of David Carradine. And just to put some icing on the cake, the voice who plays Fernando on the radio in the Grand Theft Auto series makes an appearance... woo hoo!

OK, it's approaching 4 pm, so duty calls. Let me know what YOU think of Volume 2...

Sleeping in, fancy dinners, and one minor explosion.

So after my forty-hour day, I realize that my body is more exhausted than I anticipated, because before I know it, I'd slept 14 hours, and it is 1 PM in the afternoon. Missed my office hours, missed my discussion, oh well.

So I get to school at 2 PM, and I have to finish my lab for Electrical Engineering 115AL. So I do my best to configure the circuit that is in my lab manual, I plug in the power supply and I turn on the oscilloscope (the machine that displays the electrical wave) and it's kinda spazzy, so I kinda wonder what's going on. After doing some tinkering with the oscilloscope, I have no idea what's going on, and I sit there pondering, when the most unexpected thing happens... my circuit blows up.

OK, maybe I'm being a little too dramatic; my capacitor blows up. Apparently, I had forgotten to ground my circuit and, as a result, my capacitor continued to charge when it just plain shouldn't have. So the thing blows up, there's dielectric crap all over my shirt and pants, and the entire class is staring at me. And the professor comes by, looks at my experiment, unplugs the power supply, takes my now-exploded capacitor, and says "Yup, that's a keeper."

And that my friends, was my "mad-scientist" or my "he-doesn't-know-what-the-hell-he's-doing,-does-he?" moment of the year (until I do something even more crazy or idiotic, which is due in about a week or so).

So fast forward to Saturday evening and the Pilipino Alumni Association's fundraising benefit. So it's become an annual tradition to come to this dinner, and every year there's some sort celebration connecting my undergrad experience to this place: Two years ago was Samahang's 30th anniversary, last year was Pilipinos In Engineering 10th anniversary, and this year I was getting one of their PAA scholarships. It's interesting that every year I feel like I know more and more people at these things; guess it's because I'm close to being one of them. I remember being a 2nd year in Samahang leadership and listening to how frustrated some of the older Samahang leaders were in trying to negotiate a relationship with PAA. It was like PAA was the group of "apolitical, bourgeoisie, non-progressives" while Samahang was more "in-touch with the community".

Of course now I realize that it was a really big generalization, but I could see how students could interpret the alumni association back then. It's difficult for older folks to humble themselves to talk to youngins as equals, and while not all alumni are like that and take the effort to really ask for the student perspective, there are enough of old school folks who like to hear the sound of their voice, and they exist in all organizations, including PAA and Samahang. Hell, I even spoke with the PAA Board once this academic year, and there were a few folks more interested in telling us what we SHOULD be doing, instead of OFFERING what WE REQUESTED of them. And likewise, I think Samahang could not understand the constituency and needs of the alumni community, which for the most part, are middle-class Pilipinos with steady jobs, 2.3 kids, and relatively well-off band of professionals. So Samahang should not have expected PAA to take the political stances that Samahang champions; that's not PAA's job. I think as I've become more exposed to PAA, I've come to better understand what PAA is and what it isn't, and just because it is not completely philosophically in line with Samahang's work, by no means does it make PAA an enemy. And fortunately, the PAA today has some old SPEAR counselors on their Board, which by their nature gives them a better sense of diplomacy in these matters. And now with the Pilipino Studies Campaign giving us more focus in our roles, I really see the relationship between Samahang and PAA becoming much more real and concrete.

Anyways, the dinner went well. I got to see a lot of old Samahangers, some I went to school with, most I didn't, but nevertheless, they all felt like family. They asked me what I planned to do next year, and I told them about my crazy idea; I was thinking of running for Samahang president. And maybe the drinks were flowing well that night, because I got crazier responses: they thought it was a good idea.

