Being Queer, and the Act of Personal Liberation

So yesterday, on October 30th, 2004, Samahang Pilipino put on its 3rd Queer Pin@y Conference at UCLA. It's the first conference of its kinds at UCLA since 2000. And it came back with a force.

This is actually the second time I've attended the Queer Pin@y Conference at UCLA. The first time was the 2nd Conference in 2000. I was a Senior in high school, and it was my sister, an ally, who was asked to put on a workshop for that Conference. So she asked me if I wanted to tag along, and since I'd never been to LA beyond just passing through the smog on the way to Long Beach or San Diego, I jumped at the chance.

You see, I grew up a Bay Area kid, and I had a strong dislike for Los Angeles. The Dodgers had beat my A's in the '88 World Series. They took money raised by the toll bridges in the Bay Area to repair their own buildings after the '94 Northridge quake. They took our water because they didn't have enough around their parts. They grew this concrete jungle to no end, only to find that they couldn't support it without grabbing resources from every which way. The air was horrible, and they had no concept of mass transportation. And worst of all, LA thought that it was the center of the friggin' universe.

So why did I go? I'd never seen a UC campus beyond Berkeley, Davis, and Santa Cruz. And I wanted to give LA a second chance. People were passionate LA, so there had to be something good about it. And a road trip without the parents provided an interesting opportunity as well.

So I left that weekend for what would be the best road trip of my life. I remember several folks telling me to visit colleges because when you step on one, you'll know whether it's right for you. I didn't understand that concept until I went to UCLA. It called to me. I sensed an energy that, beyond Berkeley, I didn't sense at any other college campus. I had UCLA dorm food for the first time, which, let's face it, is awesome compared with the alternatives out there. And the last thing I did before leaving the campus was attend the closing ceremony of the Queer Conference. It was the first time that I was introduced to the Unity Clap, which, if you've never done it before, is incredibly energizing. The next day my sister took me to Historic Pilipinotown for lunch, and after that I was sold: UCLA was where I wanted to be, and more importantly, where I needed to be.

Fast forward almost five years later, and I'm doing the opening remarks for the revived Queer Pin@y Conference that had a huge impact on my decision to come to UCLA. And the Conference really was remarkable. You know those times when you don't know what you did to make something happen, it just seems to happen, and you're just honored that it happened while you were there? This Conference was one of those things. To see all those queer Pin@ys in one room was such an amazing feeling. To see almost 100 folks find a space where they could feel proud of who they were, free of inhibitions or fear, is an inspirational and liberating sight, no matter what sexuality you embrace. It made me more conscious of the times and spaces where we don't feel proud of ourselves, where we feel shame and self-hatred, times which occur far too often. We subject ourselves to a spiritual slavery by accepting rigid frameworks what is normal and proper. To see these beautiful people actively challenge these frameworks, and re-discovering their self-worth, is both a blessing and, as one Pinay put it, a wake-up call. A blessing for showing me that there is hope for a liberated tomorrow. A wake-up call in that it took a conference to create that liberated space.

There's a lot of work to be done, but there's no doubt that there are people up for the challenge. The students are hell-bent that we won't have to wait another 5 years for a space for positive, liberated dialog to exist. I'm hell-bent on making sure that the space exists every day.

Observations on Friendship Games 2004

So yeah, I'm a little late for this, since Friendship Games was last week. I actually stayed there the whole time (with exception for the after-party), which is a first; I usually don't go, and when I do, I usually leave at the excruciatingly long halftime (you know, when every single Pilipino modern group in the entire state performs). I had a couple of observations that had been running through my head, but I now have the luxury of putting in writing:

1. Friendship Games is a test of masculinity

In many ways, the competition for the Friendship Games trophy is a competition for the most masculine Pilipino organization. The largest point total goes to those who show the most spirit (i.e. who is the loudest). Giveaways include mini-beach balls that say things to the effect of "we want you to play with our balls." Games include The Nasty and Tidal Wave, two games that ooze sexual innuendo with sticks in between people's legs and wet t-shirts. Images and sounds of war are everywhere, like swords and rallying cries (ironic, isn't it?). If you want any more proof that Friendship Games is a test of masculinity, look at the promoters. The biggest promoter is Events Company, the organizer of the Friendship Games after-party, and a company who consistently uses exploitative female images to attract the male libido.

2. The current form of Friendship Games doesn't exactly promote friendship.

While individual bonds within school teams are strengthened through competition, very little friendship between schools is promoted. Beyond the schools exchanging witty chants and little giveaways, and the already established inter-school friendships and dating relationships, there is very little exchange between schools.

The one major factor that keeps friendship out of Friendship Games is school pride. Schools are consumed with gaining points by practicing for games, which essentially promotes isolation. Even the school exchanges to show "friendship" are based on the idea that showing more "friendship" will get you the Friendship Award which translates to more points.

I don't have all the answers to this problem, but one excellent suggestion I've heard is to mix schools during the competitions. So for one game, a team with an equal mix of UCLA and USC people will compete as one. While this doesn't solve the lust for more points (I think there's a deeper, primal desire for winning), it does force individuals from each school to get to know each other, and forcing to share a common interest. It would also give more opportunities to schools that have less people to participate in the games.