So if you haven't heard, yeah, I'm seriously thinking about running for President for Samahang next year. If you asked me last year if I would even consider running for President, I would have shot you down so fast... I would have shied away from the responsibility and the high profile that a president gets. But this year as Retention Coordinator has really changed me. I think my understanding of Samahang, coalition building, campaign organizing, and the community's need has grown exponentially over the past year. Intimidating tasks like talking with UCLA administrators, hiring project staff, and tackling university policy feel much more grounded and real, and I realize they are not as difficult as I had made them out to be. The projects still exist, the campus hasn't reduced into chaos, and to some extent, I've learned a great deal about what we should be doing to best serve the people and have improved what we had last year.

And within just one short year, I suddenly have this sharp, and more importantly, concrete vision of where I would like to see Samahang next year. I want to see us revise our constitution, and de-mystifying the constitutional review process to allow general membership to learn about the community and even help articulate the direction of the organization for the next several years. I want to see the committee system be further defined, with that committee culture really be cultivated during the summer. I especially want to see the Committee for Pilipino Studies become deeply grounded within Samahang, seeing how specifically the job responsibilities of four Samahang Board positions overlap through the Committee, and whose work can augment, and be augmented, through the Committee. My ideas go on and on, but the most important thing is that I understand that these ideas don't mean anything unless the Board, Samahang leadership, and the general members take ownership of these ideas and make it theirs. And so ends my candidate speech. =D

So after I accepted my scholarship and chased down a bunch of Samahang alumni's contact info, I drove home w/my roomies and we watched Kill Bill, Vol. 1. All I can say is is that the truly great movies are the ones that you enjoy more the more times you watch it. This is one of those movies.

One of these days, I'll shock all of you and just write one sentence in my entry and fifty people will respond asking me what the hell is wrong with me. But now is not one of those times.

Forty hours later, and I'm still standing.

So my first forty-hours-without-sleep-a-thon came and went fairly smoothly. Wasn't expecting it to happen, especially during Week 2 of Spring, but I guess practice makes perfect. Strangely enough, I still feel like I can go a good 3 or 4 more hours, but now is not the time for pushing the limits and more catching up with normality.

Before I do that, a summary of my forty-hour adventure: Woke up at 9 AM, Wednesday, April 14th. Got to school at 10 AM, finished up EE 115A HW, and worked on some top-secret Samahang Retention Coordinator stuff. Went to class at 1 PM, University Chorale @ 3 PM, caught up with SPEAR stuff with Rose over a brief early dinner, and then starting our project director interviews at 6 PM. We finished up the interviews at 9 PM.

Recommendation for next year: get a bigger room... with better ventilation... and windows.

After the interviews, we stayed another hour tallying our scores before going to the Mediterranean Cafe in Palms for some late dinner and qualitative deliberations. Overall, I was very pleased with our selection process. We had a lot of strong candidates, and all would have done a wonderful job as a director given the opportunity, but I felt that the committee did an excellent job of really getting down into the nitty-grittys to really allow the best people to come out on top. Although we could only choose two, all the candidates had some great ideas for the projects, and hopefully they'd be willing to come back to share their ideas about shaping the project for next year.

So the day was supposed to be over, with me getting some rest before my 8 AM lab. Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to finish my prelab, which I really busted my butt on all week but couldn't understand all the concepts, so I had to stay up to finish. I figured that a little sleep would screw me up more than none at all; hence, the all-nighter. I ended up entertaining myself in between my prelab struggles with music from Cowboy Bebop, Jesus Christ: Superstar, and a showing of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (one of the funniest movies of all time!).

So my roomie wakes up, and since we both have 8 AM classes, he gives me a lift to my lab (with my still incomplete prelab). Our lab professor gets there about 10 minutes late, and proceeds to lecture for two hours before the lab. TWO HOURS!!!! That's friggin' half the lab!!!! Fortunately, the lab wasn't too hard, although I still was not able to finish in the two hours we had left. I'm gonna have to come back tomorrow to finish up, oh boo.

I have an hour break between 12 and 1, so I stop by the "Stop Budget Cuts!" Rally on the top of Janss Steps before getting some light lunch at LuValle. I then have a discussion from 1-2, and a lecture from 2-4. I then get another hour break where I work on an agenda for an info session for project staff hiring (yes, another hiring round). I facilitate the first half of the info session, and then take off for a meeting with the Campus Retention Committee chair to talk about our goals for our CRC external affairs subcommittee this quarter. We talk for about 20 minutes, with a 10 minute break, before the CRC meeting starts at 6 PM. (so to re-cap: no sleep for the past 33 hours, although I did doze off for about 20 minutes in lecture and like 10 in discussion, but that so doesn't count, and I've only had about one true hour of break over the last ten hours).

The CRC meetings at the beginning of the quarter are especially long because we have evaluations of the projects from the last quarter. So I'm getting really close to the breaking point (I'm starting to struggle to keep conscious), but I struggle to stay alert for the entire two-hour meeting. I then get some dinner out in Westwood and chill for an hour before I go to the dorms to celebrate 1st-year Cheryl's 19th birthday.

I was really happy to go, because I really got a chance to bond with the younger folks that I really haven't had a chance to do. Yeah, I've been to their dorms before, but I remember that I was feeling disconnected at the time (couldn't remember why) and simply felt out of the loop. I missed out on the One Step Ahead mentorship retreat, and I didn't exactly participate as closely with the STEP internship as I could have. After 35 hours or so of consistent work, I finally got a chance to relax and chill, and got a chance to relax with some really cool folks. Thinking about all the work, and thinking of them, really put into perspective the whole day-and-a-half, and made it all worth it.

I think the biggest thing that came out of this was the fact that I didn't freak or get frayed during the entire time, although I definitely struggled a few times. I'm actually really happy about the whole thing, because in the end, I felt like I came out on top, and that no matter what happens this quarter, I'll be there at the end, still standing.

A waste of a weekend. Not really, but sure does feel like it.

So when does a weekend filled with people, food, sleep, and video games feel like a complete waste? When it's the first weekend during a quarter system.

Honestly, if I look objectively at the whole thing, I'm really not as behind as I think I am. Went to all my classes, went to a few office hours, advisory board, director's applications, etc. And emotionally, it seems like I've just been on a high. Just read my past week's or so entries: "[Spring Quarter] doesn't seem so bad. (April 6th)" "I can't think of any other place where I'd want to be right now (April 8th)." "I think I've been productive (April 8th)."

But when I think of the list of things that are still there (setting up meetings for SPEAR staff selection, subcommittee meetings, straightening out my calendar, etc.), well, yeah.

So anyway, I'm blowing more time by reading movie monologues from Colin's Movie Monologue Page. Whenever I had an audition for some theatrical stuff @ UCLA, I'd go to this page to find an audition piece. Whenever I wander here, I end up reciting three or four, seeing if I still got it. I realize that whenever I recite, two things happen: 1) My voice gets lower, and 2) My throat starts to dry out from all that yapping. I've always naturally had a good projection voice; public speaking has always been my forte. But I've always wanted to work on my range and pull off subdued and lighthearted monologues. I guess that's why I'm especially attracted to movie monologues; really good ones have these great subtleties that only the great actors can really pull off. Once I get my rechargeable batteries for my digital camera and pull out some new monologues... geez, it's over!

OK, this update started at 1 AM and ended at 3. It's time to go.

Week 1: Mission Complete

So after successfully going to bed at 10 at night last night, I'm making up for it by staying up 'til 2 tonight. I think I deserve it for what overall has been a successful week.

So just to follow up, we managed to get five applications total, which is fine by me; five applications will provide plenty of supplemental reading to my wonderful textbook and lab manual. Interviews on Wednesday, and I'm psyched.