3. In the end, Friendship Games is a great event.

Despite all the problems and criticisms, there are so many great things that come out of Friendship Games. The times that were most special were the times when the points didn't matter. When Samahang got DQ'd for improper form for Tidal Wave, Samahang responded by having a mud party. When all the schools in our heat got DQ'd for The Nasty (as you can tell, we got DQ'd often), we celebrated. And although I was completely wiped by the end of the day, seeing the other Samahang folks there with you, knowing that they are just as exhausted as you, was an awesome sight. As I said, this was the first (and last) time I've stayed at a Friendship Games from beginning to end. And I'm honored to have had the experience.

Parties, Dancing, and Sexual Tensions

Hey everyone, long time no type. I would first like to congratulate Tina Camarador for a successful Samahang party that I heard made loads of $. You're awesome Tina!

As for the party itself, it was a good party in party terms: lots of people, pretty good music overall, but some of the stuff was more chill-in-your-living-room hip-hop rather than shake-your-booty hip-hop. It's just that toward the 2nd half of the night, I wasn't really in a party mood. A good amount of the time I spent as the wandering wall-flower, pick up somewhere mid-conversation, get up, sit somewhere else to meet a few other folks, but toward the end, it was mostly watchin' folks release the frustrations of college life on the dance floor.

Maybe it was just my mood last night, but I've tended to feel blegh at the last several Samahang parties, and never really been honest about it. For me, getting out and dancing at a Samahang party feels really, really awkward. I think what makes it awkward isn't the public dancing aspect; I've done so many musicals, plays, concerts, and public speaking engagements that performance and self-expression is totally not a problem for me. It's just that there is so much heterosexual tension on the dance floor, and for those who haven't been reading my journals since the beginning, ever since I broke up with my ex in high school, I've avoided heterosexual tension like the plague. There are still emotional scars that haven't healed, and if anything, have been reinforced since then.

"But Randy", you say, "that was FIVE YEARS AGO. And it was just a high school relationship. You should've gotten over it by now." You have to understand that time doesn't heal anything, it's what you do with that time that makes it productive or destructive. While I've come a long way and my confidence has never been higher in some areas (like feeling that I can handle finances, my writing and performance have become more sophisticated, etc.), I have almost zero confidence in romance, and my brief experiments with romance at UCLA have only reinforced that feeling of failure. Even a hint of it, like the public displays at a dance party, and I get that isolating feeling. That's how I felt at the Samahang party. I felt alone.

But don't think for a second that I'm not willing to party. If you want me to go clubbing, I suggest you take me to Rage, a gay club in West Hollywood. I went with Adeste, Marc, Marivell, and Aileen during the summer, and I honestly had a good time. When I was on the dance floor, I didn't feel that restrictive heterosexual tension that I felt at other parties. It's just you, your friends, and the music. That doesn't mean I don't get weirded out sometimes, like when half-naked gay men brush by (please put on a shirt...), but I get different vibes there. No wonder so many hetero women go to gay clubs; so you don't feel like you have to be on the defense from dirty men when you just wanna dance. I just wanna dance!

So anyway, if the last thing you were wondering is why I have a helluva more difficult time telling all you this in person, it's because I need the spell-checks and edits and the half-an-hour or so to really communicate what I need to. As I've said before, I love online journals.

Reflections Outside a Locked Apartment

I don't have keys to the apartment I'm staying at. Haven't had them for months. I've always relied on roommates being there to let me in. However, this is one of the few times where they are nowhere to be found, and I have the good fortune of having my laptop and not one but TWO adjacent apartments with wireless internet, I figure this is a good time to reflect and reach that Zen-like state, fingers dancing across the 36 alphanumeric characters, a dozen or so punctuation marks, and a SHIFT, ENTER, and SPACE bar. Life is good indeed...

By the way, since online journals put the last entry on top, I'm gonna go a little Memento on you by posting my last thoughts first (but when you read it, my first thoughts will be on top! Isn't that cool?!?! I know, it really is).

1. Thanks to everyone who responded to my last entry!

That really was beautiful! It brought a tear to my eye, really, to know that people still keep up. Just for some clarification: I had no intention of saying that people HAD to be real in their online journals. I realize that people use online journals for many different reasons, and being unreal is a perfectly valid one. I just wanted to be critical for those who DO believe they are real when typing these things, and to be aware that your thoughts weave through various mental filters. Thoughts from your brain to your mouth take a different road than those that go to your hands, your legs, your eyes, and other various body parts. And things like environment, the time of day, whether your with friends, enemies, or yourself, have a huge effect on how those thoughts are expressed. Just wanted people to be aware.

2. I'm in my apartment now!

Thanks, Richard!

3. And another thought on online journals...

The online journal is quite the paradox. On one level, you are alone with your computer, allowing you to write down your most intimate thoughts, releasing those inhibitions that, in the public realm, would have taken over. But on another level, these expressions of intimacy are accessible to millions of people hooked up to cyberspace at any given time. While locks are available to keep entries private, just one person who reads it has the power to release that info to the world with a simple copy, paste, and click. Already I know of several instances where people have gotten into sticky situations because private ramblings became public controversies.

In that sense, online journals are like drugs. Drugs that people ingest to escape reality. But with a couple of clicks, reality catches up, the consequences are printed in writing for everyone to see, and the world is left to deal with the aftermath.

I like online journals.

4. The school year is here!

Yes, I am excited. The summer was fun and all, but it's time to move on people. Everyone is back, and all the time and pain and planning for the year all comes down to the next nine months. It's been cool having so many reunions from so many different facets of my life, from old productions to old floormates, to old classmates. Gosh, I'm old (for those reading, please replace the word "old" with "past". That would make me feel much better, thank you).