So to wrap up the week, I tagged along with Maricar and James to go see Big Fish. Thought it was a pretty good movie. Reminded me a lot of Forrest Gump, with the innocent hero in bizarre situations. The movie ran a little slow, but I don't mind as long as characters and visuals are interesting (unlike Cold Mountain, which was a yawner the whole way through). I especially enjoyed the performances of Albert Finney (playing old Edward Bloom), Steve Buscemi (playing Norther Winslow), and Danny DeVito (playing Amos Calloway). Ewan McGregor (playing young Edward Bloom) and Helena Bonham Carter (playing Jenny and Witch) both did their jobs, but they are definitely capable of stronger performances. I don't think that this was a case of a lack of effort, but rather that their characters could have been written better. Even though Big Fish is a movie about tall tales, I felt that the events needed to be even more bizarre and grander to better contrast Ewan McGregor's home-grown, straight-shooting, I-can-do-anything-that-I-put-my-mind-to American hero. Forrest Gump did a better job in this aspect, which is why Forrest Gump is a superior movie. I also felt that Billy Cudrup's character (Will) was especially weak at the beginning and developed to just adequate toward the end. As a son who's frustrated with his dad telling these fabricated stories instead of the "truth", Cudrup could have done a much better job conveying that frustration at the beginning, to allow more of his character to develop toward the end, and thus better develop the central relationship between his character and his character's father (played to perfection by Finney). Overall, I felt its nominations for Best Picture in the Golden Globes and Oscars were deserved, but at the same time, a few abrupt scene cuts, some weak performances, and more dynamic environments kept this movie from award-winning status.

On a sort-of-related note, while I enjoy going to the movies with friends, when I go with a couple, I wonder if I'm making three's a crowd. Sure, I was invited, but I also understand the time that a couple needs to spend together (which is what I don't make time for, and hence, am single), and let's face it, unless all three relationships are similar in status, one relationship is going to dominate over the others, making a 3rd party feel left out. I'll bring that up the next time I end up making a threesome.

So Saturday looks to be filled with food, alumni, and performances, with the Community Programs Office Alumni Day and the Luau held by the Hawai'i Club. And it's way past 2, so it's time to go.

It's Friday!

So it's about 6 AM and no, I didn't go to the Samahang party last night. I was up from 7 am to 10 pm, with a total of three hours of break between 7 am and 8 pm, which should've been two but I missed a meeting (Mea Culpa, Sean!!!). I also have the Advisory Board meeting in less than two hours from now, so I figure sleep was probably the best thing for me. Last quarter, I actually managed to go to sleep at 10 pm to wake up around 5 AM to do HW, which actually worked out really well (I got an A and two Bs last quarter! No academic probation for me!). It's going to be a lot harder to keep that up now, with the Board meetings threatening to break 10 pm and the director interview this coming Wednesday, and the staff interviews all of Week 5.

Today's the day the director applications are due!!! I'm excited and nervous; my biggest fear, unfounded most likely, but nevertheless, is that nothing will be in the orange folder at 5 pm. Probably won't happen, but it's in my nature to think of those worse case scenarios. Which is dumb because even my "worse case scenarios" aren't even that bad. Getting shot? Going to jail? Losing your legs? OK, that's close to a worse case scenario. Not getting any director applications? Inconvenience.

Oh, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I can consistently cook for myself! It's not Wolfgang Puck; it's quite plain: rice in the rice cooker, boil some water to steam some frozen veggies, and pop some frozen chicken nuggets in the George Foreman, and wait. But this is a banquet for a college student (and for a majority of people in the world), and it beats going out to every night to ingest grease.

Today's my semi-free day, so after Advisory Board I plan to go to some office hours, do some homework, meet my SPEAR counselor, and kick it. Yeah, that's probably as close to a kick-it day during the week that I'm gonna get. But that's fine; I work with really good people, and I've got my spaces where I can get my 'ish out.

And the days get longer...

So as I write this entry, I realize that I have class in less than 7 hours. It's a lab, so it's not like I can waltz in there like I can with a lecture. So just to brief w/my day:

First the uneventful stuff: Woke up at 10, went to school at 1, posted the SPEAR/SPACE Director Interview sign-ups and turn-in folder, and went to my Electrical Engineering 115 class.

Now the interesting stuff:

1) Went to my first official University Chorale rehearsal.
I had already done University Chorus (which is kinda like the conductorial training ground for PhD students) for two quarters, so I wasn't exactly a newbie at this chorus thing, but Professor Neuen, who is in charge of the choral department, simply conducts at a level that just blew me away! In Chorus, we would break up into our choral components to learn our parts at a leisurely pace before coming back into the group. Here in Chorale, we're sight-singing (which is a friggin' challenge) and our pencils are flying trying to catch every single nuance and mark that Professor Neuen gives us. It was a helluva lot more intense than I was used to, but I got a kick out of it! It kinda makes me wonder what would have happened if I had ended up leaving engineering sooner to do something like theatre or chorus. Would I have become a much more refined actor/singer? Or would I have been turned off by the intensity and the grueling paces they would've put us through? There's no way to know for sure, but as it stands, I'm just happy to be in the space where I'm in now, and extremely happy that theatre and singing are still passions that have yet to be tempered.

2) Worked with James on Project staff selection stuff and Advisory Board.
For those not familiar with Samahang and its projects, we have two projects, SPEAR and SPACE, dedicated to retaining students at the University and outreaching to high school students and encouraging them to go to higher education, respectively. Because it's Spring Quarter, we have to hire our staffs for next year, and so James and I wrote up some drafts of applications, interview templates, timelines, etc. The projects also need to be evaluated to ensure that they are doing their jobs; enter Advisory Board, the body within Samahang that evaluates and makes decisions concerning the projects. It's a helluva lot of work that requires a lot of coordination between a dozen people or so, but as a Retention Coordinator, I must say that I am really privileged to be in the position I am now. To be in a position to make positive changes to two projects that have served thousands of students over the past several years, and preparing for their future and their growth to help students reach their goals of entering and graduating from college, while working with a team of people with such passion, such knowledge, and such talent, to say that I was blessed is an understatement. SPEAR and SPACE do amazing things, but knowing that there is that extra potential, and that collectively, you have the power to take it there, how can you settle for anything less? It's always been this ongoing debate within me about whether I'm too consumed with my work, if I should take some steps back, but it's hard to pull away when you love it so much. By no means does it mean I look forward to EVERYTHING that's Samahang, but in the big picture, I can't think of any other place that I'd want to be right now.

Wow, this feels like a big change of pace from my past entries. Maybe it's just dreamy, groggy, late night talk, but I'm just in this optimistic mood... maybe because I think I've been productive; yeah, that's it.

Ohhhh, I almost forgot, I had my interview for the Pilipino Alumni Association scholarships on Monday. If I get the scholarships, I get an award, and will be honored at their banquet in a few weeks, and some cash that will go to SPACE (honestly, I'm so not financially strapped). Yeah, the Gobernator plans to cut all the cash that goes to high school outreach for college, and while we're banging on Sacramento's doors for that $ back, we've gotta do what we can down here to help outreach out.

OK, I'm gonna wrap things up. It looks like I might not be able to go to the Samahang Party tomorrow (or tonight, depending on your outlook), 'cuz I'll be damn beat after Thursday =(. I'm thinking just donating my money and going to bed. Geez, I'm getting old (old-spirited that is; there are a bunch of folks older than me with younger spirits out there).

Boring and uneventful. Just the way I like it.

Random thought: Strange, it's 10:39 at night and no one in my apartment. ?

So I'm finally started on this Spring Quarter thing, and it doesn't seem so bad as I first thought. I think just needed to get started slowly, take things one at a time, and just stay collected. Also, I was inspired from last night's experiment to record myself describe my day every night, just to give myself a reality check. It could also be an indication of how self-conscious I am, but I digress.

I also need to start my regular workout routine. Anyone up for 9 AM, Mondays and Wednesdays?

Looking at yourself on home video is a crazy experience.

During an interview I had today, one the members of the committee asked me about the person I saw in the mirror. I'm used to seeing that guy. He sounds, looks, acts, and talks just like me.

Just a few minutes ago I was playing around with my digital camera's video feature, and just for the hell of it, decided to record myself speaking, recite written dialogue, and singing (sort of). And strangely enough, the man captured in those videos was not a man with which I was familiar.

The man had a higher voice than I once thought, tension in his cheekbones, and overall had this funny karma emanating around him. He seemed to struggle with being... well... him. It was more like he was trying to be relaxed, be confident, be cool, as opposed to just being those things. He looked like one of the students I would meet at a general meeting, or that I would counsel when I was a SPEAR counselor. A man of great talent and potential, but a sense that something inside him is holding him back.

I think the biggest thing that disturbed me was that the man in the video seemed to feel that there was something not right about his environment. I could see how he could make people around him feel uncomfortable, like he wouldn't be satisfied with people being themselves. Because, for one reason or another, he seemed like he couldn't be himself.

If you have a digital camera with video features, you MUST TAPE YOURSELF AT LEAST ONCE. You may be surprised to see the person talking back to you.

My stomach's in knots.

That was basically the theme of my entire weekend. And I attribute it to the end of Spring Break and the beginning of Spring Quarter, or to use a euphemism, "Extremely Fun Quarter". That's not to say that Spring Quarter won't be fun, but it comes at a price, and looking at the calendar, I might just have to give up my sanity.

All this stuff basically hit me at Samahang's Spring retreat in San Francisco. Honestly, I was not prepared to return to my responsibilities with Samahang. I had something during Break that I had not had for 10 weeks; time to relax, time for deep reflection, and time for a really good night's rest, and I was not ready to go back. So when we got together and put our calendar together, including responsibilities for hiring, programming, SPCN, and knowing that I had CRC responsibilities that were not listed, my stomach was sent twisting and turning the entire weekend, internally worrying about how we were going to get through all this madness. You could say this retreat was the "Oh Shit, it's Spring" retreat. Time will tell which tasks this quarter are necessary to serve our general membership and which are just self-inflicted stress bombs.

Board also got a chance to bond Saturday night, but I opted out for sleep. It was one of those things that I wasn't sure if my decision was one I regret. I did miss an excellent opportunity to bond with folks who need to be my closest allies, but in the exhausted and stressed state I was in, how comfortable would I really have been in that space, especially knowing that Sunday we still had agenda items and a long drive back to LA?

In the end, going to sleep probably was the best thing for me, but it reminded me of issues I have with opening up my vulnerabilities to other people. As willing as I am to share my past personal struggles, I'm not as willing to share the personal struggles I have now. Mostly, it's an issue of articulation. With my personal history, I've had a chance to process those events and map my emotional duress in a logical pattern (i.e. I can explain in a logical way the emotional crap I went through), and so when I give my woe-was-me stories, it comes in a nice package ready for your intellectual processing (ex: entry for Tuesday, March 30th). But when I go through emotional duress now, I'm whacked out, and I'm still struggling to find the information to explain the crap I'm in. You'd think that if I were smart, I would talk to someone to help pick my brain for clues. But I don't. 'Cuz I'm screwed up that way.

OK, maybe that was a little harsh on myself, but I still have this thing called "My Pride", that I'm still trying to swallow. I'm uncomfortable going up to someone and sounding like a lunatic because I don't have enough pieces to put together the puzzle that is my emotional state. And I feel like this pride is still stuck in my throat, and I'm trying to skip the chewing, and devour this thing whole, as fast as possible. Remember how I said I was "moderate and regular"? Another euphemism.

So maybe smaller bites of pride, and chipping away at these walls I've built around myself (as opposed to using some demolitions and blasting them down) would be the best strategy. I'm already working on my honesty when I tell passers-by how I'm doing (none of this "I'm OK" crap when I'm not), but what more do you think I should do (or what I should tell folks so they can support me)? I leave the answers to you, especially the SPEAR counselors. =D